


That Place

by Omoni



Series: Random Undertale Stories and Drabbles [22]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: All but Alphys, Alphynecentric, Alphys the Altruistic, Alphys/Undyne-centric, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crossing Timelines, Discussion of Sexual Abuse, Dreams and Nightmares, Drug misuse and addiction, Established Alphys/Undyne, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lucid Dreaming, One-Sided Love, Past Sexual Abuse, Poor Sans, Self-Harm, Smut is in chapters five and forty, Suicide Attempt, Tests and Trials, What A Twist!, confused love, poor coping mechanisms, sensitive content, several major character deaths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-05-28 17:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 48
Words: 61,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15054617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Omoni/pseuds/Omoni
Summary: When Alphys is haunted by a long chain of lucid dreams, from the moment the barrier broke to two years later, she finds her hold on sanity waning, no longer able to differentiate between real and dream.Undyne, desperate to help her, does everything she can to help her wife get through this - and stop the dreams for good.But neither of them truly understand: you cannot stop dreams of a reality desperate to change places with your own...





	1. Closest Yet

**Author's Note:**

> Depression brings out the weirdest fics, and this is no exception. I have no outline, no vague plans, nothing; just the premise and the first chapter (at the moment). 
> 
> A few notes:  
> -the rating may go up; not sure  
> -the updates have no schedule  
> -input and questions are welcome and encouraged  
> -I will include any content warnings, should they apply, before you have a chance to stumble on them by accident  
> -THIS WILL BE AN ANGST-FEST
> 
> Sorry...

**PART ONE: THE DREAM**

It was happening, again.

Undyne listened, slowly dragged out of her own heavy sleep, as she listened to Alphys whimper in her sleep, already starting to twitch.

When she turned over and moved behind Alphys, pulling her close and stroking her head, Alphys fought her a little, murmuring nonsense (except every time, Alphys was convinced she'd spoken normally) and while trying to squirm away.

“Alphy,” Undyne called gently, her other arm around her waist, holding her firmly, even as she struggled to get away. “Shh... Alphy, wake up… Wake up...”

This time, it only took those words - at first; Alphys gasped awake, as if slapped, and she grabbed hold of Undyne's arm, her claws digging in. Her whole body broke into strong tremors, and she whimpered again, but softly, clearly trying to smother it.

She was. Her eyes filled with tears, and she stared ahead, trying to focus on the window, and thus banishing the images from her mind.

It was always the same.

Always.

Every week, sometimes more than once, Alphys would be _there_. And she would always wake up, after being certain that her dreams were real, and that _reality_ was the true dream...

“Hey,” she heard Undyne murmur, before pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Hey. I'm here. It's okay. It's not real...”

Alphys swallowed hard and closed her eyes, gritting her teeth. She was speechless, as usual, and she struggled to calm down. But the more she tried, the worse she shook, and when Undyne whispered, “Stop...” she did, breaking down, instead.

Undyne closed her eye, nuzzling Alphys's cheek and tugging on her, but Alphys shook her head, too ashamed. Undyne growled, but when Alphys buried her face into her hands, Undyne grabbed hold of her and flipped her around to face her. Alphys lunged for her, proving her right, and Undyne held her close, whispering soft comforts to her.

“It's okay,” she told Alphys. “I know it seems real, but it's not. That's what's so shitty about dreams, Alphy – especially the lucid ones.”

Alphys shuddered. She tried to speak, and got out, “Always th-the same... al-always... running a-around belo-beloved places, fi-finding no one, or ruin, or... d-death...”

She keened out, the images striking her heart so hard it felt physical, and Undyne grabbed her closer, kissing her several times.

“You're safe, Alphy,” Undyne reassured her. “We _all_ are. We're safe. We made it, Alphy. Remember?”

Alphys, however, looked like she didn't; her eyes were dark and glassy, and they kept spilling over with tears. She looked trapped in that world, that alien, familiar world, and it broke Undyne's heart.

She reached up and cupped Alphys's cheeks, and slowly, those blank eyes met hers, but without focus.

Alphys whispered, “ _This_ is the lie, _this_ isn’t real, _this_ is the dream, _I don't deserve this...”_

Undyne kissed her lips briefly, silencing her. “Alphys, listen to me. Can you hear me, love?”

Alphys twitched, her eyes flickering, but she nodded a little.

“We're on the surface,” Undyne told her, rubbing her pale, clammy cheeks. “We have been for almost two years. We live together. We're married, have been for eleven month and three weeks--,”

That made Alphys blink hard for a moment, the precise measurement oddly soothing to her, and her claws dug into Undyne's arms for a moment.

“Yes,” Undyne said, nodding and smiling. “It's true, Alphy. We're safe, we're _all_ safe. Frisk somehow saved us, and we're where we finally belong. Here. Happy. _Not there.”_

Alphys closed her eyes. _“There,”_ she whispered. “Ghost town, empty dreams, dust and death...”

“But not _here_ ,” Undyne told her, her tone firm. “Do you hear me, Alphys?”

Finally, Alphys swallowed hard and nodded. Then, she leaned forward and pressed her forehead to Undyne's, sobbing out her name, softly.

“It's okay,” Undyne whispered, stroking her head, now, her other hand still upon one of her wife's cheeks. “It's okay...”

“Undyne, _why_?” Alphys cried. “Why do I keep going back? Why do I keep dreaming of a place so real but not?!”

“I dunno,” Undyne admitted. “I wish I did. I wish I knew. I wish I could just reach into your mind and yank those dreams out...”

Alphys smiled, shocking Undyne; Alphys never smiled this soon, usually only able to in the morning.

“Undyne,” she whispered, nuzzling her cheek. “ _This... you..._ it allfeels like a dream, because it's so _beautiful_...”

Undyne blushed a little, both from Alphys's sweet smile, and the word she used, as she knew Alphys meant _her_ – and being called beautiful was still surreal to Undyne.

 _“That place,”_ Alphys went on, her eyes still closed and her eyebrows close. “It's like being in a haze of illness... So hot and cold, so nauseating and blurry and shaky... And everything is real. I can smell it, taste it, feel it... _All_ of it...”

Undyne swallowed hard, the words scaring her a little. Alphys had never explained it to her like this, so she kept quiet, eager to learn, to listen, to _help_...

“I'm searching,” Alphys went on, her voice low and distant. “Always looking for something I’ve been robbed of, something I need, as without it, my heart is broken and my life is scary... I run, and run, and am always chased and asked for help, but it's me, I need help, not _to_ help, why do they ask... _me_?”

Alphys choked, her smile long-gone and her body shuddering violently. Even her teeth chattered.

“’Doctor, please, we need help, please, you're the only one left, you need to stand up...' But I can't, because I’m still running, trying to find what was stolen from me, in streets and buildings and lands as familiar as my own face in a mirror... But distorted with pain and sadness and _doom_...”

Undyne rubbed her cheek and back, trying to warm her up, to stop her shaking, anything; if it meant helping her, Undyne would do anything...

 _“Help me,”_ Alphys suddenly begged, her eyes open and hazy with panic and fear, her claws digging in so hard it hurt. Undyne stared at her, shocked speechless, and Alphys began to sob. “Undyne, help me! Make it stop! I can't live with it, anymore! It's... it's _killing_ me!”

“No!” Undyne cried, panic of her own striking her, and she grabbed Alphys's shoulders, shaking her a little. “Alphys! Stop! Snap out of it!”

Alphys shivered, her eyes closing tight, her breaths ragged and fast.

Then, just as Undyne was ready to shake – or even slap – her, Alphys inhaled sharply, before breathing out slowly, her head lowering down.

“Undyne...” Alphys whispered. “I need help...”

Undyne nodded, kissing her forehead. “Okay. What kind?”

“I don't know... I just need it to stop. I'm... starting to get scared of sleeping...” Alphys gritted her teeth, cutting off a sob. “It's happening more and more...”

Undyne nodded again. “Okay. We'll figure it out, together, okay? I promise you, Alphy. I _will_ help you through it all.”

And finally, Alphys felt her world snap back, and it blossomed with colourful feeling.

Alphys looked up, her eyes bright with tears but focused and clear, and Undyne kissed her lips, so relieved that she had to, just to ensure it was real. When Alphys returned it, sniffling, Undyne pulled her close – then pulled her atop of herself.

They were both scared, now. And while Undyne needed this, she knew Alphys needed it even more.

And she was right; Alphys was _fervent_ , desperate, her passion almost knocking Undyne out – when usually it was the opposite.

But after, when Alphys dropped into a spent sleep, Undyne stayed awake, watching over her, even as she sought to catch her breath.

She stayed awake late into the night, her mind treading on a constant conveyor belt of thoughts, until it made her dizzy, and she fell asleep a few hours later.


	2. Smoke and Dust

Alphys's life was perfect.

She knew it.

Every day, she was reminded of it, in either small ways, or immense ways, and she always strove to never take it for granted.

She'd done _horrible_ things, and was still struggling to fix those things.

But she'd still done them.

And yet, Undyne loved her.

Mettaton forgave her. Asgore did, too.

Hell, even he families she'd _ruined_ forgave her, simply happy to have their family members back in some way.

She had a wonderful job, as a professor, while she worked part time for a cure to DT overdoses.

She had friends, dear friends, unexpected and cherished friends, who loved her and never shamed her for her crimes, instead wanting to help her.

She knew she didn't deserve her life.

Nothing she had that was good was earned, she knew. She'd done too much to ever balance it all out. She could try for a hundred years and still never truly deserve everything she had.

Therefore, when she dreamt of _that place_ , she wondered if it was her _real_ life: a life of desolation, of isolation, of abandonment and disdain.

She knew she deserved _that_ , more.

The first six months she'd spent on the surface was a time she'd spent as Undyne's girlfriend. And every night, for the first month, she'd woken up in her lonely little Lab (she had yet to move to the surface), her hands reaching for Undyne, only to feel deep, debilitating self-hate.

She had no right to reach for Undyne.

So instead, she reached for a knife.

For the next month after that, she kept it secret.

Sometimes, when Undyne slept over, Alphys had trouble keeping herself still, as Undyne's presence, through no fault of Undyne's, made Alphys yearn to hurt herself, certain that she deserved it over Undyne's affection.

Affection Undyne gave so happily, in such abundance, after she'd been forced to smother it for so long...

Alphys didn't see that truth. Instead, she saw only what she'd never earned.

But by the start of the third month, when Undyne was starting to talk about moving to the surface, together, Alphys was having trouble hiding her abuse from Undyne, as they were growing more intimate _physically_ , too.

Alphys had tough, scaly skin, and healed a lot faster than most, leaving little scarring behind. However, over time, it started to add up, and soon, Alphys could hide those scars no longer.

Undyne found out the night they first made love.

They hadn't planned it, midway into their third month, but it happened as if they had, it had been so wonderful...

At first.

Undyne had just started renting her own place on the surface, at last, and it was her first night within it. 

Undyne _needed_ Alphys, then.

She didn't know why until after, but she did.

To her joy, Alphys needed her, too, and it was in no time that it not only happened, but in such a way that was _dreamlike_ ; they were already so in sync with each other that sex was almost _easy_.

And she realised why she needed Alphys: because she wanted to prove to herself that she could be gentle and loving, and with the person she felt deserved it the most. 

That, and she wanted to make Alphys happy, as happy as she felt, whenever she saw Alphys...

After, however, Alphys started to cry softly, but when Undyne asked her why, she got up, wrapped herself in a blanket, and ran to the bathroom, shutting the door and bursting into sobs.

Undyne followed, finding her hiding in the shower, and in the bright light of the bathroom, Undyne finally saw the inside of one of her wrists - and the fresh cut upon it, from mere moments ago...

And for an hour they stayed in that tub and talked about it, Alphys finally confessing that she was punishing herself for having such a good life, one she didn't deserve.

When they'd calmed down, and were cuddled back in bed, Undyne suddenly whispered, “Marry me.”

She was undeterred.

She'd seen Alphys's ugly sorrow, and instead of leaving her, Undyne attached even more - and wanted to be with her, for _life_. 

Alphys broke down, again – but of course said yes.

She knew she didn't deserve _that_ , either.

But she'd _wanted_ to, and wanted Undyne. 

And wanted to be what she felt Undyne needed, despite knowing she never could be.

So she was selfish, and married Undyne, anyway. 

After they married, two days after the first barrier anniversary, Alphys managed to rein in a great deal of her self-harm, and instead of almost weekly, it happened every couple of months.

She couldn't help it.

Undyne knew it.

And they still remained together, no matter how many times it happened.

And throughout it all, she was haunted by _those_ dreams.

And more often than not, they were what drove her back to punishing herself: because she felt that, somehow, she was dreaming of what she _truly_ deserved.

Desolation. Isolation. Abandonment. Disdain.

Death.

And now, she was starting to lose her hold on reality.

Because now, almost two years later to the day after the barrier shattered, it was starting to feel truly _real_.

Less dreamlike.

More real.

Still a nightmare.

And she was starting to wonder, deep down, if she was starting to go insane from how lucky she was – and how she'd earned _none_ of it.

She needed help, _now_.

And she had no idea how to get it.


	3. Mercy, I Implore

Alphys needed help.

But ultimately, they weren't sure who to ask.

Undyne had defaulted and wondered about Asgore, but Alphys said no, not unless there was no other option.

Undyne then asked about sans.

Alphys, who'd been curled up on their couch, hugging a giant plush of a ball-shaped purple wolf, looked up quickly.

“No!” she snapped, her eyes wide, despite the dark shadows that were streaked beneath them. “He'll just mock me, or make me feel like an ass.”

Undyne, sitting beside her as close as she could without picking her up, blinked. “Why would you think that? He's a jerk, but he really does seem to wanna help people, especially now.”

Alphys looked at her with such naked fear that it shut Undyne up. She couldn't explain it; she knew that sans knew even more than she _ever_ could about how their world worked, what made things real or fake, and she was frightened of what he might say.

Especially as one who seemed lost, himself. Granted, sans _appeared_ to be happy, and lived life rather well.

But sometimes, he would just walk away, without a word, looking confused or overwhelmed, or vanished without anyone even realising it.

He scared her, now. Knowing these things. Applying them to her own nightmares.

And he'd never scared her, before now.

She was frightened that he would confirm her deeper fear: that her dreams were real, that _that place_ was real, and it really was what she deserved.

If she'd bothered to get over that needless, groundless fear, founded on self-doubt rather than actual fact, a great deal of what happened next would not have happened at all.

But she did not. And sans was not mentioned again.

Until too late.

“Well,” Undyne then said, sitting down next to her and leaning close, before Alphys leaned toward her; when that happened, Undyne wrapped her arms around her, and Alphys snuggled close. “What about a regular doctor? Like, one that specialises in sleep or whatever?”

Alphys looked up at her, blushing. “That should've been my first thought,” she admitted shyly. “You're right; that's what I need to do.”

“I'll help you find one,” Undyne agreed, grabbing her tablet. “Monster?” she added, moving her arms so that she held Alphys, but held the tablet in front of them both.

When Alphys nodded, they started to look.

It took about an hour, but Alphys wanted to find the best, and kept researching each doctor they found before deeming them unworthy.

It was only when they landed on a doctor named Tollona that they found someone with the right credentials. After exhausting her research and finding nothing, Alphys called the doctor's office, and set up an appointment.

* * *

Tollona was a kind doctor, very understanding, and after she scanned Alphys's brain with her magic and found nothing amiss or alarming, she suggested a sleep study.

Alphys didn't want to.

She was hesitant to not only spend a night away from Undyne – who always woke her before the dreams felt sinister – but also to sleep in a foreign place, unsure if she even _could_.

But Undyne encouraged her, once they were home to talk it over.

“Alphy, it's a great idea,” she insisted, rubbing one of Alphys's pale cheeks; Alphys looked wary and ill from the idea of it. “If it happens while you're there, maybe they'll see it in your brain patterns.”

“But, Undyne,” Alphys murmured, looking down at her own hands. “What if they...? What if they d-don't wake me in time? What if... I’m trapped?”

“We'll ask them to wake you, to make an exception, because of how bad this is,” Undyne decided. “If they refuse to, we won't do it. Okay?”

“Okay...” Alphys agreed weakly.

But inside, she was sick with fear.

* * *

The doctors agreed to wake Alphys if needed, and the sleep study commenced. 

Luckily, or unluckily, in the middle of the night of the sleep study, Alphys dreamt of _that place._

_She was alone, waking up confused and cold, and when she blearily looked around, all she could see was a huge bedroom, opulent but left to seed, dusty and musty but covered with past elegance._

_She felt herself wince, and flop down onto the bed, one that smelt like mould._

_She didn't care._

_She closed her eyes, her claws digging into her chest._

_She pleaded with herself to fall back asleep, to have a heart attack, to stroke out and just_ die...

_She stayed awake._

_Her eyes stayed open, wide and empty and underscored with purple, like bruises, as if she'd been clocked in both eyes._

_She could see all of that in the mirror across for the bed, one attached to a gorgeous dresser set._

_She was pale, losing weight, probably malnourished, by now. She felt the empty gnawing of hunger, but it was one of both food and drug – and she found herself favouring drug._

_She'd been sedating herself for over two weeks, now, hiding in this room, in this place._

_Because reality made her terrified._

_She couldn't face it._

_She couldn't do it._

_She couldn't be what they needed her to be--_

“Doctor Alphys!”

Shaking.

She cried out, lashing out with her hands and feet, kicking and scratching at whoever was touching her.

It wasn't Undyne.

Undyne wasn't there.

“Doctor Alphys, _Doctor Alphys!”_

She felt her hands pinned down, and a flash of memory crashed into her, one completely unrelated to what she'd been trapped within, and she screamed in terror, her mind taken over by _that_ memory, instead.

One horror for another.

Alphys didn't know which one she would have preferred, if forced to choose...

“Don't!” she begged, unaware that her eyes were open. “Please! Don't do it! _Don't do it!!_ Stop! _Stop!!”_

“Call the Captain,” she heard someone say tersely, but instead of caring, she tried to rip herself free, her tail lashing, now.

She screamed again, her eyes blinded by hallucinations, only now they were hazing together, and she was _there_ , but also in the past...

“We have to,” another voice was saying. “We _have_ to, she'll hurt herself!”

“Okay, hurry!”

Alphys then felt a sharp pain in the soft part of the inside of her arm, and she struggled to pull it free, instead, feeling... feeling...

... _nothing_...

Suddenly, she went limp, her whole body going motionless.

Her mind swam, struggling to move, to escape, but nothing obeyed.

She tried to cry out, but before she could even try to focus her eyes, everything went black.

She didn't dream.

A small mercy.


	4. Patterns From Hell

Undyne stared at the screen, her eye blurry with tears.

She sat next to Tollona, while, in the other room, Alphys was unconscious, still sedated. She'd wanted to go to her, but Tollona asked to talk to her, first.

Upon the screen was what looked almost like an ECG graph, or a lie detector graph, one with lines that went up and down in connect, imperfect triangles.

For the first few pages, they looked more or less normal; sometimes they sped up, sometimes they slowed down, but there seemed to be no concern.

But then she saw the next pages, and she felt her eye burn with those tears.

They were erratic, those spikes, so close together it was like someone just scribbled on the page to try and colour it hastily in.

“That's when she started to lucid dream,” Tollona explained softly, pointing at them, her finger tracing them. “It wasn't long, perhaps a half-hour or forty-five minutes. But by the end...”

She pulled up another chart, and this time, it was an ECG: Alphys's heart showed uneven, fast-paced arythmia.

When Tollona moved that chart closer to the other, and lined them up, Undyne saw the pattern: before Alphys had been woken up, her heart and her brain showed almost pure black bars of lines, almost opaque with how close they were, together.

Granted, her heart _was_ slower, but when compared to her normal heartrate, it was bad.

It was very, _very_ bad.

“What does it mean?” Undyne whispered, her hands clenched together to mask their shaking.

“That's the problem, Captain,” Tollona admitted sadly. “We have no idea. We've never seen anything like it, before.”

Undyne stared at the images, her stomach cold and pained.

“What...? What do we do...?” she asked, her voice weak and desperate.

“I don't know, yet, but we'll think of something, okay?”

Undyne nodded, mutely, her vision blurred with tears she didn't even feel.

* * *

Alphys woke up slowly, confused.

It was probably the first time in years since she'd woken up in a bed alone, and one hand reached out, trying to find one of Undyne's but only finding the edge of the bed.

She murmured weakly, but couldn't form words.

When she opened her eyes, the lights blinded her, and she reached up and covered them, flinching.

She then felt a hand touch hers, pulling it away from her face, followed by a clicking noise. When she blinked, the lights were off, and she could keep her eyes open.

“Where...?” she whispered, blissfully ignorant; the sedative had confused her, thrown her off, and she was without memory.

For now.

The hand that held hers entwined their fingers together, and when Alphys turned her head and looked up, she could barely make out her wife; her eyes were blurry without her glasses, and still adjusting to the dark.

But Undyne smiled. “Hello,” she murmured.

Alphys blinked at her, feeling stupid. “Where?” she asked again.

“The sleep clinic, love.”

And with those four words, it came rushing back, and Alphys gasped and tried to sit up, her mind overcome with the memory of _those_ images...

… _both_ versions...

Undyne took hold of her and held her, and she went limp, trembling and closing her eyes, allowing the feel of Undyne to permeate her senses and push away the nightmares.

“I failed,” Alphys whispered, disappointment and shame crashing into her.

But Undyne shook her head. “No, Alphy. They got it. They got enough. Do... do you remember anything...?”

Alphys nodded, shuddering. “Undyne... they... held me down... b-by my... wr-wrists...”

Undyne stiffened, her hold on Alphys tightening. _“What?!”_ she hissed, so angry that she could barely speak.

“I... attacked th-them... when I was tr-trapped...” Alphys whispered, burying her face into Undyne's chest, and Undyne gathered her closer, her hands rubbing her back and her head. “And... Wh-when they restrained m-me... I woke up... b-but... it triggered m-me...”

“I'll fucking _kill_ them,” Undyne snarled.

“Th-they didn't know,” Alphys murmured. “Th-that... _that_ hap-happen-happened... They were trying to w-wake m-me...”

Undyne closed her eye tight.

One of the very first things she'd discovered when dating Alphys was that there was one thing she would never – and could never – do intimately.

Alphys had never told her, not even when they were best friends, too ashamed and disgusted with herself.

When they started dating, still she kept it to herself, even as they grew physically closer. 

So when they'd been intimate one afternoon, and Undyne was overcome with passion, she'd grabbed Alphys's wrists and pinned them above her head, about to kiss her.

But Alphys had gone rigid, her face draining of blood and her whole body going numb, her eyes wide and filling with tears, opaque with panic and flashback.

Undyne had let go at once, but Alphys didn't move for almost ten minutes, until Undyne had to shout for her – about to slap her.

She was _that_ terrified.

It was Undyne's terror that snapped Alphys out of her own, and she'd broken down, crying like Undyne had never seen her cry, before.

Alphys then told her why.

Undyne then started to sob almost right away, before wrapping Alphys into her favourite blanket and just holding her to herself, rocking her slowly, apologising over and over as they both wept...

Since then, it never happened, again.

Until now.

Undyne thought back to the charts, and realised that she'd seen evidence of that, but not in the way she'd expected.

When she'd been triggered, Alphys's brainwave readings began to even out and spread out, even as her heart raced from that terror and her body flooded with the need to protect herself.

Alphys asked her what was wrong, as Undyne was rocking them, her wet cheek pressed against Alphys's forehead.

Undyne explained to her what she'd been shown and told.

Alphys listened in silence, her eyes wide and unfocused.

It made sense.

 _That place_ was so real to her, so incredibly _real_ , that it even showed that fact in her _brainwaves_.

The moment she'd been triggered was the moment she snapped back to reality.

Of _course_ the brainwaves then changed; because she'd escaped being trapped.

Only to be thrown into another trap, true. But it had still, _somehow_ , worked.

Alphys started shaking, then.

Because with that, she was starting to understand what was happening.

She realised she was going insane.

But she was wrong.

It was _much_ worse than that.


	5. Desperately

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly NSFW.

When they were allowed to go home, it was early morning, and they both walked sluggishly; Alphys was still a little sedated, and Undyne was drained, the adrenaline she'd used to get there spent.

They took the bus home in silence, holding each other close. It was early enough that the bus was quiet, barely occupied, and they had privacy.

When they were finally home, Undyne scooped Alphys up into her arms and carried her to bed, as both were still in their pyjamas, anyway.

Alphys didn't fight it. She didn't want to.

She _needed_ to be coddled. And knew Undyne needed to coddle her, too.

They curled up in their bed, buried under blankets and pressed close, so close that their breaths threatened to smother them if they stayed under the covers for too long.

Alphys wanted to sleep. She wanted to be held by Undyne as she slept. She knew she was safe, protected, unharmed.

But even though she was drugged and worn out, she stayed awake.

Even when Undyne fell asleep against her, Alphys's eyes stayed open.

She was terrified of sleeping, now.

She wanted to.

She needed to.

She couldn't.

So she stayed awake, her eyes wide and blank, blinking slowly as the day matured. Her mind was flooded with thousands of thoughts, all of them sewn together and weaving a blanket of thorns, one that covered her mind and suffocated it.

But still, she stayed awake.

When Undyne woke up in the late morning, Alphys pretended that her waking up had woken _her_ up, and Undyne smiled at her, touching her cheek and giving her a sleepy kiss.

“Hey, cutie,” she murmured. “You still look pretty beat; wanna try sleeping a bit more?”

“N-no,” Alphys admitted. “I'm okay. D-do you want breakfast?”

Undyne smiled brighter, as she knew that if Alphys wanted food, she would be okay.

Alphys knew that. And it made her lie.

She was tired of worrying Undyne. She was tired of seeing the sadness in her wife's eye, the fear and worry, the dread...

 _Undyne doesn't deserve this,_ Alphys thought, watching her as she stretched and got to her feet _. Undyne deserves happiness._

 _I don't deserve that happiness, but_ she _does._

So for the rest of the day, Alphys gave her that happiness.

They didn't talk about sleep, or dreams, or brainwaves. They ate delicious food and watched their favourite shows, laughing and crying and just... _loving_ each other.

In many ways, it did help Alphys, herself, as often, she did feel better with Undyne, and soothed when Undyne was happy.

Several times, she even forgot her own problems, and felt happy, too, able to enjoy this miracle life she'd been gifted.

By night, Alphys faced sleep, once more.

But thanks to Undyne, she was ready for it.

* * *

That night was the last night that Alphys truly had real sleep for many days to come.

It was also the very last time they made love, for a time immeasurable...

It was Undyne who started it; Alphys was lying down on her back, her eyes open wide in the dark, and Undyne had noticed. She crept over to her, getting her attention, before Undyne took hold of her face and kissed her, sliding atop of her when it deepened, and Alphys pulled her close.

When Alphys was this close to Undyne, even before she felt Undyne's hand slip between them to bring them even closer, she felt real. She felt alive. She felt like she belonged here, in this world, within Undyne's arms.

She shifted her legs, just as Undyne did, and she felt a slight tickle, before she felt her own flesh touch Undyne's. They both breathed out, but Alphys reached up and clung to Undyne tight, her arms around her neck and one of her legs hooked upon her hip. Undyne wrapped around her and pressed her back down, and when Alphys hooked her tail around Undyne's other shin, Undyne chuckled, nuzzling Alphys's cheek.

Alphys closed her eyes, smiling, her cheeks hot and her heart racing. When Undyne gently shifted her hips, so that they rubbed close, Alphys growled out a soft groan and smiled wider, moving her own hips up to meet it.

And so their dance began.

Her mind was focused on one thing alone, and it wasn't fear, or regret, or panic. She didn't remember to think about her dreams, her nightmares, her own sanity.

She couldn't.

None of it mattered, none of it _existed_.

Undyne knew.

She knew, but it wasn't why she wanted Alphys.

When their eyes met, as their bodies moved, Alphys smiled at her, her hands moving to hold Undyne's face. Undyne bit her lip, her eye burning, and she leaned down and kissed Alphys, right on that smile, eager to hear her laugh – and make her sing.

And Alphys _did_ sing; she couldn't hold herself back if she tried, and she refused to. She felt so raw and sensitive, and she was eager to feel anything _but_ how she'd been feeling for the last few days.

She felt _everything_ that Undyne gave, and felt the rest fall into nothing. Undyne kept her present, focused, and calm.

And with Undyne, she felt nothing but joy and love.

She forgot that she didn't deserve it.

She forgot that she'd never earned it.

She just wanted it.

Undyne did, too.

Alphys would probably never believe her if she tried to say so, but it was true. She, too, didn't want to think about anything or anyone but Alphys, and making love with her.

When she came, Alphys cried out for Undyne, her name the only thing upon her lips, clinging to her and crying for her and just _living_ in the pleasure that Undyne had given her so _sweetly_...

And when Undyne soon followed, Alphys heard _her_ name as a plea, a desperate, panicked plea.

She heard it for what it was.

Undyne was begging her, was pleading with her.

But to stay.

To remember who she was.

To remember what was real, and true, and wonderful.

She was terrified that Alphys was slipping from her grasp...

After a moment of shocked, blissful repose, Alphys's hands suddenly slid over Undyne's body, again - and her fingertips lingered upon her gills.

Undyne gasped out, grabbing Alphys and pulling her atop of herself, this time, and when they kissed, Alphys took Undyne's breath away. 

Again and again.

Over and over.

And yet it never seemed to be enough...

It was a long night, but in the end, it was worth every second, cherished for decades and decades to come.

And for Alphys, it would prove to be her only saving grace.


	6. Save Me

Alphys eventually ended up falling asleep, even when she struggled not to. But she did so in Undyne's arms, and somehow, she was protected.

If she'd dreamt, she had no memory of it.

When Undyne woke her up in the morning, as it was now a weekday and they needed to get to work, Alphys woke up surprised. She met Undyne's gaze, completely confused.

“I slept, Undyne,” she murmured. “And I wasn't haunted.”

Undyne nodded, brushing her hand along Alphys's cheek. “I'm glad, Alphy. I hope it becomes a pattern.”

Alphys smiled a little. She did, too.

They got up, and started the day, and thus a new week.

But only one of them would be able to tell the days apart, soon.

* * *

The entire day was wonderful.

Alphys taught with confidence and happiness, eager to see the lights in her students' eyes as they began to understand what she was saying. Not much was better for a teacher than that, and she loved it.

Even the staff meeting at the end of the day was more fun than not; they'd spent most of it teasing each other, as they all loved each other so much, despite the fact that they worked together.

During these moments, Alphys felt her heart blossom. She felt that joy seep beneath her skin and soak her to the marrow. She felt like nothing could hurt her.

By the time she and Undyne got home, she'd allowed everything about sleep and dreams to get pushed to the side.

She didn't care, anymore.

She felt so happy, so free.

Thus, she was unprepared.

And she paid for it.

* * *

_”Doctor Alphys.”_

_She heard them, from far away._

_She didn't want to._

_“Doctor Alphys, please. You're the only one who can help us, now! Please!”_

_She felt hands on her shoulders, shaking her. She lashed out with a snarl, her hands hitting flesh, and the shaking stopped._

_She turned away, her eyes staying closed the entire time._

_“Please,” the voice begged._

_It wasn't familiar, not really. She wasn't sure who it was, or where they even came from._

_She hadn't even realised there were others left._

_“You're sick, Doctor,” the voice continued. “We can help you, we want to help you. But you need to_ let _us.”_

 _“So that_ I _can help_ you _,” she growled, her voice like gravel thrown against a brick wall._

_“We need to help each other, now. We need to start again. You're the only one left!”_

_“sans,” she answered._

_“We can't find him.”_

_She snorted. “Check the bars.”_

_“Like we should always check pharmacies for_ you _?”_

_She jolted, rage flashing through her, and she sat up, grabbed an empty bottle, and threw it toward the source of the voice, as hard as she could._

_She missed, and it shattered against the wall, glass shards raining briefly, but harmlessly._

_“Get out,” she hissed._

_When they did, she sat there, catching her breath._

_Throwing the bottle had tired her out._

_She was really weak, now._

_She looked at her hands, noticing the ragged edges of her claws, the bloody cuticles, the thinner fingers._

_They didn't feel attached to her._

_They felt like someone else's._

_She watched them move back to the bedside table and grab another bottle, watched as they opened it and scooped out too many pills, watched as they moved up toward her mouth._

_She felt the pills touch her tongue, and she used a glass of stale water to wash them down._

_Then, she slumped back down onto the bed, her eyes still on her hands._

_Her eyes were especially focused on the left ring finger, but she didn't know why._

_It was naked._

_It always was._

_It always would be._

_She had no one left._

_The one she'd loved, her face, swam up into memory, and Alphys whimpered, covering her face with her empty, naked hands._

_She cried, the first time in days._

_She also cried_ out _for her lost love, the love she never even got to have._

 _She kept crying out her name, over and over, as if to do so would bring her back, would bring her home, would bring her back to_ life _\--_

“--I'm right here, sweetie, I’m right here!”

Her throat hurt.

“Alphy, honey, please, snap out of it!”

She felt a sting to her cheek, one needle-sharp and shocking.

With it were the words, "I'm sorry!"

And with it, Alphys was awake.

Her eyes snapped open, unfocused and full of tears, and she went silent, not even realising she'd been screaming.

But she had been.

“I'm here, Alphy,” Undyne murmured. “I'm here, can you hear me? Alphy, can you hear me?”

“Undyne,” she croaked out, only this time, she wasn't screaming it; her voice was tiny, now.

“Yes!” Undyne agreed, smiling and nodding.

She leaned down and pulled Alphys against her, rocking her, and Alphys reached up and clung back, burying her face into Undyne's neck.

Undyne held her, her eye closed and her tears constant. She shivered, not from cold, but from shock.

Alphys had been screaming her name.

It had taken a lot to get her to snap free of it, but Undyne was ashamed of the method she'd used, and kept kissing the cheek she'd slapped.

“I’m sorry,” Undyne whispered, but Alphys shook her head, her claws digging into her back.

“You _saved_ me,” Alphys answered, her voice a strangled whisper. “Pl-please... please, Undyne... _please_...”

“What?” Undyne asked her, kissing her cheek, again.

“If you can, even-even if I tell you n-not to... S-save me... _save me._..”

Undyne felt a chill of foreboding snake through her, and she nodded right away.

“Yes,” she agreed. “Yes, Alphy. I promise.”

“Thank you,” Alphys squeaked out, before bursting into tears.

They were up for quite some time after that.

But while Undyne managed to fall back asleep, Alphys did not.

Her eyes stayed open, bright with terror.

She never wanted to sleep, again.


	7. Dangerous Game

After that, Alphys stopped sleeping – on her own.

She _did_ try, those first few nights, because Undyne begged her to, and she hated to upset her.

But she failed, and faked it, instead, just like she had that very first time.

She got away with it for almost a week, as she was indeed a skilled liar, one who lied so well that she could sometimes fool herself.

But she was eventually her own downfall, despite it being unintentional.

* * *

It was Friday.

It had been cold, and to keep warm was exhausting work in itself.

Warmth was impossible on four days of absolutely no sleep.

Alphys shivered throughout the entire day. She trembled as she taught, her voice wavering over simple words, as even it shook, too.

She almost made it, too.

She'd managed to fight her exhaustion, her body's desperate craving for warmth and comfort, her mind's tired pleas to sleep and rest.

Those things were easy to ignore when you were terrified of yourself.

But in the middle of her last lesson of the day, it caught up with her.

It started with her vision.

She'd swung around her desk to start writing on the whiteboard, a magnificent piece of magical technology that translated her chicken-scratch into actual, legible words, and she adored it.

She raised her arm, pen in hand, her mouth open to start narrating the words as she wrote.

Her vision then swam with strange black spots, like floaters, but darker, and difficult to look around or blink back.

Her voice trailed off, her tail suddenly going limp, and she froze, her body breaking into a familiar, cold sweat, despite already being so cold...

 _No_ , she thought to herself. _You can do this. The week is almost done. You've almost made it four days without sleep._

_You can do this._

It was an ironic thought, as it was the last one she remembered having.

She staggered to the side, as if pushed, and fell to the floor.

She was unconscious before she even realised what had happened, before she even hit the ground.

* * *

Undyne sighed, exasperated, now. “Frisk, stop being a punk,” she growled, just as the human flashed her a happy, teasing grin. She knew they were pulling her leg, and yet she still danced, anyway.

She liked Frisk, a lot. She saw them like she would a cherished cousin, or even a younger sibling. It always surprised her, how much affection she had for the enbie human, but it had been two years, and that affection only seemed to grow.

She saw _so much_ in Frisk, and not just because they were weirdly adept at politics, even without Asgore and Toriel’s help.

No, what Undyne saw was greatness, pure and simple, because it was one borne of _true skill_ , and not arrogance that made one _think_ they had that skill.

Frisk had that skill, used it when it served others, but very rarely used it for themself; when that rare occurrence happened, it was only because they also knew that, by helping themself, they would help countless others in the future.

And Undyne _loved_ them for it.

“Captain!”

Both Undyne and Frisk looked up, losing their smiles at once, when they saw a student run up to them – one Undyne recognised from her wife's classes.

“Captain, it's the Doctor--!”

Undyne was already on her feet and rushing to the door, adding a terse, “Talk as we walk.”

She'd been, somehow, expecting this.

She'd been denying it, wanting to believe her wife when she insisted she was fine, okay, sleeping well and feeling happy.

And perhaps, she _had_ felt those things.

Undyne had learnt by now the kinds of tells Alphys had when lying, and was usually able to call her out right away on them.

So maybe because of that, even though she'd wanted otherwise, Undyne had known that Alphys had been lying to her about her own well-being.

A feeling confirmed when she ran into her wife's classroom, shoved the crowd of worried students aside, and knelt down beside her. She looked her over without touching her, first, making sure that if she _did_ touch her, she wouldn’t make it worse.

Alphys was crumpled on her side, pale and breathing shallowly, her eyes shadowed and underscored, made worse with how pale she was.

But she looked otherwise unhurt, so Undyne moved closer, pulled her close, and picked her up into her arms, still kneeling on the floor.

When Alphys didn’t even stir, didn't even twitch, but simply laid limp in Undyne's arms, that was enough for Undyne.

She stood up, snapped at the students to get out, and ran out, her goal the nurse's office.

She just hoped it would be enough.

She was terrified of what a hospital would say, now.

* * *

Alphys woke up when the school nurse gave her a small dose of adrenaline. She groaned awake, reaching out without realising it, and Undyne immediately moved close enough for those hands to touch her.

One grabbed Undyne's hand, the other, the arm of that hand.

Her hands were icy cold.

“S-sorry,” she gasped out, shaking her head and trying to shake free of that draining darkness. “Sorry... I-I…”

Undyne shook her head and leaned down, then sat down beside her and hugged her tight. Alphys clung to her, biting down on the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood.

It was the only way she kept herself from weeping.

Undyne's eye went to the nurse, and the nurse looked... _uneasy_.

It scared Undyne.

“Captain... Doctor...” the nurse said tentatively, “I think it best if you followed up with your family doctor--,”

“No!” Alphys cried, looking up at her frantically. “No, I’m fine, I’m fine, pl-please stop--!”

“Why?” Undyne broke in sharply, her hold on her wife tightening.

The nurse paled. His eyes went to Alphys, who glared at him, and he swallowed hard.

He looked back at Undyne – and saw her fear and dread. And he changed his mind.

“Doctor Alphys is _severely_ exhausted,” he said firmly, flinching when Alphys seethed at him, her eyes blazing with rage. “I don't know what's happened, but it's clear that she hasn't slept in days. She's overworking herself.”

“Meaning?” Undyne growled.

“I don't know,” the nurse admitted. “You need your doctor, Captain.”

“ _I_ need _you_ to _shut up_ ,” Alphys snarled. She wanted to strike him, but even when she moved to do so, she felt too weak to even lift her hand.

“Alphy, he's being honest,” Undyne answered. “And clearly, _you're_ _not_.”

Alphys flinched, but with hurt.

It was true, she couldn't deny it, and she regretted it.

Because Undyne's expression that she wore, now, was far worse than she knew it would've been if Alphys had just been honest.

Inside, Alphys felt her heart crack.

With it, she felt shame, and self-hatred, and now, all she wanted to do was _die_...

“I'd go to the ER,” the nurse admitted weakly. “If she fainted, she needs to get checked out.”

“She did,” Undyne whispered.

“Get her to the ER.”

Alphys protested, tears filling her eyes, but not from frustration, or fear.

Rather, they were tears of shame, as every time Undyne looked at her, she looked so... _sad_...

 _Undyne will never forgive me,_ she realised _. And so she never should..._

But she was wrong; Undyne wasn't sad that she'd been lied to.

Rather, she was sad because of the _reason_ why she'd been lied to: Alphys clearly wanted to keep her blissfully ignorant.

And she didn't even understand _why_.

 _Yet_.

By the end of the day, she would.


	8. Personally Threatened

In the ER, Undyne held Alphys to her tight, her eye wide and glassy with fear. She trembled, her hands rubbing Alphys's back and arm, and she was silent.

Alphys was, too. She stared into empty space, her eyes dark and her face displaying every minute of sleep she'd lost, now, as she'd given up trying to mask it.

She felt it all.

It paralysed her and shamed her.

But even now, she couldn't sleep.

She was seen quickly, as the time of the day made wait times faster; it was a weekday afternoon, school barely dismissed, and most adults were still at work.

Alphys said very little when she was seen. She admitted she had insomnia, had it for almost five days, and hadn't slept for almost as long.

Her voice was flat, dead, and uncaring.

It terrified Undyne.

“Please,” she broke in, her hands on Alphys's drooping shoulders holding tight. “She's saying it like it's nothing, but it's not, it's _not_ , we need help--!”

The on-call doctor held up their hand, silencing her. “I know,” they admitted. “I see in her records that she recently had a sleep study, one that went badly.”

Alphys nodded mutely. “I don't want to sleep,” she said, her voice finally holding some emotion within it. “Do _not_ make me sleep. I don't want to!”

Her voice had risen, then broke, before she hunched over and covered her face – before bursting into tears.

The tears shocked Undyne, as Alphys had been nothing but chipper and cheerful all week.

But these tears were violent, gut-wrenching and physical, and in no time, Alphys was hyperventilating.

“Shit,” the doctor said, surprising Undyne with their unprofessionalism. “We don’t have her fitted, yet. Hold on!”

They ran out, a phone held up to their mouth, and was gone before Undyne could say a word.

Alphys didn't notice. She didn't notice anything but her grief, her terror, her desperation to keep herself awake.

Away from _that place._

Away from her dreams that she somehow knew were _not_ mere dreams.

Away from the reality that she truly didn't deserve this beautiful, wonderful life...

Then, she heard Undyne's voice.

“Alphy, my love,” Undyne was whispering, her arms around her and holding her close, once more rocking them both. “Alphy, can you hear me? Can you hear me, baby?”

Alphys nodded, hoping Undyne could at least feel it. She wanted Undyne to know she could hear her, wasn't ignoring her, was so sorry she was causing her this pain...

“Alphy, I need you to count your breaths, now, okay?” Undyne's soothing, melodic voice was murmuring.

Alphys loved Undyne's voice, finding it softer and smoother than velvet, its deep tones like the best of music...

Her best friend, her crush, her lover, true love, wife...

_Undyne is my wife..._

For some reason, that anchored her. She reached up and grabbed hold of Undyne's arm and leaned her head back against her chest, closing her eyes.

Then, alongside her wife, Alphys counted her breaths.

They managed to get to four before the doctor came back with two nurses. Despite the fact that Alphys was trying with all that she was, she was still crying badly, still exhausted and on her last ounces of strength.

When they took hold of her hand, she growled and snatched it back.

She knew what they wanted with it.

And she didn’t want it.

But then, Undyne's hand took hold of hers, her grip firm and strong, and dragged it away from her chest. She held it up, her eye on the doctor's, but Alphys cried out, trying to pull it back.

Undyne was the strongest person she'd ever met; she had no hopes of freeing her hand.

And Undyne knew it.

“No!” Alphys protested, even as Undyne held her arm as still as possible. “No, _stop_! No! I-- _ow_!”

The IV port was in, now, and Alphys reached up to tear it off with her other hand.

Undyne grabbed it, holding it back as the doctor eased a syringe into the IV and connected the two, before pushing down the plunger.

The entire time, Alphys was panicked, as frantic as her weakened state could allow her to be. She begged them to stop, told them she didn't want it, threatened to sue if they did it...

But they did it, anyway.

She fought them, trying to jerk away, even as it hit her blood. She tried to curse them out, to protest, to beg them not to—

\--but she went silent, her eyes closing, and she slumped in Undyne's arms.

Undyne closed her eye for a moment, pulling Alphys to her and just... _holding_ her, for a moment.

She felt so stupid.

Alphys had been lying to her for almost a week, hadn't slept for as long, and Undyne hadn't seen _any_ of it.

All she'd seen was what Alphys _wanted_ her to. And all of that had been _lies_.

The lies hurt, but the reason for them hurt her, more.

When the doctor got her attention, she picked Alphys up and brought her over to a cot, and sat down beside it as they started taking fluids for tests.

The entire time, she held Alphys's free hand, dismayed by how cold and limp it was.

She was scared, now. More scared than she'd been during the sleep test.

_The sleep test._

Undyne closed her eye and lowered her head, just as she was left alone with Alphys.

Of course.

It was after the sleep test.

When Alphys finally almost slept through the night – only to wake up in hell.

Alphys had stopped sleeping right after.

Looking back, now, it was _obvious_.

Undyne looked up and over at Alphys, who was out like a light. Her face looked relaxed, expressionless, the kind found only with deep – or drugged – sleep.

She had no idea what to do, who to go to, how to help.

For the first time in the years since she'd known Alphys, she had no idea how to help her.

It terrified her.

Undyne was not used to being without control. She liked her life in order, as much as it could be, with perhaps a few fun variances here or there.

But the keyword was _fun_.

This was anything _but_ fun.

She was used to being able to find solutions to most of her problems, ones that had challenged her so deeply that she'd assumed she'd fail.

Instead, she'd succeeded.

When Alphys confessed her depression, her past abuse, her self-abuse, Undyne was thrown into panic; she had no solutions to any of it.

But she learnt, with Alphys helping her, that some things _had_ no solutions, but instead, were dealt with as they came, until they quieted down to a manageable state.

And even that had worked.

Until now.

Undyne had no idea what any of it meant. She had no idea if it even _could_ mean anything.

She knew Alphys was terrified of going insane.

She knew Alphys felt she'd never earned this life.

And she knew that both of those things threatened to take Alphys away from her.

_“If you can, even if I tell you not to, save me. Save me.”_

That's what Alphys had begged of her.

So Undyne would.

She would save Alphys.

Even if Alphys didn't want to be saved.


	9. Swallowing Bitterness

Alphys was prescribed sleeping pills, after spending the entire night in the hospital.

Undyne never left her side.

Ironically, it was she who didn't sleep, this time.

When she woke up, Alphys was confused. She had no memory of sleep, again, save that the horrible raw, sanded-scales feeling had vanished.

She felt a hand on her cheek, then, and smiled, just a little.

 _If_ that _hand is here,_ she thought, _everything will be okay._

“Hi,” she whispered, opening her eyes and covering that hand with her own.

Undyne smiled, unable to help it; Alphys, to her, was _adorable_ , and being in a hospital made this no different for her.

“Hello, cutie,” she replied.

“I'm sorry,” Alphys answered, her memory finally catching up to her. She blushed with shame and embarrassment; she'd thrown a tantrum, when people were trying to help her...

“Nah, Alphy, I totally get it,” Undyne answered, surprising Alphys. “But first...”

Alphys had sat up, and Undyne helped her, before grinning – and placing a paper bag in Alphys's lap. Alphys poked it, making Undyne grin wider, until she just tore it open. The smell of hot take-out breakfast wafted out, hitting Alphys's senses, and she growled happily, reaching in.

She'd been forced to fast for the entire previous night, and Undyne had asked if she could get Alphys real food for when she woke up. After getting several insulted looks, she was given permission.

Seeing the expression on Alphys's face now, however, made her realise that she would've snuck the food in, anyway, as Alphys ate with happy gusto, her smile wide and her eyes closed with each bite.

Undyne smiled, reaching over and brushing an errant crumb from her wife's nose, and Alphys looked up, her tail a blur.

In those eyes were clarity, focus; she looked like she had before this entire thing had worsened.

It comforted Undyne – who now sipped a coffee she'd bought for herself, using it to hid her lips quivering from emotion.

Alphys was oblivious, her mouth and fingers soon coated with grease, but happily. She'd been _starving_ , despite not feeling hungry for days, and this was not only the best thing she'd ever tasted, but it also made her body feel even better.

 _The power of junk food,_ she thought happily, now licking her fingers clean. She'd wolfed it down so fast that Undyne had barely had two gulps of coffee before she had to hand her napkins, and some iced coffee.

Alphys took both with such gratitude that, again, Undyne hid behind her coffee, her eye burning with regretful relief.

 _She looks like Alphy, again,_ Undyne thought, her eye now on Alphys's blur of a tail.

_Happy, silly, and cute._

_I was so fucking stupid and blind._

But now, she knew better.

Now, she knew what Alphys looked like when endangering herself, but trying to masterfully hide it, thus ruining that hiding, completely.

Because now Undyne knew.

And she would make sure her Alphy would sleep.

Alphys crumpled up the rubbish and tossed it on the food tray, drinking her coffee with a smile.

She looked up at Undyne – but her eyes darkened, before she looked away, her smile vanishing.

“Undyne,” she murmured, “I'm sorry.”

Undyne reached over and covered her hand with one of her own, finding it damp and cold from her cup.

Alphys looked down at their hands, making sure their fingers braided together; the yellow and blue of their skin contrasted so nicely, and Alphys's short fingers and Undyne's long fingers didn't seem so different this way.

“Can you tell me, next time?” Undyne wondered softly.

Alphys tugged on her hand.

Undyne blinked, but Alphys merely tugged harder, so she stood up and went to the side of the cot.

Alphys then looked up at her, her eyes full, and when she tugged a final time, Undyne understood, and sat down beside her, pulling her close.

Alphys cuddled up against her chest, her face hidden in Undyne's shoulder.

“I _want_ to,” she admitted weakly, her arms around Undyne's waist, mindful of the IV's tubes.

But then, she flinched; that was a lie.

“No,” she corrected sadly. “I don't. I _don't_ want to tell you.”

She felt Undyne go rigid, but Alphys continued.

“I’m tired of hurting you, Undyne,” Alphys went on, her eyes closed and her nose buried into the soft cotton of Undyne's shirt, inhaling her lovely scent: shampoo, sweet-smelling soap, a bit of sweat, and a uniquely salty, briny scent, one Undyne always had, no matter what.

“You're not,” Undyne answered right away, meaning it.

“I am,” Alphys corrected. “I am, and I hate it. I _hate_ it, Undyne. I... I-I… I don't know... “ Her voice fell, almost to a whisper. “…if I can keep doing this to you, anymore.”

“What--?” Undyne cried, fear crashing into her.

But unfortunately, the doctor walked in at that moment, and the topic had to be dropped.

Alphys suddenly looked over and shrank down a little, deeply ashamed of her behaviour. She went silent, her face pale, and she desperately wanted to hide.

But the doctor was very kind. “Good morning, Doctor Alphys!” they greeted. Their eyes fell on the take-out bag, before they rolled up, then went back to Alphys. “How do you feel?”

“B-better,” she whispered.

The doctor pulled over another chair and sat beside them, giving Undyne a sideways glance when they noticed she was in Alphys's bed, one that vanished when they saw it was an innocent presence.

“Well, Doctor,” they said, holding up what Alphys assumed to be her chart. “It looks like you're having trouble sleeping.”

“To say the least,” Undyne snorted.

“Y-yes,” Alphys answered, her voice weak and small with shame. “I'm... s-scared t-to sleep...”

“Why is that?”

“I... have n-n-nightmares,” she answered.

It was the truth, but not entirely. She just didn't want to get into the fact that they were lucid, and increasing in frequency too fast for her to cope with.

“Frequently,” Undyne added sharply, her eye on the doctor. “She wakes up in complete fight-or-flight mode, and lately, it's been more than once every week.”

She bit her lip, then added, “She keeps pretending like it means less than it actually _does_ , Doctor.”

“Undyne,” Alphys interjected. “I'll be _fine_ \--,”

“I'm siding with the Captain, here, Doctor,” the doctor replied calmly, making Alphys angry. “If you refused to sleep for days, and kept it to yourself, that's not fine. If you leave here and do it again, you won't be fine.”

“I...” Alphys stammered, but when she realised that all she had to say were lies, she shut her mouth and looked away, furious.

“Alright, Doctor, answer me one question, and I’ll see if I can believe you, that you're _fine_.”

“What?” Alphys snapped.

“Are you going to sleep once you’re at home?”

Alphys felt hot rage fill her blood – but hotter tears flood her eyes. “You...” she spluttered out, her voice choked. “ _You_...”

Undyne looked at her, surprised by this. “Alphy, why are you mad? Say yes. It's true, right?”

Alphys lowered her eyes, her hands clenching into her blanket, shaking.

Undyne bit her lip, especially when tears hit the blanket below Alphys's face.

“You're still scared?” Undyne asked her.

Alphys nodded, refusing to look up at anyone, now.

“Exactly,” the doctor agreed. “You wouldn't sleep, and I’d see you here, again. You're nice enough, but I’m not interested in seeing you, again.”

Alphys smiled a little, surprising both the doctor and Undyne. “T-true,” she agreed softly.

“Doctor, I want to prescribe you some sleeping pills.” They recited a name that Alphys recognised but Undyne made a face at, the name sounding like gibberish.

“It seems like you sleep fine with medicine helping you,” they explained. “Maybe it will help block your nightmares for a while.”

For some reason, this made Alphys feel uneasy, despite actually agreeing with them. There was something unsettling about the idea of sleeping pills, of bottles of drugs...

“Not forever, though, right?” she asked, her eyes wide and slightly fearful.

“Not forever,” they agreed, and Alphys relaxed. “Just for a few weeks, maybe a month, until you get enough sleep and manage to break the cycle of bad dreams.”

“Th-then...” Alphys hesitated, still a little uneasy, but she shook it off. “Okay. Yes.”

Undyne suddenly hugged her, surprising her. “Thank you, Alphy,” she whispered, kissing her cheeks.

Before she could even ask, she added, “For wanting to try to sleep, still.”

“For _you_ ,” Alphys corrected, with complete honesty, earning her more kisses. 

They got the prescription filled, and Alphys was free to leave an hour later.

Alphys held the medicine in her hands, as Undyne pushed her in a wheelchair to the entrance, so that Papyrus could drive them home. She felt silly in a wheelchair, but Undyne insisted, and she didn't fight her on it.

Undyne was glad. She wanted to spoil Alphys for the rest of the weekend, starting now. She wanted Alphys to feel better, again.

But she would fail.


	10. Slipping Through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for suicide (drug overdose).

To Alphys's surprise, they worked.

That first night, she dropped to sleep before Undyne even got to bed, and slept through the entire night, waking up only when Undyne woke her. 

She felt groggy for a while, after, but otherwise felt fine; she'd had no dreams.

They were both shocked – but overjoyed.

Alphys even cried a little, she was so happy.

It worked that way for two days more, before she suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, terrified and shaking, with Undyne holding her close.

It had worn off.

Alphys took another, and dropped back to sleep until morning.

The next night, she took a double-dose.

She had to double _that_ the next day.

By the time she'd spent an entire week on the drug, Alphys realised that it wasn't working, anymore; she'd grown tolerant of it, and if she kept trying to up the dose, she would hurt herself.

She looked it up, and realised the drug was the strongest of its class; she was literally on the strongest medicine available.

She even went with Undyne to the doctor to confirm it.

It was true.

Now knowing that, Alphys was never safe.

Somehow, _that place_ was stronger.

Somehow, she was still trapped.

Nothing would fix her.

Nothing _could_.

When they got home that night from the doctor's, they were both quiet, shocked.

Undyne was dismayed, shaking from head-to-toe. She'd hoped that the Internet had been wrong, and that Alphys did have a chance of finding a stronger medicine, or a higher dose.

But it was right.

Alphys was shocked because she realised that, with a strange kind of detachment, that she really _was_ going insane.

She felt so spoilt, so guilty, that her mind was shattering with the weight of those feelings, and telling her it really _was_ a dream.

And the scariest part was that Alphys believed it, now.

 _Nothing_ worked.

It stayed the same.

She wasn't dreaming of a life she thought she deserved.

She was dreaming _this_ dream, and what she truly deserved were the nightmares - _true_ reality.

This really _was_ too good to be true.

Therefore, it _wasn't true._

And even when Undyne took her hand and helped her from the car, even when Undyne helped her inside and hugged her tight, Alphys knew.

_None of this is real._

_None of this is true._

This _is what I wish I deserved, but will never get._

This _is the dream._

_It's time to wake up._

Thus, when Undyne helped her to bed, lying down with her and whispering that it would be okay, that they would figure it out, and they would get past this...

Alphys closed her eyes, and planned her suicide.

 _If I die in this dream world,_ she reasoned _,_ as she felt Undyne relax against her, _I'll wake up where I always belonged - no, where I’ve_ really been _, all along._

And she listened to Undyne whisper, “I love you,  _so_ _much_ , Alphy...”

And she felt her heart break, and shatter into a million pieces of dust.

“Undyne,” she whispered back, turning around and hugging onto her tight.

She buried her face into Undyne's hair, inhaled her scent, memorised the feel of her body pressed against her own, her hands upon her back...

“Undyne, I'm _so sorry,”_ she whispered back.

“It's not your fault,” Undyne murmured honestly, soothed by how tender and gentle Alphys was. “We'll get through it, Alphy. I'm not gonna let _anything_ hurt you, anymore. I'm gonna prove to you that you belong here, because you do, you _really do.”_

Alphys closed her eyes, her teeth biting on the inside of her cheek so hard that she tasted blood. “Thank you, Undyne. No matter what, I love you. _I love you,_ Undyne. Always... _always_...”

“Me too,” Undyne murmured, drifting off to sleep, now. “With you, _always_...”

When Alphys was certain Undyne was asleep, she slipped away, pulled on her favourite set of pyjamas, and picked up her phone.

She stopped, glancing at Undyne through the inky night, able to see her with memory more than eyesight.

She smiled faintly, nodding.

 _It's better this way, Undyne,_ she thought _. I promise_.

She left the bedroom and shuffled to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

She reached into one of the cabinets and pulled out the bottle of sleeping pills.

She looked up the name, again, and did some math.

She had more than enough.

She poured herself a glass of water.

She sat down on the floor, leaning against the bathtub.

She crossed her legs, hunched over her phone, and typed.

 _“Undyne,_  
_We both know I never belonged here. I'm not good enough to belong here. I get it, now, Undyne. This isn't the reality. This is the dream. The dreams, that place, is where I belong. Where I am. There's no way I’d ever be able to deserve the happiness you gave me. I never could. I never will. I deserve to die. So... I decided to sleep, Undyne. Only forever, now. Someday, I know you’ll realise you're better off without me, and always were. When you do, please forget me. Please, just forget me. I don’t even deserve to be in your memories._  
_I love you, Undyne. I'm doing this because I love you. I hate hurting you. All I’m doing is hurting you. I'd rather die than keep you trapped in misery, the only thing I have to offer anyone._  
_But I do love you. I'm sorry for everything I ever did. I'm sorry I stole that time away from you._  
_I’m sorry I was born._  
_I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry._  
_Your Alphy.”_

She saved it, sent it to Undyne's email (she knew Undyne only checked that in the mornings), and left a copy of it open on her phone, so that if anyone else found her, they would know it was suicide.

Then she realised it didn't even _matter_.

None of this was real.

None of this was actually happening.

Undyne didn't love her.

 _No one_ did.

She closed her eyes, crying for a moment, unable to help it.

She _wanted_ to deserve this life.

She _wished_ she did.

She picked up the bottle of pills, emptied a handful of them into her hand, counted them, and took them, before she could even try to change her mind.

They tasted awful.

They made her gag, her eyes water, her vision blur.

She let all of it happen, accepted it as her fate.

She watched her phone's clock, watching the numbers change, as she felt her body start to weigh her down.

She let sweet memories – _delusions_ – slip through her mind, making the time move faster.

She dropped to her side, like a sack of popatoes, surprised by it - but she didn't fight it.

She still held her phone, realising, when she saw the time, that it had been an hour, now, so she should be feeling _something_...

She felt _nothing_.

Everything was tinted with darkening shadows.

She felt strange, like she hurt, but she couldn't actually feel it, or why.

She felt so confused.

Suddenly, she felt something change.

She felt the world change a little, move higher, and when her eyes managed to give her feedback, she recognised what she was seeing.

 _Undyne_.

She heard a murmuring sound, like a voice under water, and she shook her head, even though she didn't understand what had been said.

She heard louder sounds, sounds like words, but without meaning.

She shook her head again.

She struggled to speak.

“Don't,” she whispered. “D-don't... s-save.... m-me...”

She didn't even know if she even said those words, if they made sense, if they were even words...

 _I love you,_ she thought, Undyne barely more than a blurry outline of dimming colours _._

_I love you... I love you... I love you..._

_I wish I deserved you..._

Then, the rest was silence.

**END OF PART ONE**


	11. Loathsome Return

**PART TWO: THE NIGHTMARE**

Alphys woke to the sun hitting her face.

She growled, then reached out, expecting to feel Undyne next to her—

\--only her hands landed on cold, empty sheets.

Her eyes snapped open.

Above her, glittering with faux sunlight, was a sunstone.

She stared at it, unable to look away for a long time.

Then, she looked back to the bed, and felt her whole body go cold with shock.

The bed was empty, and she was alone.

When she looked around the room, she realised she knew it. She recognised it.

Including the smear of glass still stuck to the wall across from her...

She sobbed, her whole body curling up with grief.

She'd been right.

It _had_ been a dream.

_This really was her reality._

Slowly, like a trickle of spring water, memories came rushing back to her, and with them, her tears.

Watching the human on the monitors, excited but scared...

Only to have that excitement destroyed in an instant, replaced by complete and total fear...

Undyne, beautiful Undyne, her voice high-pitched with desperation...

_“Please, Alphy! Get everyone to safety! It's killing everyone!”_

And Alphys's desperate plea, for her to come with them, to hide, too...

But _, “No, Alphy. I have to try. I have to try to kill it. If I can, at least... at least then...”_

And she'd sobbed, before adding, “ _we can get our revenge.”_

 _“Please, Undyne,”_ Alphys had begged.

 _“I'll come back for you,”_ Undyne answered _. “I'll meet you in New Home, with its soul. Hide everyone there, away from the Palace. If I fail... Alphy, if I fail...”_

_“No...!”_

_“Alphy, if I fail, I need you to be strong. I need you to be brave. I need you to be who you really are.”_

_“Undyne, please--,”_

_“I have to go,”_ Undyne said, her voice distracted. _“Run, Alphy. Save them. I'll see you, soon.”_

_“Undyne, I lo—,”_

Silence.

Undyne had hung up before Alphys could finish.

And she never did finish.

Instead, she had to watch as Undyne was murdered, in cold blood, even when Undyne had fought with _everything_ she was...

But somehow, Alphys had managed to do exactly what Undyne had asked of her. She'd pushed away the grief, got everyone together, and ran for New Home, intent on hiding in the subway, a place she was certain the human didn't know about...

She'd been right.

But the time it took to get there had cost them Mettaton, who'd begged Alphys to give him a way to fight, too—and fail, because she wasn't even good at _that_...

Alphys had been surrounded by survivors, looked to as a leader, and she felt dead inside.

When the human vanished, taking Asgore's soul and leaving them all behind, it took a long time for anyone to truly feel safe.

It had taken sans.

He'd found them, looking haunted and empty, and said, his voice hollow, “it left with the king’s soul.”

Alphys felt her already-broken heart shatter.

And it was then that she ran away, to the Palace, to Asgore's home, the guest wing, where she'd stayed many times as a guest for political meetings, protocol updates, or updates on her work.

She'd found the room she always stayed in and locked herself into it.

She didn't come out during the day, but only at night, for food, for drinks, for a washroom.

And soon, when she felt that her grief was growing, not easing, with time, she found herself running to the pharmacies, buying up their sedating medications, pretending it was for others, when everyone knew she was a liar.

The pharmacies were only open because people always needed medicine, regardless of the fact that their world was a war zone.

She didn't care, anymore.

Undyne was wrong.

She _couldn't_ do this at all.

So she _didn't_.

_How long has it been?_

She wondered this, watching the sunstone glitter and light up the room.

Compared to the sunlight she'd dreamt of, this was such a flimsy imitation that it infuriated her.

She threw her hand up, pointed at it, and tried to zap it to pieces with her magic.

But nothing came out – not even a spark.

She was too weak, now, to do even that.

She yearned to go back to sleep, to dream herself back into that world she'd never deserved, but she knew it was impossible, now.

Clearly, the narrative of her lucid dreams had ended, and it was gone, forever.

She felt herself tear up, but the tears were thin, tiny, and stuck to her lashes.

 _I want to die,_ she realised.

Clearly, she'd already been trying to, if she went by her physical state.

She hadn't eaten in days, drank only enough water to swallow pills, and had barely needed to even use the washroom, let alone have the energy to do so.

She looked at the pill bottles all around her.

 _On the surface, they were plastic,_ she thought stupidly. _But here, they're always glass. Because glass is easier to make._

 _There's enough medication to kill me,_ she realised. _There has been for what seems like days._

So why hadn't she killed herself?

Why had she just made herself sleep?

She looked at her hands, focusing on her left one.

_Because I promised Undyne I would be strong and brave._

_‘I need you to be who you really are.'_

_But I’m nothing._

_I'm trash._

_I'm a loser, a failure._

_I'm not brave._

_I'm not strong._

_Who I really am is a coward._

_I wanted the human to kill me, too..._

_Like it killed_ you _..._

Alphys sobbed, covering her face with her hands. Her arms hurt, she realised, especially the left, and when she looked, she saw long clawmarks along the insides of her arms – and dried blood under her own claws.

“I can't,” Alphys sobbed out loud, her voice as shattered as her heart. “Undyne, I _can't_. I need you... _I need you_...”

She sobbed again, reaching out to the empty side of the bed, wishing for Undyne to be there, for the sunlight to be real, for the pill bottles to be plastic...

Nothing changed.

She was where she belonged.

But she was wrong. 

She screamed for Undyne - her wife in another life, mere dust in this one - to help her, to save her, to come back...

But someone else came back for her, instead. 


	12. Don't Shrug

Alphys must’ve cried herself to sleep, because she suddenly felt herself shaken awake, and quite roughly, too. She growled, but it didn't stop.

Then, she heard a cold, low voice say, “Get out of bed, Alphys.”

Her eyes opened, a chill sweeping through her. Her eyes landed on empty pits, empty voids, endless holes...

“What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing, Alphys?” Sans demanded, his hand on her shoulder, his fingers sharp and digging in. “Do you know how long it's been? How long I’ve been looking for you?!”

She suddenly felt a wave of disgust. “Oh, _fuck you,”_ she answered, her fury pushing away her fear. “You have not. You've known I’ve been here since I got here. You were just too busy drinking away your fucked-up guilt.”

His hand tightened, and she yelped, feeling the tips of his fingers bite and break her skin. She squirmed, reaching up and trying to pull his hand away, but instead, he grabbed the wrist of that hand with his other, and dug those fingers into the deep scratches on her wrist.

“Stop!” she cried, losing her pride the second the pain crashed into her, with no pause or reprieve. “Stop it! Let me go!”

“No,” Sans answered. “You hypocritical _coward_.”

“No _shit_!” she snarled, jerking her arm and trying to strike his face, but he held it still.

Sans was not strong, but in her weakened state, she was powerless.

 _“Get up, Alphys,”_ he snapped, finally letting go of her, but roughly, shoving her away from him as he took a step back.

She stumbled, gasping, before she laid back down and curled up, her back to him. She trembled, feeling blood ooze from her arm and shoulder, but she couldn't care less.

Then, she heard glass breaking.

She shot up, just as Sans grabbed another – full – bottle of sedatives and threw it against the wall.

It burst open, pills raining down like bright hail.

When he grabbed another, she threw herself at him with a shriek, grabbing his hand and trying to prise the bottle from his fingers.

It didn't matter if he broke them, not really. She could probably save most of the pills, the ones unbroken or sullied by shards, but even a few lost pills were too many, each one precious in this wretched world.

“You have no right!” she cried. He stumbled, clearly unable to handle her weight, despite her weight loss, and she held fast. “You have _no right,_ you _fucking hypocrite!”_

“Yes, Alphys, I’m aware that I’m a piece of shit!” Sans snapped, letting go of the bottle and shoving her back, again.

She held it to her chest like she would a treasured stuffed animal, and when he noticed, he looked disgusted.

“But at least _now_ , I’m trying,” he added, his dead eyes on her glassy, pain-crazed eyes. “ _I'm trying_ , Alphys. At least I _want_ to make up for what _I_ fucked up.”

“What do you _want_ from me?” Alphys demanded, her voice soft, now. Her eyes stung, but again, she seemed to have no tears.

“What _Undyne_ wanted, Alphys.”

Alphys flinched, a sob escaping her without control.

Images jumbled up in her mind, of a dream life, where she was Undyne's wife, a teacher in a school for humans and monsters on the surface, wondering if she'd ever be brave enough to ask about children of their own...

…and with those, images of harsh reality: Undyne, pleading with her over the phone, fighting for her life, begging Alphys to flee, smiling her crazy, fuck-everything grin before melting – then crumbling to dust.

 _“I want to die!”_ Alphys wailed, suddenly, sitting up and throwing the bottle she held against the wall, herself.

She cowered in front of Sans, her hands held up over her head, her palms up toward the ceiling and flat.

She croaked out, “Please, Sans. Mercy. Kill me! _Mercy, Sans!”_

Then, she screamed it, “ _Kill me, Sans! Show me Mercy!”_

But then, she felt his hands touch hers, his cold palms flat against her warm ones.

“No,” he answered.

His voice was still cold, still low, but it no longer pierced her head.

“Yes,” she sobbed, jerking her hands away and holding them flat, again, her forehead pressed to the mattress. “Mercy, Sans. _Mercy_. Kill me. _Kill me_...!”

Sans moved to sit on the bed beside her, then took hold of her hands once more. They dropped, but he held them firm, and carefully, he wrapped his arms around her and sat her up.

Then, he embraced her.

She didn't understand, at first. She just felt cold, waiting for merciful death.

Instead, she felt gentle physical contact, non-threatening and kind.

When she realised that, seconds later, she felt it.

Sans was shaking, severely.

She blinked, raising her head, but when she tried to look into his face, he jerked it away, hiding from her. He then reached up and shoved his hood on over his head, dragging it down over his face, before hugging onto her, again.

“I need you,” he whispered.

She felt her whole body flood with confused shock. She barely even understood what he was saying to her.

“No one needs me,” she answered weakly.

“Everyone needs you,” Sans corrected. “I can't be what they need, Alphys. You're the only one left who can. Everyone is already looking up to you.”

“Not everyone,” she muttered, thinking of the visitor she had, the one who'd mocked her addiction.

But then, Sans shocked her. “Alphys, nobody knows where you're hiding. By the time people recognise you when you’re out buying drugs, you're gone. Nobody has been here.”

That scared her.

She'd been hallucinating...?

That entire exchange – even the sensation of being touched – had been fake.

She'd fabricated it.

And now she recognised the visitor she'd spoken to, the one who'd mocked her.

It had been _herself_.

“Sans,” she whispered, feeling tiny and lost, “how long _has_ it been...?”

“Two weeks. Almost three.” He paused, and suddenly, his voice changed. “alphys... you're very, _very_ sick, aren't you?” It was his normal voice.

“Yeah,” she admitted, the word more bitter than any pill ever could be. “I... I n-need h-help... I-I d-don’t know wh-what... what Un-Undyne m-means...” She sobbed. “M-meant...”

“i'm sorry, doc,” sans murmured, pulling away to look at her, his eyes small and dim, but at least present. “but... we can try to find out...”

“How...?” Alphys cried, her sobs violent but fearless. She was dehydrated, now, too. “How? I c-c-can't be what any- _anyone_ n-needs, sans...”

“you're not alone, doc,” sans replied, his arms still around her neck.

His hands then slipped down to her face, but when that happened, Alphys jerked away.

She was touch-starved, yes.

But _that_ was _too_ intimate, especially with the dream-memory of Undyne holding her face, only with love, tender and undying love...

He let his hands drop, and he lowered his head, his hood hiding his face once more.

“doc,” he then whispered, his voice choked. “i need you. i don't want to be alone, anymore... everyone i ever loved is dead... you... you're...”

Alphys covered her face with her hands, then lowered down and prostrated before sans, right there and upon the bed.

Her hands didn't go up, though. They stayed over her face, catching minuscule tears, as tiny as her hope...

Suddenly, she felt sans touch her upper back, and rub between her shoulderblades.

And with it, she suddenly felt the weight of the world settle upon her shoulders.

And finally, at last, she woke up.


	13. Unexpected Ally

They first thing Alphys needed to do before anything else was go to a hospital.

That was made obvious when sans tried to help her to her feet – and she fainted at _his_ feet, instead.

She didn't even realise she had until she felt a slap to her cheek.

With it, she was blown back into her dreams, the slap she'd been given, then, so much gentler, coupled with a regretful but relieved apology...

“Undyne...” she murmured as she came to, her hand reaching up to her cheek.

But the hand was already gone, and she only touched her own skin.

She opened her eyes, and found a very blurry sans kneeling beside her, looking terrified.

“you just _fell_ ,” he whispered, his pinpoint eyes dim. “i _tried_ to catch you, i _really_ did!”

“Mnm,” Alphys answered.

She closed her eyes, as everything had started to spin, and she felt sick, _really_ sick.

She tried to reassure him, tried to push herself back up to her feet, but when she did, she simply collapsed, again.

“F-f-fuck...” she sobbed, frustration and shame making her weep. “I-I... c-can't... m-move...”

“okay,” sans murmured, kneeling down beside her. “what do we do? you're the doc, not me.”

She closed her eyes and snorted. “sans, did-did we j-just m-m-meet?”

She heard him inhale sharply, then sigh.

She then felt his hand touch her cheek, but her eyes snapped open and she jerked away, slapping away his hand at the same time.

It barely worked; she fumbled with fatigue, but sans got the message, and did not try to touch her face, again.

For now, anyway.

“look, doc, you're right, we've got history. with the so-called parents we had, we had no choice.”

Alphys nodded, her eyes closed again, trying to will the strength back into her body, so she could at least sit up…

“I hate her, sometimes,” Alphys heard herself say, surprising them both. “I know she just wanted success, wanted glory and fame, but she did it for herself, and always forgot about me.”

Silence met her words, and she flinched. “I-I'm s-sorry,” she added. “I’m… not feeling g-good…”

Something that was getting worse the longer she laid there, she realised. The whole room was spinning, and she felt like _thinking_ took actual physical strength.

“doc?” sans called.

She nodded, but it hurt, so she stopped.

“hey. doc. talk?”

“Heh,” she muttered. “Poem.”

“where's your phone, alphys?”

Alphys shivered. “Floor of the b-bathroom... Sui… suicide n-note...”

She heard movement, then nothing, before sans came back. “it's not there, and what do you mean, suicide note?”

“F-f-for... Undyne...” she whispered. “So... she would know... _it_ wasn't her fault...”

Silence, followed by more movement, sounding almost frantic.

She heard sans say something, but she kept her eyes closed.

It felt better to, and when she did, she could imagine the world she'd left behind...

_A world too good for me..._

“palace,” sans said tersely, his voice tiny to her hearing. “it's doctor alphys. she's sick, has been for days, and i can't carry her to you.”

 _Why would he even want to?_ she wondered, feeling blissfully numb, now. _I feel better. I guess I just needed to lie down on something flat..._

“for the love of the universe, get here, please, hurry up, hurry up, _hurry up!”_

She felt pressure on one of her shoulders, not recognising it as sans's hand, not even when his fingers dug in hard enough to hurt her.

She felt nothing.

Then, the last words she heard, before she slipped unconscious:

_“I'm losing her, and I can't lose her, too!”_

It wasn't his usual voice.

But she knew: it was his _true_ voice.

And she felt bad for causing him to use it.

Guilt, however, wasn't enough to keep her awake, and she drifted away, hoping to wake up in Undyne's arms...

* * *

She awoke alone, in a room she hadn't seen in several years, but immediately recognised – when she managed to open her eyes.

It was a struggle to. They were heavy, gummy and glued together, and everything around her appeared as familiar blurs.

She listened; beeping.

She wiggled her nose; it was fitted with an oxygen tube.

She flexed her left hand; it was IVed.

 _Fuck_ , she thought grumpily.

If she hadn't recognised the room, she would’ve allowed herself to believe that she had survived her drug overdose, and Undyne would appear any second, now, worried and mad, but, _hopefully_ , still loving her, anyway...

_But, no._

She was in the Palace infirmary.

Clearly, when sans called for help, instead of trying to transport her to New Home, they brought her here, instead.

It made sense. She would've done the same for a patient of her own.

But she _loathed_ it.

It hadn't changed much; it was still private, still _very_ purple, and still very fancy and comfortable.

But she _hated_ it, because the last time she'd been here, she'd just been fished out of the abyss.

“Asgore?” she whispered suddenly, stupid hope transporting her back to that time, its boundaries blurred by memory.

But of course he was not there.

He was dead.

Just like everyone else she'd ever loved or cared about.

She closed her eyes, one hand going to the oxygen tube and tugging on it a little. It was strong and thick, not exactly plastic but not exactly magic, either.

She tugged it harder.

It was strong.

It was strong enough.

But by the time she had wrapped it around her neck, Sans burst in and yanked her hands back, all in eerie, terrifying silence.

Because Alphys was fighting him as hard as she could.

“Please,” she rasped out, just as Sans gave up, looked around, and grabbed a pair of scissors, before cutting the tube away from her neck.

Then, he yanked it free from her nose, and she cried out, the pain jolting her. She covered her nose, but Sans merely tossed the tube in the dustbin and shut off the oxygen.

 _“Asshole,”_ she added, tears filling her eyes.

This time, they were real tears, thick and salty and burning her skin.

Sans turned and looked at her, his empty eyes making her wince, but not look away.

“I _wanted_ to,” she went on, glaring at him with hatred, hatred borne from being robbed of her right to die. “I _want to die,_ Sans.”

“Too fucking bad,” he answered, grabbing a chair and sitting down in it, beside her bed. “You're staying alive.”

“No,” she answered, looking away.

She reached up, her right hand closing around her throat, but Sans pulled it away and kept hold of it, even as she tried to pull it away.

Sans wasn't strong, but Alphys was very sick, and lacked strength of her own.

Then, flatly, Sans told her how she'd fared.

Not only was she malnourished and almost starving to death, but her organs were saturated with drugs and close to shutting down. She'd lost a lot of weight - she was not slender, no, but still thin enough to make her feel sick, as her skin was loose in places, and some of her bones showed through thin, greyish skin.

The worst was the fact that she'd never even realised it, but her eyes had been ringed with grey when Sans had finally found her.

He'd literally found her _hours_ before she would have _died_ , alone and hating herself,  _forever_. 

She'd been brought here for the reasons she'd assumed, but she was shocked to learn that it had been _four days_ since then.

She'd been dangerously close to a fatal coma, and had to be put in a medical one to save what was left of her mistreated body.

And she had to stay for _another_ week, Sans informed her, because she was still very sick.

Alphys absorbed the news with no emotion, her eyes focused on the ceiling as she listened to him.

He still held her hand tightly and restrained, but he didn't hold it down; he just held it, between his, as he spoke.

She was grateful. He didn't know why that was important - and she'd never tell him - but helped keep her calm.

 _Mostly_.

When he finished, there was a pause, before she asked, “Why?”

Sans said nothing. Instead, he lowered his head and shut his eyes, and pressed her hand to his forehead.

She didn't understand it, and didn't think it was a good answer, so she asked him, _why_ , again, trying to pull her hand free.

Then, finally, he whispered, “We _need_ you, Alphys.”

She snorted, looking away, again, her eyes filling with fresh tears. _“No one_ needs me, you bastard,” she snapped. “Anyone who ever cared about me or even _saw me_ is now _dead_.”

“I'm not.”

 _“So?”_ she answered, her voice sharp. "When have you _ever_ cared about me?! When have you even _seen_ me, Sans?!"

He flinched, but said nothing.

She closed her eyes. “I want to _die_ , Sans.” Her voice was flat and cold.

“Too bad,” was his answer.

And she cried harder, then.

She hated him for that.

But she hated herself most of all.


	14. Internal Medicine

After that, Alphys stopped talking.

The moment she'd said her one desire to Sans, and he refused her, she went silent.

She cried herself out, her back to Sans, before she drifted off from it, exhausted.

He didn't try to talk to her as she cried, nor did he touch her.

As far as she knew, all he did was just sit there and _watch_ , like some kind of sadist.

But, she did _sort of_ know sans, and knew he wasn't like that.

 _Maybe_.

People changed, and while they'd been amicable over the years, when she'd become Royal Scientist, he'd stopped talking to her.

She'd asked him, over text and email, why, but he never answered them.

Even when she sometimes helped his brother with puzzles, he either left, or pretended she wasn't there.

She'd thought, at _least_ , that they were good acquaintances...

She'd assumed it was because he hated her, now that she was the Royal Scientist. And had done so despite the loss of her mother, then W. D. Gaster, her predecessor – and a relative of sans and Papyrus.

She'd never found out which kind, but he'd often spoke of her mother and Gaster as “our stupid parents”, so perhaps he was their father, either by blood (bone?), or adoption.

When she dropped off, she barely remembered doing so.

But she dreamt.

And it was torture, one that cost her, her voice.

* * *

_It was confetti cake, with cream cheese icing and yellow and blue Smarties spelling out her name and Undyne's, followed in green Smarties by “Congratulations!”_

_She smashed her piece into Undyne's face, shrieking with happiness – then shrieking with fake dismay as she felt her own face plastered with cake._

_She licked her lips clean, then moved close to Undyne and licked hers clean, too._

_Undyne grabbed her and kissed her back, and as usual, they forgot everyone and everything else, save kissing each other breathless._

_That is, until icing went up Alphys's nose, and she sneezed it out – and onto Asgore's shoulder._

_Undyne started laughing so hard she slumped into her chair and cried, too, and Alphys hid behind her chair, her face burning, after squeaking out an apology to Asgore (who was also laughing to tears)._

_When she felt Undyne pull her from the floor and onto her lap, Alphys relaxed and cuddled against her, while also keeping her face averted so she wouldn't ruin Undyne's dress._

_Then, Undyne grabbed a cloth napkin, took hold of Alphys's chin, and began to clean her face, her gestures and touches so gentle and soothing that Alphys was stunned, staring up at her with a burning face and a racing heart._

_The whole time, Undyne gazed at her lovingly, despite her own cake make-up, and Alphys felt her eyes fill with tears._

_“Called it,” Frisk suddenly said, pointing at Alphys and getting everyone’s attention. “Alphys is crying because Undyne loves her. I said barely an hour into the reception. Pay up, you dorks!”_

_Everyone – except Undyne and Alphys – at the head table leaned over and handed Frisk blue bills of human money, and by the end, their palm was full, and they were beaming._

_Then, surprising everyone, Frisk got up and held the money out to Undyne and Alphys._

_“Duh,” Frisk said as an explanation, before either bride could ask._

_Undyne took the stack of cash, stuffed it into her purse, then grabbed the human – and rubbed her cheek against theirs._

_Frisk complained loudly, and Alphys grinned – and cried harder._

_She was so happy._

* * *

Alphys woke up to the feel of someone trying to roll her over.

She jolted, terror waking her up in seconds, and she cried out, scratching at whoever was touching her, her eyesight dim and blurry – and the room was dark.

“ow,” she heard, and the hands pulled away.

She snarled, recognising the voice, and tried to push sans away – but stumbled and landed on her back, gasping for breath.

“moron,” sans added, but his voice was soft. “the nurse needs you on your back, doc.”

She opened her eyes again, blinking hard but keep her hands up at her chest, before she finally made out sans – and a nurse, standing beside him, holding up a syringe and two glass jars, one big and one small.

She bared her teeth, shaking her head, but she refused to speak, trembling.

She didn't know why she chose to be mute – yet – but remained so, oddly comforted by her own silence.

She then sighed and looked away, but held out her left arm, and she felt the nurse take hold of it, before she heard the sounds of the jars being exchanged, then restarted.

It took a moment, but she then felt it: low, warm and distant euphoria.

Morphine.

They were drugging her.

She winced, swallowing hard, trying to swallow back the bitter taste of it, but it remained.

It was soothing and familiar, similar to the drugs she'd sedated herself with, but stronger, and more potent.

She curled up a little, strangely calm, now, and closed her eyes, her hands going back up to her chest. She turned onto her side – her right side, now, facing away from the wall, and curled into a ball, wrapping her tail protectively around herself.

“You were right,” she heard someone say – the nurse, probably.

“yeah,” sans muttered. “she's addicted. she was probably withdrawing when she woke up.”

Distantly, Alphys agreed with him, her mind swimming on a tide of warmth.

It had been like this at the start of her addiction, and thus easy to remember why she'd become addicted, at all.

Then, she felt sans touch her cheek, and she stirred awake, reaching out and pushing it weakly away, her eyes opening and glaring at sans with fury.

She bared her teeth at him, starting to get even angrier with him.

 _Why does he keep touching me like that?_ she thought furiously, watching as sans lowered his hand and looked away, his hood dropping down over his face.

_It's not his touch I want._

She remembered how it had felt, in that dream, when Undyne had cleaned her face of cake and smiled at her, her touch soft and kind and tender, _so tender_...

She closed her eyes, covering her face with her hands, and she curled into a tighter ball, starting to weep.

“Doctor, can you tell me if you're in pain?” the nurse asked.

She shook her head; no, she couldn't, because she was sick of talking.

“You're not in pain?”

She growled, her claws digging into her scalp.

 _Go away,_ she thought. _Just go away. I'm always in pain. I'm always hurting._

_Everywhere._

_And_ death _would've cured me of that, not_ drugs _..._

Her eyes opened at that thought, and quickly, right as the nurse tried to ask another question, Alphys sat up and grabbed for the IV, pulling it to her.

She opened the IV up wider, increasing the drip to maximum—

\--then _froze_ , pain lancing into her from deep with her breast.

But at the same time, the increase of the medicine hit her blood, and she grinned, closed her eyes, and let its soothing blanket enfold her.

She felt sans release his hold on her soul, and she dropped back down to the bed, but she didn't feel it.

She slipped under, craving her death, and wishing for Undyne's gentle hands upon her face...

Then, nothing.

Not even pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canadian Smarties. Not American. LOOK IT UP BEFORE YELLING AT ME THAT SMARTIES AREN'T LIKE THAT.


	15. Too Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *posts this and fucking hides under the bed for the rest of the night*

When she woke up, she felt exhausted and heavily sedated, so weighted down and weak that she could barely open her eyes, let alone move.

 _I'm alive_ , she thought with dismay. _Still_.

She struggled to move, wondering if she was not awake, but experiencing sleep-paralysis.

It _felt_ that way, distant and frightening, unable to move or even cry out...

“doc?”

She couldn't even tell if _that_ was real. She opened her mouth, not to speak but to growl, but nothing came out.

Her hands twitched, and she realised she was still on her side.

She felt... _horrible_.

Hot and cold, weak and nauseated.

_Am I withdrawing, again?_

She tried to drift back asleep, desperate to, but she felt sans take her right hand, and she hissed out, her fingers twitching but unable to pull free.

“alphys, i know you loathe me, right now. i know you want either me dead, or you dead, but it's not gonna happen. we still need you. don't pull that bullshit again.”

She snarled, finally, the sound broken and squeaky, but at least she managed it.

“whatever,” was his response, both hands holding hers, now, dooming it to remain in place. “you moron, do you even know what you did to yourself with that stunt?”

 _Not what I wanted,_ she thought miserably.

“you put yourself into _another fucking coma_ ,” sans snarled. “for two whole days.”

Her eyes opened, surprised by that. She hadn't expected that.

She looked up, and found him glaring at her.

Maybe it was the dim lighting, but it looked less angry and more... _offended?_

_Hurt?_

_Scared. He looks scared._

_He looks..._ terrified _._

_Like he did the day the killings started, the day their world ended._

_What the fuck_ is _your problem, you_ _bastard?_ she wondered silently.

Instead of asking, she sank her claws into one of his bony palms. It wasn't like flesh, and didn't get injured the same way, but he winced, and when she moved her claws to do the same to his other palm, she briefly felt slight puncture wounds within the bone.

 _Good_ , she thought. _Fuck you for abandoning me, when I succeeded, and did what you were too cowardly to do._

_At least I had the guts to become what killed our parents._

_At least I cared enough to search for answers._

But again, she said nothing, though she did cry.

“you can hole-punch me all you fucking want,” he suddenly growled. “but it changes _nothing_. alphys, you _know_ you are a leader, deep down, deeper than anything else – even your crimes.”

She sobbed, her other hand lashing out and striking his arm weakly, but he didn't let go, let alone leave, like she wanted.

 _Stop torturing me!_ she begged silently, closing her eyes and sobbing, again.

_Stop telling me to do what we both know I can never do!_

_Stop pretending I’m anything but a spineless coward who belongs at the bottom of the abyss...!_

“alphys,” sans murmured, his voice suddenly gentle.

She shook her head, gritting her teeth. She wasn't interested in what he had to say.

“alphys,” he repeated, “did you even wonder _why_ i was so angry with you?”

She snorted between sobs, shaking her head. She was lying, and she didn't care.

“because, alphys: i was terrified you would share their fate, and die, for _nothing_ , for absolutely _nothing_...”

Then, something happened that shocked her, almost made her faint from complete bewilderment.

He pulled her hand to his chest, tucked it under the collar of his shirt, and pressed it against the left side of his ribcage.

Her eyes snapped open, meeting his, and he didn't break her gaze – even when she felt his soul touch her palm.

She struggled to pull away. She pulled as hard as she could, sobbing, again.

She didn't want to see.

She didn't want to know.

But it touched her palm, snagged onto her own magic, and enveloped her mind.

And with it came a rush of emotions.

 _Agony_ ; Papyrus's death, one he could’ve easily stopped, had he bothered to try, stupidly thinking that, if the Old Lady was so adamant that the human needed protection, they were harmless...

 _Guilt_ ; he'd done _nothing_ , watched as the demon murdered more of his friends, even as their clothes were still caked in the dust of his brother...

 _Horror_ ; when he saw Undyne struggle with the human, he knew he had no hopes against it, knew he would easily die, and he had to stand there and watch the demon murder Undyne, his brother's best friend, his _own_ friend, _the_ _one bright light left in this festering hell..._

 _Blind terror_ ; he couldn't find Alphys, had learnt that Mettaton had been killed, and Alphys was nowhere to be found, and he searched everywhere, _everywhere_ , even going to the abyss and reaching out for a sense of her magic...

 _Minute hope_ ; people _had_ seen Alphys, rarely, as the days dragged on, and they all struggled to find a sense of order, despite having no beacon to guide them in this chaos, and wondering if Alphys was that beacon, if only he could _find_ her...

 _Desperation_ ; he'd asked _everyone_ who'd seen her, more than once, had been told she'd been so strong and fierce and brave when leading them to safety, but once they'd all realised it was over, she'd vanished, emerging rarely to go to the pharmacy and buy enough meds to drug herself to death, a death he was trying to _prevent_...

 _Relief_ ; he'd found her, hiding in the Palace, and she was alive and safe, hopefully...

 _Disappointed dismay_ ; Alphys was addicted, starving to death, scratching her arms raw, and yearning for death she was hours from receiving…

Then, the one that made Alphys want to die.

 _Determined affection;_ she was broken, bloodied, and beaten, but he would help her back to her feet, show her she wasn't alone, and bring her back to the people who yearned for her to lead them...

Alphys sobbed, shaking her head and lashing out with her free hand, hitting his face, but he merely took it and didn't let go, his eyes blue, the same colour as his soul.

He hadn't wanted her to take the job, because he didn't want to _lose her._

He'd been unable to face her, to pretend he was okay, when he was _terrified_ every day that he would learn she'd been killed.

Because when they'd suddenly found themselves orphaned, and _Alphys_ had tried to take care of _him_ during his own shut down, despite her own agony, her own tears, her own desire to shut down and die...

…he'd _seen_ her.

For the first time, he'd truly begun to _see_ her, for _who_ she was, for _what_ she was.

And when he did get back to his feet, with her help as well as his brother's, and she'd been able to leave him alone, to tend to her own wounds...

…he _still_ saw her.

Because of one thing alone, one secret that he'd thought he'd take to dust.

One thing that made her want to kill him – and want to kill herself.

_He loved her._


	16. Stand Up

_No_ , she thought, shaking her head, her eyes glued to his.

_No, this is a sick joke._

_This a sick, cruel joke._

_I was wrong, he is a sadist, he's evil, he's sick, he's—_

_\--not lying, because the soul doesn't lie._

_It_ can't _._

And suddenly, she found her voice.

 _“Fuck you!!”_ She screamed it, digging her claws into his ribcage, avoiding his soul – but barely.

He grimaced, grabbing her wrist and quickly breaking contact, and they both gasped, reeling from the sudden parting of shared magic, then broke away from each other.

Alphys moved backwards, as far away as possible, and her back hit the wall before she knew it, bringing a surprised squeak from her.

sans leaned back in his chair, holding his hands over his chest, his head lowered and his eyes closed, shaking.

“bitch,” he muttered weakly. “that hurt.”

“Asshole!” she snarled. “You _deserve_ it!”

Then, sans said something truly unforgivable.

“is that how you'd've reacted with the captain? no wonder she never told you.”

Alphys felt her heart shatter, her eyes widening and filling with shocked, soul-crushing tears.

Because with that, he'd just told her that Undyne had been in love with her, just as she'd been in love with Undyne.

And Undyne had died, loving her, and never knowing she was loved back – and dearly.

“wait,” sans suddenly croaked out, his voice low and faint, choked up. He shrank down, his eyes dim, especially when he saw her face. “i... didn't mean that, it's not... i was _trying_ to say--,”

 _“Get out,”_ she whispered, her hands at her chest, her claws digging into her skin, until she felt it break. “Get the _fuck_ out, you _bastard_.”

“alphys, no, i _have_ to stay, you can't be alone right now--!”

“I hate you,” she hissed out, relishing it when he winced – even if it was a lie. “I _hate_ you. I _never_ want to see you again.”

“alphys, please...” He leaned forward, holding his hands out but not touching her. “please, alphys….”

Alphys turned away from him, her back to him, before she curled up as small as possible and shut her eyes, her claws digging into her chest so hard that she felt blood tickle down her breasts, but didn't even care.

She'd rip her own heart out if she could.

She'd rip it out and tear it to pieces and laugh, just _laugh_ , until she finally just _died_...

She burst into tears.

_Undyne had loved me._

_She'd loved me._

_I waited too long, and... and..._

_“Kill me...”_ she mewled out, her voice pathetic and shameful, but at least honest. “Kill me, sans... I want to be with her... _please, kill me_...”

“Alphys, _please_ , shut up,” he answered, his true voice soft but still slightly menacing, like always.

But when he said her name, it wavered.

She never even knew that was possible.

 _“Why_ , Sans...?” she cried, her voice even more pathetic, now. “Why would you tell me... _any_ of that?! Do... d-do you _want_ me to kill myself?!”

“ _No_!” he answered quickly.

She heard him move, but again, thankfully, he didn't touch her.

“Alphys, listen. I told you, because... you... you don't even _know_ , Alphys...”

“Then fucking _tell_ me and _let me die!”_ she shouted.

“You're _needed_ , Alphys!” Sans answered. “You're _needed_ , and _wanted_ , and people _do_ care about you, they _do_ love you! We.. _. I_ … I just... _I want you to live_...”

His voice had lowered, and by the end, was so soft that she listened hard, trying to quiet her sobs in order to do so.

Suddenly, she wanted to hear.

She wanted to know.

She wanted to understand.

She wanted to _believe him_...

“We're the only ones left, Alphys, and I’m barely anyone,” he murmured. “And everyone knows it, and keep asking about _you_. _For_ you. For you to _help_ them.”

“I'm disgusting,” she answered, her own voice small, now. “You know what I did.”

“Everyone does, now, Alphys--,”

Her blood chilled, and she curled up tighter.

“—but they don't _care_ , Alphys. So many of them had lost their loved ones, only to suddenly discover other survivors, ones that connected families together, and helped each other _survive_.”

Alphys listened, her heart racing, the blood on her hands sticky.

“Your fuck-up is a saving grace to people who were ready to die, by giving them a reason to live.”

She shivered. Somehow, she knew what he would say next, and was right.

“And _I_ want to give _you_ a reason to live, too, Alphys... Even if that reason is so that you can keep hating me, I don't fucking care, if it means _you_ _live_.”

She sobbed, softly, wishing she could call him a liar.

But his words were starting to sink in, like ink into a thirsty sheet of paper, and she felt them stain her soul just as permanently.

“Yes, Alphys. Undyne loved you. But she never told you, because she always worried _this_ would happen. And she didn't want to break your heart even more...”

“But it _is_ broken,” she sobbed weakly. “It's _dust_.”

She was exhausted, in pain, feeling a desperate craving for her drug, but oddly, was now starting to want to fix that.

“Even dust can reform, Alphys. If given enough patience, love, and care. _You_ know that more than anyone else in the world, because already, you're a master at it.”

Alphys wept softly, unable to speak, now.

She trembled, but slowly, she pulled her claws free of her chest, and instead clenched them together, to keep them still – and away from her skin.

“And I’ll help you, Alphys.”

He kept using her name, instead of her title, like usual.

Every time she heard him say it, she felt herself waking up, a tiny bit.

“I'll do _anything_ you need. But we need a _leader_ , Alphys.”

Then, he said the words that changed _everything_.

“We need _our Queen_ , Alphys.”

She lowered her head, her forehead pressed to her knees, and cried, shivering.

But slowly, she nodded.

And after a moment, she carefully reached out, and slipped her tail from under the covers, and out toward where she thought Sans was.

Immediately, it closed around his wrist, his other hand holding it in place.

“Okay,” she whispered, and felt Sans hold her tail tighter. “Okay, Sans. But... I n-need... I-I n-need... h-help...”

“you have it,” he replied, his voice his usual one, now. “just tell me what you need, doc.”

“I don't know, yet,” she admitted. “But I promise... Wh-when I do... you'll be the first to kn-know...”

“thank you...” he whispered.

She nodded, breaking down again, and he went quiet.

He didn't let go of her tail; she felt him still holding it as she cried herself to sleep.

She didn't know how she felt about it, or him, and luckily, sleep gave her a reprieve from trying.

_For now._


	17. Too Late

It took a long time, longer than anyone would've liked.

Thanks to Alphys's idiocy with the morphine, she not only had increased her stay in the infirmary, but also made the staff wary of giving her any more.

And at the start, she agreed with them, and refused it – for the first day. She was scared of herself, her own behaviour, and while part of her did indeed scream at her for death, she smothered it back, instead using the time to rest or sleep (shallow sleep, but better than nothing).

When he could, sans left to tell "the others", though who, Alphys had no clue, and honestly didn't care, right now.

As far as she knew, and felt, everyone still did and would always hate her.

But now, she didn't want to abandon them, regardless.

Especially with what she learnt, later, the next day.

The first true day of recovery was rough, but by the end, Alphys was very sick; she was withdrawing, badly, and had started to convulse and black out, shaking with cold sweats and trembling from oxygen-starved muscles.

But when they tried, she gasped out a refusal, and strangely, they obeyed her.

She let herself suffer.

She'd done this to herself, out of selfishness and pain. It was up to her to grit her teeth and face it, get through it, and then start again.

But when she started vomiting up bile – and soon blood, and not just from her damaged throat – her doctor stepped in - with sans's urging, she found out later - and asked her why she was refusing morphine.

“Addicted,” she wheezed out between retches, her body empty by still convulsing. “N-need... m-move p-past...”

“you deserve to have your doctorate revoked,” sans snapped.

Her eyes moved up to his; he looked blurry and dim, and she wondered why the lights were so low.

“M'fine,” was her eloquent reply.

The doctor took her vitals – and frowned, his eyes on her pulse and blood-pressure. “Doctor, I… I respect what you're saying. And I agree, you've been taking too much. But... you're dependent, and if you don't have any, soon, you'll go into shock.”

She rolled her eyes, then closed them. “Bullshit.”

Silence met her words, until she heard sans say, “do it, alphys. take the doses. they'll wean you off. but do it.”

“Why,” she mumbled, feeling less dizzy with her eyes closed.

The doctor than told her the results of her vitals, and she opened her eyes, feeling the blood drain from her face.

She was in trouble.

Over two weeks of constant drug abuse, lack of food or proper drink (she'd only had sips of water with her pills, and maybe when she remembered, which had been rare), she was in a critical physical state.

_No, you fool._

_I'm dying._

_I'm dying, and I’m not_ listening.

 _I'm dying, I don't_ care – _but it's not_ about _me, anymore, is it...?_

_“We need our Queen, Alphys.”_

Sans had said it. She didn't believe it, truly. But he had. And right now, he was her only access to the rest of the survivors.

So she had to trust him.

“Okay,” she finally said, her eyes willing with shamed tears. “I-I'm sorry... I w-wish I was... stronger...”

As the doctor wrote it up, then left to get it prepared, Alphys reached a few more times, shaking horribly and crying.

It _hurt, everything_ hurt, and it would be easier for her to just _die_.

But, if sans was to be believed, she _couldn't_ die.

Not now.

She was selfish, cowardly, and weak.

But she hated hurting people, the most...

sans helped her through each fit as they waited, and she felt close to passing out when a nurse – her usual nurse – came back and set up the morphine at once.

The moment Alphys felt it, she sagged, as if all of her muscles had been liquefied. She moaned softly, her eyes fluttering closed, as her brain was coated and her body was fooled, and she felt so much better.

“Good?” the nurse asked, taking her vitals, again.

Alphys nodded weakly, her eyes closed and her mind hazy, and the nurse went quiet.

Then, when the vitals were done, she felt her arm placed back over her stomach, and heard the nurse say, “She's sleeping, now. You should take the time to rest, go home, get some food and sleep.”

Alphys wasn't sleeping; she could hear everything, and was about to try and say so, but something kept her quiet – and feigning sleep.

“is it safe to leave?” sans asked softly, sounding sceptical.

“As safe as possible. We're doing the best we can, but she _was_ dying."

Then, a long, hesitant pause, before the nurse added, their voice soft and sad, "She _is_ dying, still.”

Alphys felt a chill.

“no, wait, but, okay, but, you said, with time, _with time,_ she'll bounce back, get back on her feet, because we need her.”

“Yes,” the nurse agreed. “With time, she'll get _better_ , especially now that she _wants_ to.”

Another pause, one that made Alphys hold her breath.

“But...”

And here, Alphys knew.

She knew, like she knew her own name, and the irony slapped her with spikes embedded upon her cheek with its thorny palm.

“She's going to be sick for the rest of her life, now. Internally, she will never heal from the damage her starvation, drug abuse, and physical abuse she inflicted upon herself.”

“it _can't_ be _that_ bad.”

“It’s like she was _tortured_ , Mr sans, and left to die.” The words were blunt and sharp, now. “She was tortured, given no means to recover, and it never stopped until she was _hours_ from death – when you found her.”

sans was silent at that.

“She'll be able to do her job, Mr sans,” the nurse went on. “What we need. But... but..."

Then, Alphys heard it: the sound of a bony fist smashing into a wall.

“And you'll be paying for that,” the nurse snapped.

“Who cares,” Sans, with his true voice, snarled. “Who _fucking_ cares, now? You're basically telling me that, no matter what, no matter what happens, she's going to die too soon, anyway.”

Silence.

“Right?!” Sans pressed, followed by another fist meeting something solid. “How long do we even _get_ with her?!”

The nurse hesitated. “Maybe the doctor should tell you--?”

Alphys felt it, then: Sans was pulling in his magic, and it was so thick that it was impossible to ignore.

“Not as long as we deserve...  Six months, maybe a year,” the nurse whispered weakly.

Alphys felt her world darken further.

_Of course._

_I spent weeks trying to kill myself, only to survive it all._

_And now, when I want to live, I’m going to die, anyway._

_What's the fucking point...?_

“Then what's the fucking point?!” Sans demanded, and the fact that it was her own thought made her want to laugh, but bitterly.

“The _point_ is that she'll live for six more months after her recovery,” the nurse whispered, and Alphys realised their voice was thick with emotion, now. “Six months she'll _gift_ us with, Mr sans. Six months, at the very _least_ , that we can look up to her and be blessed with her wisdom and intelligence.”

_Wisdom and intelligence?_

Alphys echoed that mentally, her mind slowly clouding over as the drug began to take full effect at last. She'd been enjoying her drugged stupor, but yearned for sleep, more, now.

_Neither of those exist within me, made clear by the fact that, either way, I’ve killed myself._

_I've killed myself, before I could even begin to restart my life, and try to be what Undyne always knew I was..._

As her mind darkened, and she felt sleepy bliss thicken her blood, she heard Sans, before she dropped off completely.

“She's all I have left. If _she_ dies _, I_ die. I _can't_ live without her…” A pause. _“I love her...”_

 _No_ , she thought dopily. _Hate me._

_It's easier. It's better._

_It's what I deserve..._

Sleep took over, then.

And with it, dreams.


	18. Identify Yourself

The dreams were strange, eerily real and haunting, but only one stood out most, and it was the only one Alphys remembered.

_She shuddered, the blanket warm but the bathtub cold, and she hunched over into it, drawing the curtain closed and stupidly hoping it meant Undyne would go away._

_She grabbed the closest sharp object - Undyne's shaving razor – and used it, sobbing but doing it quickly, because already, she could hear Undyne following her._

_Undyne, who'd just made love with her._

_Who'd seen her_ truly _naked and embraced her happily._

_Who'd looked at her nakedness and stared, looking as if she'd been given the only gift she'd ever asked for – and finding herself surprised that it was better than her happiest dreams..._

_Who'd made Alphys feel pleasure, beyond her loneliest and darkest moments in the past, a pleasure that made her weep, made her laugh, made her sing..._

_Who'd felt pleasure of her own, given to her by Alphys, who'd been eager and desperate to prove the depths of her love by the amount of that pleasure..._

_Undyne opened the door, and walked in, and Alphys cowered, pushing as far back against the wall as possible, the faucet digging into her back._

_When the curtain opened, Alphys looked up, just as Undyne took her in and understood – and waited for Undyne to dump her, to yell at her, to kick her out and never want to see her, again._

_Instead, Undyne leaned to the side and picked up a facecloth, dampened it, then crawled into the bathtub with Alphys, naked, still, but clearly uncaring, as she crossed her legs and held out her hands._

_“C'mon,” she coaxed softly. Alphys started to unwrap the blanket to give back to her, misunderstanding as usual, so Undyne stopped her, took hold of her hands, and held them for a moment._

_Then, she took the razor away, placed Alphys's wrist upon her knee, and began to clean it with the facecloth, ruining it at once but looking relieved. She dabbed it along the frantic cuts, cleaned around them, then wrapped the cloth around her wrist and held it between her hands, lowering her head._

_Alphys had watched it all in silence, trembling with fear and pain, unable to speak, let alone move._

_Then, Undyne brought Alphys's hand to her lips, and kissed it._

_Alphys felt her face crumple, and she sobbed, her hand jerking – but to clutch onto Undyne's tight._

_“Tell me,” Undyne whispered, her eye moving between Alphys's, full of warmth and tenderness._

_Alphys pulled her hand away, but onto to lunge for Undyne, hugging onto her tight, before pulling away, wrapping them both with blanket, and pulling Undyne back to her, making Undyne not only chuckle softly, but hold Alphys close to her, skin-to-skin._

_Alphys told her everything._

_How she knew she wasn't worthy of this beautiful world._

_How she was too lucky for her own good._

_How she deserved the worst and couldn't accept the best..._

_Undyne listened, only speaking to encourage Alphys on, or to soothe and correct her with a caress and a kiss._

_She held Alphys close, snuggled under a blanket in the tub of her bathroom, and she looked as if she were cuddled with Alphys in an opulent bed of roses._

_And when Alphys ran out of words, gasping between sobs and keeping her face hidden in Undyne's tear- and snot-soaked shoulder, Undyne pulled her even closer, rocked her slowly, and said, even as her own voice wavered with tears:_

_“We'll get through this, together, Alphy. There's nowhere else I wanna be. There's no one else I wanna be with. This is_ exactly _what we deserve, Alphy: this joy, this happiness.”_

_Alphys snorted. “I'm crying in a bathtub after losing my virginity to the woman I love most in the world.”_

_“Yeah...” Undyne agreed, her grin crooked, even as tears ran down her cheeks. “Isn't that fucking_ rad _?”_

_Alphys laughed suddenly, the sincerity on Undyne's face, the smile despite the tears, making her unable to help it._

_And Undyne laughed with her, the sound like music and sunshine, like fresh water over the smoothest stones…_

And Alphys awoke to the feel of a needle jabbing her arm with a blood-thinner, her arms empty – and her eyes full.

* * *

Despite knowing what she knew, and despite a great part of her adamant to give up, Alphys did not.

She obeyed every instruction, listened to every word of advice.

She did everything they needed her to do in order to recover.

In order to maximise that life-sentence to as long as possible, she'd now do anything.

Because now, on the third day after she learnt she was dying, she'd been given access to the Internet, and her phone.

And when she'd charged it and started it up, had her staring at it, her hand going over her mouth shakily as the other held her phone tight.

Emails. _Hundreds_ of them. Her inbox was so full that it slowed loading times.

At first, she was scared of them, because she remembered that everyone knew her crimes, and nothing was secret, anymore.

Her depravity was public, and she expected the hate it earned.

But... out of the dozens she'd opened, with sans at her side and helping her sift through it all...

…she'd only found perhaps five angry messages.

Two told her she was a coward, but because she was hiding when she knew she was needed, not because of her crimes.

A third was a capslocked swear-fest of how nobody wanted her as Queen.

And the last two were about the Amalgamates, and how she should be ashamed of herself, or submit to the same fate.

It made sans angry, and he threatened to find out the senders and beat them up, but Alphys merely deleted them and shook her head, patting his hand gently.

Because when she opened the others, she burst into tears, growing more and more weepy with each one.

sans misunderstood at first, and tried to take the phone away, looking furious that someone had made her cry.

But she shook her head, held her phone out, and showed him one.

 _“Dear Queen Alphys,_  
_I know you're in pain. I, too, lost family. And I looked up to Captain Undyne very much; she was like my hero, and she died my hero, still. I know you loved her, more than I did, more than anyone, and I know it hurts you that she's gone._  
_But we need you, Your Majesty. I mean, I know you're not Queen, yet. But we want you to be. We all want you to be. We know our Royal Scientist, our watcher from Hotland, our living security system, and we know we'd be dead if you hadn't helped us._  
_Please come back. Please? I dunno if you'll read this. But, if it helps, the Captain... her last words were about you..._  
_Please come back!_  
_Sincerely,_  
_A kid.”_

It was actually signed that way, and it would have amused Alphys, had not the words about Undyne hurt her.

The thing was, she knew Undyne's last words. She knew she'd been mentioned, alongside Papyrus and Asgore, the two people who meant the most to Undyne in the world.

A list Alphys had been on, a list of three, when she'd always known it had been and would always be two.

 _I'd meant the world to her, too,_ she realised, dropping her phone into her lap and covering her face, sobbing, now, with fresh grief.

_She loved me._

_She loved me so much._

_I was so fucking stupid and blind, because I refused to ever expect that Undyne would even love me as a friend, let alone the way I love her..._

She remembered that dream she'd had, one like a sweet, soft memory, and not a lonely fabrication from a dying mind...

_“I need you to be who you really are.”_

Alphys was finally starting to understand.

She was ready.

And in that precise moment, she finally became a Queen, and her regime began, at last. 


	19. Beginning

From the day that sans had found her, to the day she was discharged from the infirmary, it had been a total of four weeks.

Just before she'd been discharged, during one of the rare moments that sans left her alone, Alphys demanded the full truth from her doctor about how long she had to live.

After skirting the issue infuriatingly for weeks, he'd been very blunt: “Eight months, maybe a year, if you take the meds we give you exactly the way we tell you to.”

She'd nodded. They'd added two more months. _Good_. “Fine. Prescribe it, write down instructions, all of it, whatever it takes to keep me alive for as long as possible.”

And he'd given her a look, one of deep sadness, and she’d looked away, sighing.

“I know,” she'd muttered. “The irony, it's merciless.”

But he'd been kind. “At least you've changed your mind. And believe me: we're grateful.”

She'd smiled weakly, mostly for his benefit – and then for sans's, when he'd walked back in with a wheelchair, her bag already slung across his chest.

Now, as sans wheeled her down the long hallway of the infirmary's exit, she was quiet, her eyes wide and her body sore, nervous.

She knew no one would be outside, as the infirmary was still considered part of the Palace, and one of the first things she'd asked of the public when she could was for privacy until she was ready to speak. No one even knew she was being released, today, except the staff, and sans.

When the doors opened, and they stepped into what was as close to fresh air as the Underground could get, Alphys suddenly closed her eyes.

It smelt... familiar.

Not soothing, but familiar, like a memory.

As if it had been years since she'd smelt that smell, and not weeks.

She shivered.

“you okay?” sans wondered, giving her time.

After a moment, she opened her eyes and nodded, leaning back into the chair. “Let's go.”

And so, they went.

* * *

It was sans who'd suggested it – but then changed his mind.

The Lab, she'd learnt, was destroyed, both by panicked monsters trying to survive, those monsters returning for their Amalgamated family members, and just general asshole thieves.

sans, before he'd found Alphys, had found out and tried to save as much as he could – and managed to save her most valued things, items that would be her creature comforts for months to come.

“they're in the palace already, but in boxes in another room,” he explained. “it was kind of funny, you running here, now that you're gonna be queen.”

Alphys snorted, watching everything blur around her, with both fatigue and disinterest.

She only started caring once they were in the Palace, and she raised her head once the doors closed behind them, the sound loud and haunting.

It was quiet, every sound echoing. No one was there, and the air held an invisible cloud of dust and mildew, one that made Alphys sneeze several times.

“should we just crash in the same wing you were in before?” sans wondered.

She'd been about to say yes, but then he suddenly cut her off.

“uh, actually, no. _shit_. no, alphys.”

She peered up at him. “Why not? It makes sense, for now. And... I’m not ready to visit... Asgore's wing. N-not y-yet...”

“okay, but _that_ room. it's not... clean. there's no staff. it'll be how we left it.”

Alphys started to protest, before closing her mouth and lowering her head, her eyes shutting as her body filled with shame.

_Right._

_It's still a nest of addiction, of begging for death,_ she realised, her heart racing with fear, the very idea of going in there, again, scaring her.

_I can't go back there. I'll relapse._

_And if I relapse, I’ll die too soon._

_I can't die._

_Not yet._

“R-right,” she stammered, her voice thick with shame. “O-okay. We... w-we need...”

 _A lot of things,_ she thought glumly, her hands tangling together.

_Everything._

_Staff._

_Food._

_Medicines._

_Proper clothes._

_A crown._

_A throne._

_Too much,_ she thought, dismayed. _Too much for the little time I have left._

_And I don't even have a bed to sleep on, let alone a throne to sit on!_

“sans,” she whispered, shaking.

He touched her shoulder, and she let him, vulnerable and starved. “I’m scared. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to even start.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “Undyne was wrong...” she realised, covering her face with her still too-thin hands. “I can't do this. I can't be anything but _garbage_!”

She felt sans dig his fingers into her shoulder, only this time, he didn't even sting her; it was just pressure – supportive pressure, she realised.

“you _can_ do this, doc,” sans corrected her. “you won't be alone. i'll help however you need, even if it means simply going away and fucking myself.”

She surprised them both, and barked out a surprised laugh at that, the sound – and feel – of it strangely rewarding.

“but you don't need my help, not really. you've faced your demons, and while you got pretty fucked up, you fucked _them_ up way more. being a queen?” He snorted. “compared to what you've survived, it's a fart in the wind.”

She smiled, closing her eyes and leaning back, again, and she felt him place his other hand on her other shoulder.

She reached up and held it in place, and she felt him freeze.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “You've been a wonderful, loving, and dear friend, ready with a slap or a hug, whatever I needed, and I can never repay you, sans.”

He was silent for a moment, and she gave him time.

He started to say something else, in a tiny voice, “there's _one_ thing...”

But he silenced himself, surprising her, before he said, “the only payment i want or need is you alive, and you fighting, and being who we all know you are.”

And with that, Alphys was _forever_ grateful to him, and she held his hand tighter, smiling wider, even as she felt tears fill her eyes.

Because she knew what he _wasn't_ saying, and he wasn't saying it because he already knew her answer.

And he still didn't want her to leave his life, despite that answer.

“You'll help me, sans?” she asked softly, resting her cheek against his arm, letting the worn-out cotton of his hoodie comfort her; it was soft. “Pl-please? Until I'm--?”

“yes,” he said, but sharply, snapping it out, before she could even try to conclude that sentence.

They both already knew what she had been about to say. And sans didn't want to hear it – despite knowing it.

“Okay,” Alphys said, opening her eyes slowly, and sitting up. “Then let's start.”

She paused. “With the _other_ wing.”

sans squeezed her shoulders, then took hold of the handles of the wheelchair and turned her around, helping her toward her new destination.

In more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking trust me, argh.


	20. Ending

In the end, all told, Alphys was proud of what she'd managed to accomplish.

When she'd recovered enough, and had settled on a routine, with sans's help, she got the Palace fully-staffed, again, with people she'd barely recognised prior only in passing, but grew to know – and trust – in no time.

And with that staff, she was able to start actually working, especially when her den of humiliation had been cleaned out and completely remodelled. She still stayed away from it, but was glad it was being used.

She never moved into Asgore's private wing of the Palace, nor did she ever visit it. It hurt her too much, and she'd tried, several times, only to fail.

 _Some things_ , she realised, _you can't let go._

And losing Asgore was one of several things she could not.

Undyne was another.

Even as she worked, even as she began to feel accomplished, Undyne was always in her thoughts – and dreams – daily.

She often spoke to Undyne mentally, when she was lost, or lonely, or so angry at her fate that it was the only thing keeping her from _giving up_...

And those dreams, those _gorgeous_ dreams, even when they had elements of pain and sorrow within them, of a life she _could've_ had with Undyne...

Those kept her fighting, too.

And she _had_ to fight.

Not to prove herself; she'd done that already, twice, by first saving the survivors, then taking up the crown.

Every day was a fight, because every day was _agony_.

Her pain never left her, the physical as well as emotional.

The physical pain woke her up at night, and the emotional pain kept her awake.

With the medicines – _EOLs, of course_ , she'd noticed right away, grinning bitterly – she was able to stay afloat, as she took them meticulously.

But they were still _EOL_ drugs. They could only do so much.

By the time she'd managed to not only form a working government, one she knew she could trust, but she'd also managed to pass several ordinances and amendments, things that were needed in this new, depressing world.

Only, it wasn't completely depressing.

There was some happiness.

There was some joy.

The people who survived began to thrive, and not just on their own, but because of Alphys. It wasn't arrogance, this conclusion; she'd seen it, with her own eyes, and had barely believed it, herself.

sans had been right: she _was_ the beacon they'd needed to keep alive – and keep _living_.

People were starting to _see_ _her_.

At first, it terrified her, because it meant everything she did would be under scrutiny.

But even when she screwed up, instead of humiliation and mockery, like she expected, she received understanding and support – and help.

And through it all, sans stayed at her side, acting as her chief advisor, main bodyguard, and best friend.

He never spoke of love, again, and she was grateful.

But they were still close, in that angry-amicable way that suited them best, and Alphys was glad.

When the dreaded six-month mark passed, and she stayed standing, she realised something very strange.

She was happy. Just a little.

I _was wrong, and_ you _were_ right _, Undyne,_ she thought that day, when she'd realised it.

 _I_ can _do this._

_I am._

_I have._

_And well._

Then, she thought, in a moment of truly unqueenly weakness:

_Are you proud of me, Undyne?_

_Are you watching me, somehow?_

_Are you... are you waiting for me, wherever you are...?_

She hoped so.

She hoped so, with all of her heart.

Because it made accepting her death easier.

* * *

Seven months, two weeks, and five days into her regime, Alphys had a heart attack in the middle of the Chambers, right in the middle of a speech.

She felt pain strike her breast, and her skin grow cold and sweaty. She couldn't speak, her throat closing up, and when she felt that pain travel up her left arm and along her jaw, she realised what was happening...

…and passed out.

When she woke up, she heard slow, inconsistent beeping, felt the pressure of an oxygen mask over her face, and she felt her blood grow cold.

_This is it, Undyne._

_This is the end._

She felt someone take her hand, and she stirred, then turned toward the sound of her name being spoken, the voice low and threatening but strangely comforting, regardless.

 _Sans_.

“Ss..San...nnss...” she mumbled.

“Shut up,” he answered, predictably. “Don't talk, yet. You're too weak.”

“Mmnn...” she answered, and he dug his fingers into her palm, the sting of pain helping her focus and wake up more – even if that wasn't his intention.

“Heart attack,” he answered, anyway, knowing her well, by now.

She'd known that, but it was nice to be proven right. She inhaled sharply, suspiciously free of pain, and she gritted her teeth, shaking her head a little.

“Nnn...” she growled.

She didn’t want to die in a hospital.

“Again, _shut_ the _fuck_ up,” Sans sighed. “Use your senses, you Royal Idiot.”

She did, inhaling slowly, and realise that, if she pushed away the medical smells and tastes, it smelt like her bedroom in the Palace.

She smiled, her fingers closing around his, ever so lightly, but he pressed them around his own fingers tighter, holding them in place.

There was a moment of silence between them, as Alphys slowly woke up more and more, gradually becoming more and more acclimated to her new limitations.

 _This really_ is _the end, Undyne_ , she realised, with complete cool and calm.

And suddenly, just like that, she felt her fear vanish.

She'd been dreading it this whole time, waiting for it, always aware of it at the back of her mind, regardless of how hard she worked.

And now, it was here.

She didn't have to wait, anymore.

It was over, done, time.

She'd done all she could.

It wasn't perfect.

But it had been _honest_ , and with her entire heart and soul.

So she didn't regret it.

“Goddammit, Alphys,” Sans suddenly whispered. She felt him press the back of her hand to his forehead. “Don't do this.”

“N-no... ch-choice...” Alphys rasped out, trying to smile. She squeezed her eyes, then opened them slowly, as wide as she could – only halfway.

She saw, beside her, a very blurry and dark Sans, looking bereft and tiny. He looked sad, so sad, and again, she struggled to smile, to give him _something_ , _anything_ , he could hold onto...

But she couldn't open her eyes for very long, and it was the only thing she regretted – because they closed - and never opened, again.

“S-Sans,” she whispered, “I w-wish... I could've l-loved you... l-like you... d-deserve t-to... be l-lo-loved...”

She heard him sob softly, and felt him move her hand to his chest. She wondered, when he did, if he would touch her with his soul, but he merely kept his hand over his hoodie, but still above his heart.

“I _never_ deserved your love,” he whispered, breaking her heart. “I never deserved the love you _gave_ me, regardless of what kind it was.”

“N-no,” she growled, feeling tired, all of a sudden, her mind swimming and her voice thick. “Y-you... de... serve... w- _world_...”

“Please, Alphys,” he begged, moving closer to her. “Don't leave me...”

She felt him rest his head on her chest, holding her hand to his own, but from far away, so far away...

“ _Never_ ,” she promised, her voice so soft that she barely heard it, herself. “Al- _always_...”

And she tried to dig her claws into his chest, to show him where she'd always be, and why he'd never lose her.

“Ta... take... c-care of... th-them,” she asked, her body light, now, her senses dull and hollow. “An... and... Y- _you_ …”

 _Don't give up,_ she thought desperately, wishing she could say it. _Don't give up..!_

And he sobbed, and said, “I won't give up, Alphys. But only for you.”

She smiled, she hoped. “Th... tha... thank...”

Then, suddenly, with crisp clarity, she heard it:

Someone was calling her name.

She heard it, better than she could hear Sans, and she focused on it.

She followed it.

And suddenly, she couldn't feel Sans, anymore.

She couldn't feel anything.

 _Until_...

“Alphy! _Alphy!”_

_That voice!_

She went toward it, throwing all that she was to get to it—

\--and suddenly, she could feel, again.

She felt her hands, and one of them being held by cold, long fingers, ones she grabbed onto, eager for her eyes to open, because she _knew_ that hand...

“ _Alphy?!”_

 _Yes_ , she thought, feeling a wave of tears engulf her, tears of relief.

 _Undyne_.

She felt arms go around her, felt a face go right into the curve of her neck, and she smiled.

“Un... dyne...” she breathed out, still trying to open her eyes, so she could finally see her, see her love, her only love, her only hope...

“Alphy...!” Undyne answered, sobbing it out. _“Alphy!!”_

“You... w-waited... f-for m-m-me...” Alphys realised, trying to hug onto her. “Wh... what is...? Where is...?”

Undyne was quiet, though she still sobbed.

Then, between hiccups, Undyne whispered, “Alphys, do you know where you are...?”

“De...” She shuddered. “Dead...”

Undyne sobbed, hard, in a way that clearly kept her from speaking, but Alphys didn't care.

She was dead, but she was with Undyne.

But only one of those things was actually true.

And when she could, Undyne started to speak to her, tell her where she was, and what had happened to her, in truth.

And by the end, Alphys was the one in harsh, word-stealing sobs, unable to believe it was true.

But it was.

It was _all true._

In more ways than she even knew, yet.

**END OF PART TWO**


	21. Catch Without Release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or: Undyne's perspective, at last. 
> 
> *flashback noises!*
> 
> Also, TRIGGER WARNING FOR A SUICIDE ATTEMPT.

**PART THREE: THE TRUTH**

Undyne wasn't sure what woke her up, until she heard it a second time.

A low, guttural moan.

She scrambled to her feet, running toward the sound – _the bathroom_ , she realised – and reached for the door, her hands scrabbling at the handle desperately – especially when she started to hear choking noises.

She opened the door – and found Alphys on the floor, on her side, her eyes open and her body convulsing, coughing up something sickly-looking.

She was pale, almost white, and she looked like she was...

_She looks like she's...!_

Undyne screamed Alphys’s name, kneeling down and grabbing her, pulling her into her arms.

“Alphys!” she shouted again, shaking her _. “Alphys!!”_

Alphys choked, her eyes rolling up for a moment, before Undyne heard her make a noise.

She was trying to speak.

“Okay, baby,” Undyne said, her voice a wavering mess. “I'm here, you're safe, I’m gonna get you help...”

“Uunn...” Alphys groaned out, her eyes rolling up again briefly before shutting, then opening, their colour dim, the whites of her eyes greying. “Unn... ddyynne...”

“Yes!” Undyne agreed. “I'm here, Alphy, I’ll save you!”

She looked around frantically, and saw Alphys's phone. She grabbed it, her finger going to the emergency quick-key, and she pushed down on it, then held it to her ear, her hand shaking so hard she almost dropped it several times.

“D...don....” Alphys whispered. “… tuh...”

“Yes, my name is Undyne,” Undyne said quickly, the second she heard a voice. She rattled off their address, then cried out, “My wife overdosed on her sleeping pills! I think... I think she was... trying t-to... ki..."

She couldn't finish, even when her eye fell on the bottle of sleeping pills, now almost empty.

Then, she heard Alphys say _it_.

She heard it over the voice of the operator, heard it over her own frantic heart.

“D-donn… s-ss-saave.... mm.... me...”

Undyne felt her blood turn to ice, and she dropped the phone, grabbing Alphys's chin and jerking her face up, staring into those blank, dimming eyes, that pale, ghostly, agonised face.

And she _screamed_ at her.

“No! _Fuck you, Alphys!_ I'm _saving_ you, and I don't give a _fuck_ if you _don't want me to!_ You made me promise, and I _never_ break my promises! _I'm saving you, you bitch!!”_

Alphys's eyes rolled up, and she made a sound of both pain and dismay.

She felt both heavy and light, limp but weightless.

Then, she saw the whites of Alphys's eyes go completely grey, then close, and Undyne started going into shock.

She sobbed, picking Alphys up, before rushing her back to their bedroom, leaving the phone behind in her haste, lying her down on her side, as if getting ready for bed.

Undyne then joined her, lying down in front of her, wrapping around her and holding her as close as possible, telling Alphys to count her breaths with her, before she started to do so, herself.

She didn't even realise that, by then, Alphys was not only unconscious, but minutes from death, barely breathing at all, now.

She didn't want to realise it.

She refused to accept that her wife was dying before her eyes, in her arms, in the eerie limbo of midnight...

…and she didn't even know _why_...

She heard something smash, then crack, before there was a louder crash, and the sounds of heavy footsteps.

She curled around Alphys quickly, suddenly afraid that they were being attacked, forgetting in her shock that she'd called them here...

She felt hands on her, and she snarled, reaching for her magic.

But then, she saw more hands on Alphys, and the world went _red_.

She held tighter, but the hands on her kept pulling her back, and she was shocked; no one was stronger than her, no one except Asgore.

And Asgore wasn't there.

She had no idea that her shock made her weak, and made her magic fizzle out into nothing.

She watched them roll Alphys onto her back, saw that Alphys's eyes were closed, almost sunken-in, and her face was expressionless and eerily calm. She was like a ragdoll, and her breathing had softened.

Undyne struggled to breathe, herself, wondering hopefully that the change in Alphys's meant she was closer to being safe.

But she was wrong.

Alphys's dying body was shutting down, and Alphys didn't fight back.

Undyne keened out, and she felt herself dragged up and off the bed and onto her feet. She staggered, her eye locked on Alphys's face, realising that it _wasn't_ the lighting that made her skin look grey...

“Alphy,” Undyne gasped out. She started forward, her hands reaching, but was yanked back.

 _“No!”_ Undyne protested, trying to escape them, not realising that her attempts to “help” were actually slowing down the actual help Alphys needed.

“I promised her I’d save her!” Undyne cried. “I _promised_! Even if she didn't want to be saved! I don't _care_ if she _wants_ to die! I _need_ to save her! _Let me save her!”_

She pulled as hard as she could, but terror and shock made her clumsy and weak, and she wailed, the sound heartbreaking, as she uselessly reached for her dying wife.

 _“Save her!”_ she screamed, scratching at her captors. “Save my wife! Save my Alphy! Don't let her die, _don't_ let her _die_ , _don't let her fucking die,_ I’ll _kill_ you if you do, _I_ _swear,_   _I_   _will kill you, you fucking_ \--!”

Her voice gave out suddenly, and she blinked hard, then tried to finish her screams.

But nothing came out.

And suddenly, she realised everything was going dark.

 _Where are the lights?_ she thought, not even feeling her body going limp.

_Why can't I see her...?_

It was her last thought before the sedative kicked in, and she passed out.


	22. The Price Of Pain

Undyne woke up with a gasp, jumping and reaching out.

She cried out, sitting up quickly, her eye not even registering anything in front of her, save the absence of her wife.

“Alphy!” she shouted out, but her voice was scratchy, and she choked, coughing; she was _parched_.

Suddenly, a door opened, and she turned to it, seeing Asgore standing there, looking flustered and harried.

When their eyes met, he rushed to her, and they embraced.

“Dad,” Undyne croaked out. “ _Dad!”_

“Thank dust and dawn you’re awake,” he breathed out, kissing her forehead.

He pulled away a little to hold her face in his hands, and her eye filled with tears. He looked broken, haunted and sad, and it terrified her.

“No,” she begged weakly, her tears blinding her. She reached up and grabbed his forearms, shaking her head. “No! No! _No!!”_

“Shh...” Asgore spoke over her, pulling her back to him and stroking her hair slowly. She felt him rocking her, but instead of comfort, she felt visceral pain.

She wanted _Alphys_ to hold her, to soothe her.

_I want Alphy..._

_“No,”_ she keened out, right before he was about to speak.

She knew what he was going say, and she didn't want to hear it. “No! Dad, _please, no!”_

“No,” Asgore agreed, silencing her. “You’re right, Undyne.”

She went rigid. “I am...?” she whispered.

She felt him kiss the crown of her head, then a nod.

“Yes, child of my soul,” he murmured, his voice wavering with tears.

“Alphy... Alphy _is_... she's... I _lost_ her, Dad...”

“No, dear,” he corrected. “You did not.”

Undyne went deaf with a different kind of shock. She wasn't sure she'd heard him right.

“Alphy... is... she's gone... she... she overdosed...” She choked. “…th-the pills...”

“They got most of it out,” Asgore said gently, still rocking her and stroking her hair. “She'd unfortunately absorbed a lot, but since she was already growing tolerant, it wasn't as bad as it could have been.”

“You're lying to me,” she hissed. “It’s _cruel_.”

“Undyne, I am not. Doctor Alphys, my Scientist and your wife, _is alive.”_

Undyne's eye went wide, staring at Asgore's shoulder blankly. Her mouth was open, but nothing came out. She looked shellshocked, windblown, completely thrown off of her feet.

“My Alphy...?” she then pleaded, her voice high-pitched and pathetic. “My wife...? My soul...? My pillar... my... my whole fucking _world_ , _universe_ \--?”

Asgore shushed her gently.

She went quiet, her heart aching and scared.

Then, the door opened, and Frisk came in with a wheelchair.

It was only then that Undyne realised she was in a hospital bed, wearing a hospital gown and an ID bracelet, her hand IVed and hooked up to saline and a mild sedative.

She watched mutely as Asgore unhooked those bags and hooked them up to the wheelchair's pole, instead.

Then, he lowered the railing to her bed, and held out his arm.

She stared at it.

“Take hold,” he coaxed her gently. “You're probably a little woozy from the tranquilizer they gave you. You've been asleep for about six hours.”

Undyne felt embarrassment, and was surprised by it. “Oh,” she murmured, before taking hold of Asgore's arm with both hands.

She held tight, and he pulled her to her feet. She wobbled, and Asgore helped her hop-shuffle to the wheelchair. She sat down in it heavily, then held her head in her hands, dizzy.

She felt a hand to her shoulder, and looked up. Frisk was now standing beside her, and when their eyes met, they hugged onto Undyne tight, burying their face into her shoulder and sobbing softly.

Undyne held them to her, and soon felt Asgore hold them both. She shuddered, scared and confused, and she felt them both try to calm her and comfort her.

“Why am I in a wheelchair?” she then asked. “And did you manage to get my wallet? I don't wanna have to pay out of pocket for this...”

She didn't know why she focused on _that_. Maybe it was just easier to think of the mundane, instead of the terror of reality.

_Is that how Alphy felt...? Is that why she...?_

Frisk darted over to the side table and grabbed Undyne's bag, smiling, before they set it in her lap. It made Undyne smile, just a tiny bit, and when Asgore gave her a full, cold, one-litre water bottle, that smile grew, and she gulped a great deal of it greedily.

Then, she rested it in her lap with her purse, and asked again why she was in a wheelchair.

Asgore smiled, moving behind her and grabbing the handles of the chair, before turning her around and pushing her toward the door. Frisk ran and opened it, and they left the room.

As they walked (and rolled), Frisk suddenly reached over and grabbed one of Undyne's hands into their own tight. Undyne looked up from her bag – she'd been looking for her phone – to the human, but Frisk was using their hair to hide their face.

“Frisk?” she called, squeezing their hand.

“Undyne,” Frisk whispered, finally looking over at her, their eyes full of tears. “This _sucks_.”

Undyne shivered, again, nodding.

“Undyne, I _must_ stress the fact that Alphys _is_ alive,” Asgore suddenly broke in – and his voice caught on Alphys's name, surprising Undyne.

While she knew that Asgore and Alphys were friends, and Alphys once had a crush on him, she didn't think Alphys was as close to him as Undyne was, and was surprised by the amount of grief he displayed.

He didn't explain himself – yet. Now wasn't the time. But suffice it to say, he was indeed close with Alphys, and had grown even closer once they were freed, and Alphys and Undyne started dating.

“She's alive,” Undyne repeated softly, almost too scared to accept it, certain she would be proven wrong and her heart would shatter.

They suddenly stopped – it had been a short “walk” – in front of another door, one, Undyne realised, was in the CritCare ward.

Frisk again opened and held the door, and Asgore pushed Undyne into the room.


	23. Burdens

It was dark, Undyne saw.

And the first thing she heard was soft, even beeping, followed by a softer hissing sound, almost in concert with the beeping.

Frisk closed the door, and Asgore pulled back the curtain.

Undyne almost ripped apart her purse.

Alphys was there, lying in a bed like Undyne had been. Only she was practically covered in cords and wires; electrodes were stuck to her chest, as well as her forehead and crown of her head, perplexing Undyne for a moment. She, too, was IVed, but to different kinds of bags – and both her hands were ported, not just one. Her left hand rested on her stomach, her right just beneath it.

The worst part, the thing that made Undyne almost grow violent, was the ventilator.

Alphys was hooked up not to just oxygen, but an actual ventilator, one that pumped air into her lungs with steady hisses.

“Alphy,” she sobbed, trying to get to her feet.

Asgore stopped her, pushing her back down onto the chair, before he wheeled her closer, her hands already reaching out. They touched Alphys – one on her shoulder, the other, her left forearm – and Undyne sobbed wordlessly, her eye filling with fresh tears.

“Undyne, I need you to listen to me, so you understand what's going on,” Asgore said softly, pulling a chair over and sitting next to her.

She nodded, her eye glued to Alphys's obscured, sickly face.

“Alphys is comatose, Undyne. The drug she overdosed on was too strong. She stopped breathing several times, and they had to hook her up to that.” He gestured to the ventilator, his eyes tearing up.

“You _lied_ to me,” Undyne said, her voice cold with pain. “She _is_ gone.” Her hand slipped up from Alphys's arm to her cheek, curving it around the mask and touching the skin around it – skin that was pale and cold. “She’s _not_ _here_...”

Frisk suddenly moved right up to her, pulling her hand away. Then, in silence – Frisk was too choked up to speak – they gently moved one of their fingers to one of Alphys's eyes, and eased the eyelid up.

Undyne looked, her throat closing up with fear.

But Alphys's eye wasn't grey, anymore. It was bloodshot, and rolled up a little, but it was _normal_.

“She's here,” Frisk managed to whisper. “See the electrodes?”

Undyne nodded.

“Her brain is alive,” Frisk said. “It's... the _opposite_ of dead. Like, by a _lot_.”

Undyne frowned, confused.

Toriel walked in, then, just as Asgore was about to explain, and she held a tray of coffees and a bag of tiny doughnuts.

When she saw Undyne, her face lit up, and she set the treats aside to hug her, kissing both of her cheeks.

“Hey,” Undyne whispered.

“Hello, dear,” Toriel agreed kindly, brushing Undyne's tears away with her thumbs. “I had hoped you'd be awake, and I got you some coffee – I asked, you're allowed one cup for now. You like it black, yes? Two sugars?”

Undyne nodded, despite the fact that it was actually four sugars, but she didn't really care right now. She took it, glad to hold something in her hands, and sipped it slowly. It tasted a little stale, but it was comforting, because coffee always reminded her of Alphys...

She looked up at her wife again, then whispered, “Please... can... can I hold her...?”

“I'm sorry, Undyne, I don't think so,” Toriel admitted, handing Frisk a hot chocolate and Asgore a green tea, before grabbing her own mocha. “She’s too...”

“Wired,” Frisk added helpfully.

Toriel took this time to sit beside Asgore, holding out the bag of tiny doughnuts to him – which cheered him up a little, taking one - and promptly suffered powdered sugar dusting his moustache and beard.

Undyne nodded, though inside, she felt awful. “You promise me...? She’s… still here?”

Frisk lit up. “Right! Undyne!” They grabbed one of Undyne's hands, holding it tight. “See the ‘trodes on Alphys's head?”

Undyne nodded; they were rather hard to miss.

“It's for her brain,” Frisk explained. “They told us about that sleep thingie, about how Alphys's brainwaves went sporadic when she was lucid dreaming, and it looked like redacted info.”

Undyne couldn't help it; she squeezed Frisk's hand, nodding with a tiny smile.

“And, guess what, Undyne!” Frisk said excitedly. “Her brainwaves are doing the _exact same thing right now!”_

Undyne's smile vanished. “She's _there?_ She's _trapped?_ She's in a coma and _trapped there?!”_

The Dreemurrs stared at her with surprise, clearly not anticipating such a panicked response.

“It’s what almost _killed_ her!” Undyne cried, sorrow crashing into her and making her reach for Alphys, again. “She _overdosed_ because she thought it was _real!_ And now she's _trapped_ _there_! She probably thinks it was real _all along!”_

She turned to Asgore, then Toriel, panicking. “Wake her up, now, _now!_ Hurry, _hurry up,_ get the doctor!”

When they merely stared at her, Undyne gritted her teeth and grabbed hold of her chair's wheels. “Fine, I’ll do it myself!”

But Frisk reached down and quickly pushed down the brakes, stopping her before she could even start, and angering her even more.

“Undyne, please,” Frisk then begged, looking scared. “Calm down. They said if they have to sedate you again, you'll be admitted into the psychiatric ward – and away from Alphys.”

Undyne shook her head. “No, I want to be _here_ , I want my bed to be in here!”

“Undyne, if you stay calm, you will be discharged tonight,” Asgore told her. “But you need to calm down, please.”

“I can't!” Undyne cried, her grief finally set free. “I _can't!_ Alphy overdosed, because of those _fucking_ _dreams_ , and now I can't save her, like I promised I would! She's _trapped_ , and it's _my fault!”_

And there it was: the true reason for Undyne's panic.

“It’s _all_ my fault!” she realised, covering her face with her hands, trembling. “I was asleep, I didn't hear her wake up! I was too late, _I was too late!_ It's all _my_ fault! I didn't see her insomnia, I didn’t see her suicidal desires, I didn't see her _pain_! _I did this!!”_

She sobbed, hard, so hard that it hurt, and she almost threw up.

They tried to calm her down, as unluckily, the doctor walked in.

But luckily, it was Tollona.

“Captain!” she cried, startling Undyne into looking up. Dr Tollona went over to her and touched her shoulder lightly, tentatively. “Welcome back!”

“I want Alphy,” she blurted out, before sobbing, again, and losing her ability to speak.

“Call him?” Frisk asked suddenly.

“Call him,” Undyne heard Asgore agree.

"Hurry, dear; we'll join you, shortly," Toriel added.

Frisk stood up and left the room, their phone at their ear.

When Undyne finally figured out what _that_ meant, she was forever grateful.


	24. Waiting Game

Tollona waited until Undyne had quieted enough – and Asgore and Toriel went to check on Frisk, then clean Asgore's beard – before she explained to Undyne what had happened – _all_ of it.

Alphys had indeed almost died from her overdose, and did have to have her stomach pumped, as well as remain comatose until she healed – and Tollona reassured Undyne that Alphys _was_ healing, despite how bad she looked, now.

Then, Tollona described in more detail what Frisk had tried to tell Undyne.

“Frisk said something about her brainwaves,” Undyne said, still in her damned hospital gear and gown, but at least able to sit in a recliner in the same room as Alphys, and hold her hand.

“Yes,” Tollona agreed, clapping her hands once and keeping them together, leaning forward.

Her eyes lit up a bit, but Undyne refused to hope.

“Undyne, comatose patients don't usually have much brain activity at all; it's how we can tell they’re comatose, but not yet brain-dead.”

Undyne flinched at that, but Tollona went on.

“Alphys...” The doctor breathed in, then sighed deeply, her eyes wide. “Her brain is... going _haywire_. We _have_ to keep her hooked up; otherwise we'll have no clue what the hell is even _happening_ in there.”

“And, what _is_ happening to her?” Undyne murmured, her eye now on her wife's face.

“Exactly what happened to her during the sleep-study, Captain. Her brainwaves are a kind we've never even seen, don't even have a name for. But now that we _have_ seen them, we can easily pick them out – and Alphys's brain...”

She shook her head. “It's so immensely busy, Captain.”

“She's _there_ ,” Undyne whispered, her voice so small that it felt almost as soul as her hope. “She's _there_ , in _that place_ , the place that started this entire fucking mess.”

Tollona blinked. “What do you mean?”

But it was then that the door burst open, followed by a streak of red, white, and black, before Undyne was suddenly hugged so hard she was pulled to her feet – but held up, still.

She sobbed, and clung hard, unable to hold back her tears, now. And Papyrus held her close, stroking her hair and rubbing her back, as if she were a child, as if they'd even known each other as children, and he knew exactly how to soothe her because of that.

When the true reason was that he just knew his Captain, loved her, and wanted to cheer her up.

“Papyrus,” she sobbed out, her nails digging into the back of his armour. “I... Alphy is...”

“I KNOW. I'M HERE,” he reassured her.

And for a blessed moment, Undyne just buried her face into his shoulder and sobbed, allowing herself this intense moment of weakness, in the arms of one of the very few people who would never abuse that weakness – and instead, seek to lend her _their_ strength.

But then, she felt someone slip between her and Alphys, and she pulled away, about to shove whoever it was away – until she saw who it was, and the expression worn.

sans stared at Alphys, his eyes huge and his pinpoint eyes dim with shock. He stood there, his hands at his sides, and stared at her, while trembling from skull to slipper.

“no,” was all he said, before he slumped, and Papyrus grabbed him and helped him into a spare chair, kneeling beside him the moment he could.

Undyne stared at him, as he stared at her wife, and felt a chill.

She saw recognition in his eyes.

She went over to him and stood in front of him, to her full height, and despite the fact that she was tired, hungry, and enraged, she still knew none of it mattered if it didn't save Alphys.

If sans knew something, she would kick it out of him if she had to.

And he seemed to know it, too, because he looked away from Alphys and up at her, and he shrank a little in his chair.

“Talk,” she snarled, her hands on her hips.

“i know what's happening,” he said at once, his voice small and thin. “i know what's wrong with her.”

Everyone – save Alphys, of course – was staring at him, now, even Tollona.

sans rubbed his face, leaning forward and keeping it covered, before he went on. “captain, you said she kept talking about some place that seemed real, too real, and a darker, depressing version of reality? that's what frisk said.”

“Yes,” she agreed, crossing her arms over her chest, now – then wincing and uncrossing them when the action tugged painfully on her IV.

“fuck,” he answered. “it was too much to ask for the kid to be wrong, huh?” He sighed. “and why didn't she just _tell_ me...?”

“sans, I will fucking rip your heart out if you don't start explaining!” Undyne finally shouted, losing her temper. She even took a few steps forward, but again, she had to stumble back and sit back down, tethered in place by the IV.

“Can't you take this _fucking thing out_?!” she added, her voice cracking with her frustration.

Tollona smiled. “Yes, if you'll stay still and stop trying to give me more patients.”

 _“I_ THINK _UNDYNE_ NEEDS MORE PATIENCE AT THE MOMENT.”

Both Undyne and sans glared at Papyrus, who beamed proudly.

Tollona left to get what she needed to unhook Undyne, and when she did, sans finally spoke up.

“you're not gonna like it, captain,” he admitted.

“I don't like _anything_ , right now,” she answered, sipping her now-cold coffee without really tasting it; she just needed something to _do_. “Especially _now_ that my wife is trapped in a nightmare-spree of a world she thinks is real, and belongs _there_ instead of _here_!!”

Her voice broke, and she flinched, then looked away, biting her lip and keeping her face away. She was crying, again, and she didn't want him to see, even if he knew, anyway.

“alright. well. yep. what's happening to her, it's...”

He hid his face in his hands, and suddenly, Undyne and Papyrus felt it: a chill in the air, very minute, but one they both recognised – but still didn't like.

“…real. It's _real_ , Undyne. She was right. And... she was wrong.”

 _“Explain_ , Sans,” Undyne whispered, her voice thick with her grief.

He did.

And he was right.

She didn't like it.


	25. Time-Lights and Timelines

Later, Sans would admit that he was glad Frisk hadn't been there for most of the conversation, as he worried that they would’ve blamed themself, when it wasn't really even their fault.

 _This_ Frisk, anyway.

“Timelines,” Sans began, his voice low and chilling but strangely soft, anyway. “When a human falls down, something weird happens to the Underground. These yellow, glowing stars appear the second a human touches down, and only they can use them. A monster touches them...” He shrugged. “Just sparks.”

Undyne turned her head slowly, so that she could see him properly. But she kept her hold on Alphys's hand tight. “What are they?” she asked.

“Little... time machines,” he said after a moment, clearly trying to find the right words. “Somehow, if a human somehow gets fatally hurt, and their soul is about to be stolen, it shatters, instead, and suddenly, they're back to the last time... time-light... yeah, time-light... before that happened.”

“WAIT A MOMENT,” Papyrus broke in. “THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, AS WE HAD SIX HUMAN SOULS. THESE TIME-LIGHTS SUGGEST A HUMAN SOUL WILL ALWAYS SHATTER, SO HOW DID WE GET THEM?”

“There have been more than seven - eight, sorry – humans that have fallen. The six we stole had given up, and let it happen. Each one didn't restart, or go back to try again. They gave up, and we got the soul.”

“Okay,” Undyne said softly, chewing on her lip for a moment. “So, hold on. What made Frisk different? They somehow... _fixed_ it. We're free.”

Sans swallowed hard, then. “Because... not long before Frisk fell, Alphys started experimenting with DT. And she injected a flower with some, a flower from Asgore's garden. Where... his son and human child died...”

Undyne slowly turned her head to him, her blood turning to ice. “Prince Asriel and Chara?” she whispered.

When Sans nodded, Undyne shivered – still didn't quite understand. “So, no, wait. Why would _that_ affect the time-lights that appeared when Frisk fell?”

Sans raised his head, clearly looking at Alphys.

Then, softly, he explained how Alphys accidentally created Flowey – and how it was possible.

He was just finishing when Tollona returned, and for a moment, they went quiet, Undyne trembling so hard that Tollona had to ask Papyrus for help.

Undyne couldn't help it. She hadn't known about Flowey, not at all – and least of all who and what he really was.

Tollona, clearly sensing the mood, picked up the medical waste carefully and said to Undyne, “I'll go write up your discharge papers, and have someone bring your belongings back here, so you can change.”

Undyne nodded, her hand throbbing but at least free, and Tollona checked on Alphys, then left.

“Does Alphy know?” Undyne wondered.

“Yes,” Sans agreed. “And so do you, bro.”

Papyrus blinked in surprise. “I KNOW _MANY_ THINGS. YOU MUST NARROW THEM DOWN, PLEASE.”

“You've met Flowey.”

Papyrus frowned, then blinked and nodded. “OH YES! THE KIND FLOWER WHO TOLD ME WHERE TO FIND ALL OF YOU, BEFORE THE BARRIER BROKE!”

“So... okay. Flowey exists. How does that affect Frisk?”

“Flowey had his own time-lights, Undyne,” Sans replied. “And when Frisk fell, they took them over. Together, through...”

Sans smirked, as if about to tell a great joke. “… _resets_ , in a way, they kept fucking with each other, seeing what they could do _this_ time, what could change _that_ time, and how it would change things _altogether_ , including how that timeline ends.”

Undyne stared at him. “You make Frisk out to be some kind of asshole, toying with our lives.”

“ _This_ Frisk, _our_ Frisk, did not,” Sans amended in agreement. “ _This_ one had to reset a few times, but not to see what would happen – just to survive.”

Then, he added, “But the _other_ Frisks... the ones who _did_ compete with Flowey, who let themselves be manipulated by him... They're why _this_ is happening.”

And he gestured to Alphys, then let his hand drop.

Undyne was mute, now. She understood what he was saying, yes. But she didn't understand what it truly _meant_.

But Papyrus did. “SHE CROSSED OVER!”

Sans nodded.

“Huh?” Undyne wondered, shaking so hard that she felt dizzy.

“Somehow, Undyne, Alphys is connecting to a timeline of her own, one that that Frisk had finished before resetting, again. When our Frisk's time-lights vanished, it was because the barrier broke, and we were free.”

But then, Sans paused, looking troubled. “But I don't know how her soul managed to connect to a timeline so clearly and perfectly - especially without even knowing how. Even _I_ don't know how to do that.”

“WELL, WE _ALL_ CAN KIND OF REMEMBER SOME OF THEM,” Papyrus offered, surprising Sans.

And throwing Undyne into the dark even deeper.

She blinked. She felt cold, and she closed her eye, lowered her head, and just... _thought_ for a moment.

 _There have been dreams that always seem_ too real, she realised. _But_ everyone _has those, don't they? Dreams that are a little too real, and thus the scariest?_

And suddenly, like a slap, she remembered one of her own.

_She was running, down the crowded pathway of the dump, her footsteps kicking up water and soaking her legs._

_She didn't feel it._

_Her face was soaked with tears._

_She looked around frantically, her heart breaking. All she could really see were words, on a screen, tiny posts on her UnderNet feed:_

_“_ Metta is dead. The human killed him. It's all my fault. I killed him. Why didn't the human kill me? Why?”

_Then:_

“I'll do it, then.”

 _Undyne had somehow knew where she'd go, and raced as fast as she could, to stop Alphys, to stop her_ again _..._

_Instead, she slowed to a stop at the tiles of the abyss, and found an echo flower, tied with a red ribbon and kept in place - with a pair of glasses weighing it down._

_Undyne staggered, then dropped down into the water beside it, already sobbing so hard it hurt._

_She took the flower, and activated its spell._

“I'm sorry. I'm useless. I kill everyone I love. I never want to kill you, Undyne. And I love you most of all. Goodbye...”

_Then, a sob, and silence._

_Undyne cowered there, holding the flower and the glasses to her chest, and she screamed Alphys's name, as if it would bring her back, as if it would summon her home._

_But she wasn't ever coming back..._

Undyne felt gloved hands on her forearms, and she opened her eye, looking up at Papyrus, sobbing softly and holding her head in her hands, one hand holding Alphys's to her forehead.

“UNDYNE, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” he asked her, his tone gentle and soothing.

“No,” she answered. “Because I understand, Papyrus. And I don't fucking wanna understand, because it _hurts_!”

“You remembered something,” Sans observed.

“The _worst_ ,” she answered weakly. “No... no wonder she thought she was going insane...”

“WHY IS IT HAPPENING IN SUCH FREQUENCY TO HER, THOUGH?” Papyrus wondered, standing back up and glancing at Alphys, while one hand remained on Undyne's shoulder. “I UNDERSTAND WHY IT WOULD _NOW_ , AFTER SUCH A TRAUMATIC EVENT. BY WHY BEFORE?”

“That’s the question,” Sans agreed.

“AND HOW DO WE BREAK HER FREE?”

Undyne sobbed, then.

Because she knew the answer to the first question – and thus knew an answer to the second was impossible.

Because Alphys thought she deserved this, she would never break free.

She would never wake up.

_Alphy is lost..._

_And I want to be with her..._

Truly, a coin is two sides of the same whole.


	26. Named Purpose

Undyne didn't speak, didn't explain. She didn't say a word, even when the brothers tried to coax at least something out of her.

When a nurse came by with Undyne's clothes, she grabbed them, then ran right to the bathroom attached to Alphys's room, and locked the door.

For a moment, she huddled there, sitting on the lid of the toilet seat, her bag of clothes and her purse held to her chest so hard it hurt a little.

Then, a thought occurred to her: she wondered if Mettaton knew what had happened.

 _He would want to know,_ she realised, putting the bag of clothes on the floor and rummaging through her purse. She grabbed her phone and turned it on, and after she sighed at how low its battery was, opened her email.

She was about to open a new message for Mettaton, but her eye landed on one of her new emails, and her finger froze.

At the top, timestamped with yesterday's date and time – well after midnight – was an email from her wife.

Undyne stared at it, scared of it.

She knew what it was.

She knew it, and didn't need its subject line to tell her.

But it did, anyway:

_“I'm sorry; Goodbye.”_

Undyne started crying, her whole body trembling, now. She lowered her finger and just stared at the screen, at those three words, and cried, the tears hot and her sobs gut-wrenching.

She didn't want to read it.

_But... if Alphys doesn't wake up..._

_If she dies... these will be the only words I’ll have left._

Undyne knew she deserved that, knew she had a right to that, as Alphys's wife.

But she knew she also deserved it, because even Alphys knew that Undyne loved her best of all.

So, shakily, she opened it, swallowed hard, and read it.

And she felt her heart shatter.

Because with it, she understood the whole truth, and hadn't realised she hadn't know it before now.

Now, she did.

_She thinks I’m better off without her._

_She thinks I’ll be happy if she dies._

_She thinks I resent her, will be relieved if she dies._

_That her love wasn't enough, and I deserve better than she could give._

_She doesn't even want to be remembered..._

_She doesn't even want me to remember everything we ever shared..._

_She just wants me to forget her, to pretend I never knew her, to pretend... to pretend..._

_…that I’m better off without her..._

_When all I wanna do now is_ die _!!_

 _These_ were the last words she got to keep? _These_ were the words that she would cherish for comfort, for one last remnant of her dead wife?

 _No_ , she thought, holding onto the phone so hard that she dented it.

_Just... NO._

_It's not gonna happen._

_That's not where you belong, when you belong..._

_You belong_ here _, Alphys._

_You deserve to be here, because I deserve you to be here, too!_

_Because we both deserve happiness, and we make each other happiest of all!_

She tossed her phone back into her bag, forgetting all about Mettaton (something she would never, ever live down), and instead, focused on getting dressed – and getting to _work_.

* * *

When she shoved open the door, she scared Sans, Papyrus, and Dr Tollona into jumping, but she grinned instead of apologised.

“Good,” she said, her eye landing on the doctor.

She already felt better; in her own clothes, with her hair back and her face clean, she felt like she'd just shed an entire skin of scales.

“Undyne,” Tollona replied, clearly bemused and a little scared. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” she agreed, raising her head and grinning wider. “Because this? This, here?”

She pointed to Alphys with a finger, but didn't notice it shook.

“This is not gonna happen for much longer, okay?”

Before anyone could even try, Undyne walked over, grabbed a chair, and sat down in front of Tollona.

“Listen,” she said, her eye wide and blazing. “I need you to tell me everything I can possibly do to wake my wife up. _Anything_. _All_ the things. I don't _fucking care_ , I’ll do it.”

“undyne,” sans broke in, his eyes back but dim. “it's not that easy. she's... really in _that place_. or her brain is. remember?”

“Duh,” Undyne answered impatiently. “I _know_. I understand all of it. Alphy is trapped in an alternate timeline, because for whatever reason, through guilt or fear or whatever, we'll find out, she thinks she belongs there. But she's wrong, because she's still alive _here_. And she needs to know that, so she knows she can wake up, and then she can break free!”

She finally went silent, needing to catch her breath, and noticed everyone was staring at her with shock – even Papyrus.

“I missed something,” Dr Tollona then admitted, her voice weak. “Timelines?”

“Long story,” Undyne replied, waving her hand. “She's alive, and you said she was healing.”

When Tollona nodded, Undyne did, too.

“If she really _did_ belong there, she'd be dead, here. So she probably believes she _is_ dead, and therefore, she's not even trying to wake up!”

 _“fucking god,”_ sans breathed out, his eyes wide – but bright. “you're a fucking _genius_ , undyne.”

“No, just fucking one,” she replied calmly, so calmly that she was surprised when they laughed, and actually got a little mad. “Shut up, this is serious!”

“IT IS,” Papyrus agreed, mollifying her, just a little – especially when he took her hand. “AND WE LAUGH, BECAUSE IT'S NICE TO HAVE OUR CAPTAIN BACK.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Sorry. I felt... I was...”

“in pain, because your wife almost died, believing she deserved to, because she was actually _happy_ , for once,” sans agreed – and to her surprise, his voice broke, very softly, on the word ‘happy'.

She tilted her head at him, about to ask him what was wrong, when Tollona, who hadn't noticed, looked up from the papers that had distracted her and said, “I want to help, too, even if I understand nothing.”

Undyne grinned again. “Good. Get me everything you can find about how to wake up a comatose patient, anything. I know _this_ is different, but I don't care. We gotta start somewhere."

Tollona nodded, getting to her feet, before Undyne's eye suddenly filled with tears, despite her smile.

“One last thing? Those brainwaves?”

Tollona nodded. “Yes, the ones we've never seen before?”

“Yeah,” Undyne agreed. “Name them 'alphyswaves'.”

Tollona smiled, too. “Perfect,” she agreed, before she left.

When she felt both Papyrus and sans take her hand, she closed her eye, and let her tears loose, allowing one last moment of weakness, before she needed to be strong.

Her strongest.


	27. Her Universe

It was optimistic, but Undyne didn't keep track of the time, and by the time she had had her burst of determination, it was late – and the hospital was closing visitor hours.

Before he left, Undyne asked Papyrus to bring her back a bag of clothes and toiletries for her, for at least a week, when he came back in the morning. She also asked him to update the others, and he agreed to both, before hugging her tight.

sans hugged her, too, surprising her, but she hugged back. Alphys had told her, once, how she had known sans, and therefore wasn't surprised he was upset.

But she _was_ worried, and she asked Papyrus to make sure sans was okay – and he agreed, as he'd noticed sans's saddened demeanour, too.

Once alone, Undyne flatly stated that they would have to physically pick her up and throw her outside to get her to leave Alphys's room.

Oddly, they'd expected that, and instead brought in a fold-out lounge chair and set it up for Undyne, so she could sit with Alphys, as well as sleep if she needed to.

Undyne was grateful, but she knew sleep would be impossible that night.

So she stayed up, fussing for a little bit once she was alone with Alphys; she plugged in her phone to charge, she adjusted her chair, she even put away her bag, hanging it up on one of the empty IV hooks (which amused her for maybe a minute or two).

Then, she stopped fussing, and sat down, at last, her eye going to her wife's face, as her hand took hold of Alphys's left and held it, noting with surprise that Alphys's ring was still on. It oddly comforted her, and she traced it slowly, wondering if Alphys could feel her hands.

There was no reaction.

Alphys looked a little better than she had a few hours ago, but she was obviously very ill. It showed, with shadows under her motionless eyes, her skin pale and cold, her whole body eerily still, save when the ventilator helped her breathe.

Undyne felt tears well up within her, and she inhaled shakily, reaching up for a moment to look under Alphys's eyelid, again, suddenly scared.

But it was still just a little bloodshot and rolled up. Nothing more.

Undyne moved her hand down, tracing Alphys's face as best as she could around the mask, before she moved closer, leaned down, and rested her cheek against Alphys's shoulder.

“Alphy,” she murmured, deciding that it wouldn't hurt to try to wake her this way, even if it was cliché. “Alphy, can you hear me, baby?”

No reaction.

Undyne hadn't realised she'd expected Alphys to react until disappointment made her cry harder, her eye closing.

Then, in a soft, tear-choked voice, Undyne told her what had happened to them both, sans's theories on what it was, _all_ of it.

Even knowing that Alphys probably heard none of it, it comforted Undyne, telling her all of it. It was strange to say it out loud, to actually accept what had happened, and what was happening, still.

But it was also a relief, because she and Alphys always helped each other, when the other could not help herself.

This was no different. 

“Alphy,” she then said. “Why do you think those things? I... read it. Your note. And... and all of it, Alphy, it's just not true... There's no universe that would ever make any of it true, _never_.”

Undyne buried her face into Alphys's shoulder. “Please, come back. It's not true. It's _not_. It never _was_. You belong here, with me. You deserve me. You always have. You always will...”

Her words died, then, and she just cried, holding Alphys's hand, tight.

And all through the night.

* * *

The first thing Tollona did that morning, once she was certain that it was safe for Alphys to wake up as she was, was to remove the ventilator, then change her medication.

Undyne was surprised by the ventilator, and questioned it – until she listened, and heard that, while very soft, Alphys was breathing on her own. When they placed a new mask on, it was only hooked up to oxygen, to help her breathe, not breathe for her.

“I told you she was healing,” Tollona said politely. “She was in a bad state, and wasn't fighting it. But _now,_ it seems like she's trying to fight it...”

The doctor frowned, looking as if she didn't actually have an answer. “She was better this morning, in any case."

She then reached into a plastic bag and took out more bags.

“There are a lot of studies about this,” Tollona said, sounding excited as she showed Undyne the little red-labelled bags of meds.

The names sounded very stupid, and Undyne fancied that chemists named their drugs that way as a last laugh. She frowned at the bags, but listened, anyway.

As it was still before visiting hours, she, Tollona, and Alphys had privacy, and Undyne preferred that, for now.

She wanted to make sure she got everything right.

She wanted Alphys awake.

“A lot of them agreed that, for whatever reason, some medicines used for sleeping – hypnotics – can somehow make a coma patient wake up.”

Undyne frowned more. “Okay. But what if it actually just makes it worse?”

“We're going to give her small doses of a few of them and monitor her. If we see something change, we'll add more.” Tollona hooked up the first bag, set it dripping, and smiled. “This'll take an hour. If it works, it would kick in at about the second hour.”

Undyne added it up. “So not long after visiting hours?” she wondered.

Tollona nodded, but also hesitated. “Undyne, may I be blunt?” When Undyne smiled – she preferred blunt – Tollona did, too. “I think Alphys needs only you, right now.”

“Only me?” Undyne echoed.

“Yes. You're the closest person in the world to her,” Tollona explained. “If anyone can bring her out of a coma, it's you, and just you. I saw how she was with you, Undyne.”

Undyne blushed a little, suddenly shy.

“Alphys looked at you like you were her universe, and only you brought her light,” Tollona murmured, her eyes soft and on Alphys, now. “I honestly think no one and no thing will work without your help.”

“You have it,” she promised. “I'll do it.”

“Alright. I’ll arrange it so that Alphys's meals will go to you, so you can stay here.”

“My friend was coming by with a bag--,” Undyne remembered.

“We'll bring it here once it does, and thank him,” Tollona promised. “But you need this privacy, Undyne. For now, keep talking to her, keep touching her."

And deeply, truly, Undyne agreed, and was happy with the decision.

There was nowhere else she wanted to be.


	28. Alphyswaves

Two hours passed, and Undyne sat with Alphys through it all, even when her breakfast – and later, her bag from Papyrus - arrived.

“Huh!” Undyne said with surprise, poking the tray of food. “Alphy, it doesn't look too bad at all.”

She cut off a piece of the French toast and dipped it in butter and maple syrup – and grinned. “Damn, Alphy, you should wake up just to taste this! It's great!”

And through the whole meal, Undyne described it all to Alphys, the entire time. It was comforting, really, even if Alphys didn't answer. Undyne needed to talk to her, to try and pretend she was awake, so that eventually, it would be true.

When her bag arrived not long after she was done, she checked it out, and grinned; she knew she was right to trust Papyrus, as he not only got Undyne clothes for a week (nice, matching clothes), but he'd also packed a clean outfit for Alphys, for when she was awake.

“He packed you your favourite comfies,” Undyne told her, using Alphys's word for soft, casual clothes she usually only wore around the house. “The shirt with the yellow and blue dogs on a green background, and your black yoga pants.” She noted that there was even underwear for Alphys, and she was both glad and a _little_ weirded out, but knew Papyrus better than _that_.

“You'll look _so cute_ ,” Undyne realised, smiling at Alphys for a moment, picturing her wearing them before this.

She even remembered the first time she saw Alphys wearing them.

Undyne had walked into Alphys's office, after her shift at her temp job ended (the school hadn't opened yet), and found her wearing them.

The shirt was very loose, the sleeves at her elbows, but it looked cute. When Undyne saw her pants, she'd blushed; the yoga pants fit Alphys very well, and accentuated her generous curves wonderfully.

Alphys had jumped, blushing. “Uh,” she'd stammered. “Uh, s-sorry, I'm n-not dressed, I wasn't... I f-forgot--,”

“If you change outta those clothes, I'll _kill_ you,” Undyne had answered, grinning so wide her cheeks hurt. “You are _adorable!”_

And Alphys had hid her face under her shirt collar, making Undyne laugh harder.

But after that, Alphys wore clothes like that more often, but only around the house. And usually, she would find Undyne either in her lap, or in Undyne's lap, before the clothes were removed – something that made Alphys laugh, each time.

Undyne missed that laugh.

She craved it.

She wanted it back.

She wanted _Alphys_ back.

“I can't wait to see you in these, again,” Undyne concluded, her voice soft with grief. “So wake up, soon, okay?”

She stood up, rested Alphys's hand on her stomach, then leaned down and kissed her cheek, before going to Alphys's borrowed closet and hanging up the clothes, crying a little.

Then, she heard it: a soft rustle behind her.

Undyne dropped everything and turned around, going to Alphys's side and sitting down, checking her over for any changes – and found one.

Alphys's hand, the one Undyne had just held, had slid forward, then dropped to the side.

When she took hold of it, it felt a little warm.

“Alphy?” she called, hope so painful that it was physical. “Alphy, can you hear me?”

No reaction.

Undyne glanced up at the bags and saw that the medicine one was empty, and saline was dripping, now.

 _How long ago did it finish?_ Undyne wondered.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she suddenly felt Alphys's fingers twitch in her own.

“Alphy!” she cried, leaning close and touching Alphys's cheek with her other hand.

And Alphys's eyelids flickered, just a little, when Undyne's hand settled in place.

“Oh my god,” Undyne cried, her heart racing. “Alphy, are you awake? Alphy?! _Alphy!!”_

This time, however, nothing happened. Her fingers had relaxed, and so had her eyelids.

Undyne watched, her senses sharp and her breath held, but Alphys didn't react, again.

“Dammit,” Undyne whispered. “Okay. Okay.” She swallowed hard, then said. “Alphy, I'm still here, okay? I'm just gonna finish putting away the clothes. I'm not leaving the room, okay?”

She didn't get a response, but she kissed Alphys's hand, anyway, before she got up and finished with the clothes, shaking hard.

_Did that just happen? Did Alphys respond to me?_

_Did she hear me? Can she still hear me?_

_How does it affect her while still_ there _?_

Whatever it meant, Undyne decided she would keep talking to Alphys, anyway.

She sat back down when she was done, grabbed her phone from the wall (it was fully charged), and opened a browser.

“Wanna watch some Starbomb?” Undyne wondered with a smile.

She got no response, but she slipped an earbud into one of Alphys's very tiny ears gently, the other in one of her own, before she started it.

They got through only one song before Tollona came in, looking windblown. “Undyne!” she cried, holding up several crumpled sheets of paper. “What just happened?!”

Undyne pulled the earplugs out and stared at her, so surprised that she was speechless.

Tollona rushed over to her and held the papers out to her. “Look! Look at the brainwaves, Undyne!”

There, in the middle of sketchy bars of blue, was suddenly a space between those bars, the blue streaks moving away from each other and spreading out, ever so slightly.

“What did you _do_?!” Tollona demanded, looking more spellbound than angry.

“I… was just _talking_ to her,” Undyne admitted weakly. “I was telling her about the food, th-then the clothes I was brought, how she was brought some, too.”

Tollona nodded, so she went on.

“I went to hang them up, but I heard her hand move, and when I held it and called to her…” Undyne stared at Alphys, now. “She reacted, like she could hear me.”

“What time was that?” Tollona asked, her voice now excited.

Undyne estimated, and Tollona did something very unprofessional: she threw her arms up and cheered.

When Undyne looked at the sheet again, she realised why.

The spacing of those brainwaves matched the space of time that Alphys reacted.

In that brief moment, Alphys's brain was _here_ , not _there_.

It was working.

She was waking up.


	29. Almost There

Tollona set up another dose of the same medication, on a slower drip, and then checked Alphys's vitals.

There was no reaction from Alphys, but instead of bringing her down, Undyne was still rather buoyant.

_I got through._

_Somehow, in some way, something happened, and she slipped back._

_And it was because I was here._

_I knew it._

_You_ don't _want to die, Alphy. You just want to live knowing that you earned what you got._

_And you have._

_Long before this, you have._

Tollona sighed, sitting down for a moment; she was still a little winded from her fierce sprint with Alphys's brain's readout.

“We'll figure this out,” the doctor said, her voice soft. “We're already way more ahead that I could’ve ever anticipated.”

“Then we'll keep going,” Undyne agreed, grinning. “We'll keep going, for her, and for us.”

Tollona smiled. “Alright. I'm going to write this up. Keep up what you're doing, okay?”

Undyne nodded, and then, once more, she was alone with Alphys.

She thought for a moment, then grabbed her phone and sat back down beside Alphys, grabbing Alphys's left hand with her own.

“Alright,” she said, keeping her voice clear and calm. “Wanna see what's going on?”

Alphys didn't react, but Undyne pulled up a news site and started reading it aloud, anyway.

Undyne was an impatient woman, but she knew: she was patient enough for _this_.

* * *

For the rest of the day, Alphys was quiet.

Her brainwaves remained the same, and she didn't move or react.

That didn't stop Undyne.

Every time she thought of something she'd usually say to Alphys, she said it – even if it was a question.

 _Especially_ if it was a question, really; Undyne wanted Alphys to hear it, and want to answer.

She commented on each meal, listened to music or the news with her, watched compilation videos of their favourite online shows...

She acted like Alphys just had the flu, instead of being in a coma.

That night, when Tollona did the day's final vitals, ordered several replacement medicines, and wrote everything down, she suggested that Undyne remained, even if she slept.

Undyne was glad, because she'd been ready to fight her on it.

“I have someone at the readout screen,” Tollona then revealed, surprising Undyne. “In rotating shifts, but there will always be someone there to watch Alphys. So if you do fall asleep, and she reacts to something and you miss it, it's okay; we'll have the record of it.”

Undyne stared at her, blinking.

Slowly, she nodded, but then asked, “Can I sleep with her?”

Tollona shook her head, disappointing Undyne. “Not yet, I’m afraid,” the doctor admitted. “She's still pretty fragile right now, even on the mend. Maybe in another day or two.”

Undyne nodded gratefully.

“Try to sleep tonight, okay?” Tollona suggested kindly. “It's fine if you do. She's safe.”

She left, and Undyne leaned over, closing her eye and covering her face, breathing slowly and deliberately.

 _It's gonna take time,_ she told herself. _It could be weeks. Months. It's not gonna just_ happen _..._

_But she reacted..._

_Yes. Which is a good sign._

_But it doesn't mean it'll be over, just like_ that _._

Undyne sighed. She hated logic in this context, but swallowed it, anyway.

So, that night, Undyne decided to try and sleep.

She got into pyjamas that Papyrus packed for her, did her usual night routine, then set up her lounge chair to be as comfortable as possible.

She was just leaning back and resting her head, when she suddenly heard it: a shaky exhale of breath.

Undyne sat up, using the chair to do so, and she grabbed Alphys's hand quickly, leaning close.

“Alphy?” she called, squeezing her hand. “Alphy, can you hear me?”

Undyne’s heart stuttered, then: Alphys's fingers twitched, then curled around Undyne's, ever so lightly. Undyne bit her lip, then swallowed hard and called for Alphys, again.

A sharp inhale, followed by another shaky exhale.

“Alphy!” Undyne called, shaking her hand a little, unaware that she was shaking, herself. “It's me, it's Undyne, are you there?”

Alphys twitched, almost like a flinch, and suddenly, Undyne was on her feet, her hands at Alphys's face.

“Wake up!” Undyne insisted. “Please, Alphy! _Wake up!”_

But then, to Undyne's dismay, Alphys seemed to relax, then just... _stop_ , again.

Undyne shook her gently, calling for her, but nothing happened.

“Dammit!” Undyne sobbed, sitting down hard and resting her face onto Alphys's bed, her face buried into Alphys's hand, its palm against her cheek.

“Alphy...” she sobbed. “Alphy...”

She cried herself to sleep, lying halfway on Alphys's bed, hunched over and small.

* * *

The next day, with Tollona's advice, Undyne started talking to Alphys about their time, together.

“Intimate memories,” Tollona had suggested. “Memories only the two of you would know best. Memories that are filled with love, that will remind her that life _is_ good.”

When left alone, Undyne had no idea how to start.

She was silent for at least a half-hour, her mind terrifyingly blank, as she tried to summon up a good memory.

But she was so sad, missed Alphys so much, that it was hard to focus on anything else.

Then, Undyne’s fingers traced Alphys's wedding ring, again, and she got an idea.

She leaned close, shut her eye, and whispered to her, about their wedding.

How they'd both worn similar dresses, that were both green.

How they'd made faces at each other during the formal ceremony.

How they both cried through their vows.

How, when given the chance, they'd smashed cake into each other's faces—

Alphys twitched, then, and Undyne opened her eye and raised her head. Alphys's eyelids were flickering, but that wasn't it.

That's not what made Undyne cry.

Alphys was _smiling_ , just a little.

It shocked her, but suddenly, she continued, going on about how they'd made a scene, and Alphys sneezed on Asgore—

And Alphys's cheeks actually coloured a little, her smile small with shyness.

Undyne went on, eagerly, her words tumbling out and getting louder, and Alphys kept reacting to it, as if she were there, in that memory, and experiencing it as Undyne reminded her of it.

She even cried, two tiny tears, just as she had, then, when Undyne cleaned her face – and Undyne told her about it.

She'd just made it to the part where they took turns embarrassing Frisk, and Alphys was smiling, again, when the door opened, and a nurse came in, cutting Undyne off.

The moment Undyne stopped speaking, however, Alphys suddenly relaxed – and went expressionless and still.

Undyne almost killed the nurse, she was so angry, but the on-call doctor was right behind her, and stopped Undyne from doing so – but also chastised the nurse, as clearly, it had been an accident.

“She was almost back!” Undyne cried, slumping into her chair and hunching over, picturing the many ways the nurse's head could be separated from their body.

“Then she'll be back, again,” the doctor reassured her.

Undyne wasn't so sure, but that didn't mean she would quit.

Not even close.


	30. Welcome Home

The next day, when they were alone, and Undyne had finished breakfast, she curled up close to Alphys, and whispered to her, as soft as possible, about the time they'd first made love.

She remembered it so easily, so fondly, despite the misery that came, later.

It had been so awkward, so silly, and yet so intense and perfect and just _them_...

Undyne would never forget it. She'd never felt anything like it, before, but she would, again, with Alphys's help.

She hesitated, though, when she got to the part where Alphys ran away, overwhelmed by how good she'd felt and how she didn't think she deserved it.

But it was the truth.

So she told it.

She was glad she did, because Alphys immediately reacted; she stirred, and her expression shifted, fell into one of deep sorrow and shame. Her fingers twitched, as did her eyelids, and softly, so softly, a small sound escaped her, muffled by her oxygen mask.

Undyne had remained still through it all, like a spooked deer, until she heard that sound.

Quickly, she started speaking again, going right to when she found Alphys, helped her clean up, and then held her naked in the bathtub under a blanket and just talked...

And Alphys smiled near the end, her fingers tightening around Undyne's for a moment.

However, when Undyne started to go on, Alphys stopped reacting. She flinched, then relaxed – and went still, again.

Undyne bit her lip, but her eye glinted.

 _That time had been for longer, and it had been more emotional_ , she concluded.

_That's what I need to use._

She grinned.

That she could do.

* * *

It took almost eight more days.

They were gruelling, like torture for Undyne.

They terrified her, because each day Alphys spent in a coma cut down her chances of waking up.

She was also terrified, because Alphys kept reacting to her, kept responding to her – and kept vanishing, again. She slipped through Undyne's fingers, and Undyne yearned to keep her solid and within them.

The night of the seventh day was the hardest, because despite their efforts and progress, a week had finally passed, and Alphys was now considered a vegetative patient.

But, Tollona said, it was in name only, because Alphys's brainwaves automatically cancelled it out with their intensity. Even during her lucid moments, her brainwaves were intense, and thus the new downgrade wasn't _actually_ true, but needed to still be called that, anyway.

“We have to move her in the morning,” Tollona sighed with regret. “I tried, Undyne.”

“I know you did,” Undyne agreed.

Alphys had improved, her physical injuries healing as best as possible without proper food or drink. She had managed to shake off most of the damage caused by her overdose, save the fact that she was still comatose.

She'd even stopped needing an oxygen mask, and just had a nose tube, and only as a precaution.

“Can I stay, anyway?” Undyne wondered.

Tollona agreed, set them both up for the night, and left them alone.

Undyne, however, broke the rules immediately.

She hadn't been able to do this in a week, and she was _starved_.

She crawled onto Alphys's bed, curled up around her as small as possible, and cuddled her, holding Alphys to her.

Immediately, Undyne felt herself relax and calm down, the mere feel of Alphys's softness and weight against her soothing her deeply. She pressed her cheek against Alphys's, slipping an arm behind Alphys's neck, then using that hand to stroke her head, carefully avoiding the electrodes. Her other arm went around her front, and Undyne pressed her hand between Alphys's breasts, and over her heart.

She closed her eye, and buried her face into Alphys's shoulder, sighing deeply. She felt pain that had almost bled her dry vanish, the wounds close up, and she fell asleep quickly, lulled to sleep by Alphys's gentle, soft breaths.

* * *

Undyne woke up suddenly, and confused.

She raised her head, unable to open her eye, yet, when she felt it: Alphys was twitching – a _lot_.

Undyne quickly slipped down and sat up and at the side the bed, leaning down and touching Alphys's shoulders.

Alphys flinched, her expression pained, and she made a soft, tiny noise.

Undyne leaned closer, her eye wide and her heart racing.

“Alphy!” she called. “ _Alphy!”_

Alphys stirred, shaking her head a little – then moaned softly, her eyelids flickering. Her hand suddenly grabbed hold of Undyne's, with a grip so firm it was almost unreal, and Undyne sobbed out with shock, leaning down closer.

 _“Alphy?!”_ she cried, the second she saw Alphys smile – and her face suddenly light up for real.

Her breathing changed, and she was panting, as if she'd just run a marathon and needed water.

Undyne grabbed her chin with one hand, the other still being held by Alphys, and she looked into her wife's face – and saw that she was crying, but with joy.

Undyne threw herself at Alphys, then, her arms going around her tight and her face burying right into the curve of her neck. She felt Alphys shiver – then heard something that made Undyne almost faint.

“Un... dyne...” Alphys rasped out, her voice nothing but a tiny, weak whisper.

But it was the music of the angels to Undyne, and she sobbed out Alphys's name, more than once, grinning and crying and, best of all, holding her wife, again.

She then felt Alphys's fingers tangle and snag into her shirt. She'd moved them, not only on her own, but raised them up to try and hug Undyne back.

“You…” Alphys went on, making Undyne's heart sing – then stutter with confusion. “…w-waited f-for m-m-me...”

Her hands fumbled a little, then grabbed hold, again. Undyne blinked at her, a chill going through her.

_Waited for you? What does that mean?_

“Wh... what is...? Where is...?” Alphys added, sounding confused, but also strangely happy about it.

 _Wait_...

Undyne struggled to calm down, choking several times before she could. “Alphys,” she managed, “do you know where you are...?”

“De... dead...”

Alphys shuddered, then, and Undyne sobbed, the sound harsh and broken.

 _Even now... even now... she still thinks she's dead, and looks_ fine _with it..._

 _“No_ , baby,” Undyne whispered sadly, stroking Alphys's cheek with one hand, the other at the back of Alphys’s head, holding her close. “Alphy... you... you survived your overdose, love. You're in the hospital.”

Alphys went still, so still that Undyne was frightened that she'd slipped back into her coma.

“Undyne...?” Alphys cried, sounding lost and tormented. “Help me... What... wh-what ha-happened...?”

Undyne crawled back onto the cot, pulled Alphys to her, and told her everything: that she wasn't dead, that she'd been right about some things, but certainly not all.

And that she was back where she _belonged_.

The moment Undyne said that, Alphys keened out, then clung to her tight, bursting into the kind of tears only a conscious person could ever made.

She didn't know everything, yet, but what she did know was enough to make her cling to Undyne and just _bawl_ out her sorrow, her pain, the depths of which Undyne had yet to even understand.

But now, together, it was time.

_It's finally time._

**END OF PART THREE**


	31. Hungers and Thirsts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were Undyne, wouldn't you react the same way? Yes. The answer is yes.

**PART FOUR: THE FUTURE**

The first thing Alphys said, when they were both calm, Undyne explained a simplified version of what had happened, was ridiculous. 

Alphys snorted out, “S-some... M-M- _Matrix_ bullshit, r-right there.”

“No, more like _The Odyssey_ ,” Undyne replied, surprising Alphys.

“By Homer?”

“Nah, YTV.”

Alphys spluttered out a soft noise of surprise. “You remember that old show?”

“Better than I do about anything by Homer.”

Alphys giggled softly.

The sound surprised Undyne so much that she laughed, then burst into tears, burying her face into Alphys's shoulder and clinging onto her tight.

Clumsily, Alphys reached up and tried to stroke her hair, feeling sluggish, weak, and confused.

But happy. _So_ happy.

Because Undyne was here, with her, and alive.

_She didn't die. Frisk didn't kill her._

_She's right here, safe, Joking, even laughing..._

_And with me..._

Alphys started to cry, then, leaning down and trying to pull Undyne closer, but her hands tangled in Undyne's hair, and she whined in frustration.

Undyne smiled as she freed Alphys's hands, still crying. She then held them, kissing each palm, and Alphys pressed them to Undyne's cheeks.

“Undyne...” she whispered, her eyes dark and warm.

Undyne met her gaze, her own expression soft and tender, and when Alphys pulled on her face, Undyne leaned close.

They kissed, and it was like something wonderful, water to a parched throat, food to a malnourished body.

Drug to an addicted mind...

 _“Fuck,”_ Undyne whispered against Alphys's lips, before sliding closer and kissing her, again, wrapping around her carefully.

Alphys purred, her whole body shaking. For her, it had almost been a _year_ since she'd not only kissed Undyne, but _anyone_.

She'd been so lonely, kept sane by dreams that were memories, and now, _finally_ , she was not.

And neither was Undyne. Which was her only explanation for how she behaved, next.

Undyne pushed herself down against Alphys, pressing atop her halfway, before she pulled Alphys closer and kissed her deeper. Alphys shifted shakily against her, deepening their kiss and shifting to trap one Undyne’s legs between her own, ignoring her blankets. Undyne groaned, especially when Alphys managed to slip her own leg between Undyne's.

Neither of their brains, nor bodies, remembered where they were or why they should care, both desperate and hungry for their other half, both deprived too long...

And it was then that Undyne leaned back – and threw her shirt off.

Which was also exactly when Tollona walked in.

Neither noticed it, at first, as Undyne had pressed down again and resumed kissing Alphys, something Alphys was desperate for – especially when her hands slid up Undyne's sides, clumsy and shaky, but soft, _so soft_...

Then, they heard _, “What is happening?!”_

They jolted, then broke apart, both going scarlet with shock and confusion.

But when Tollona saw Alphys – saw that she was not only awake, but _very_ awake – Tollona ignored Undyne's toplessness and inappropriate leg positioning, and went to Alphys's other side.

Undyne quickly pulled away, scrambling for her shirt, and Alphys turned to the doctor, dizzy and aroused and, strangely, _very_ hungry.

“Doctor Alphys,” Tollona said slowly, sitting down and keeping eye contact. “Can you answer a few questions for me?”

Alphys stared back wearily, wanting Undyne back and forgetting why making out with her wasn't a good idea, right now.

“Why?” she asked, lying back and catching her breath. She felt Undyne sit down on her other side, taking her hand, and Alphys held it tight.

“Humour me,” Tollona replied, shooting a meaningful glance at Undyne, one that clearly read, _Pay attention._

Alphys shrugged and nodded. “After, th-though, m-may I have... p-pain meds?”

Tollona looked surprised. “Are you in pain?”

Alphys nodded, feeling shame. She didn't like asking for it, especially since it had – she _thought_ – killed her. But couldn’t concentrate too well; her whole body ached.

Part of her still wondered if _this_ was a hallucination, too, brought on by a dying mind...

Tollona picked up her phone and ordered it, then asked her first question. “Alphys, what day is it?”

Alphys blinked slowly at her, as if the question truly stumped her.

“Uh...” she stammered. “I... th-think...”

She frowned, doing some math. “It-it's... M-May...?”

Undyne felt a cold chill.

It wasn't even _close_ to May; it was nearer to the end of _September_.

“Oh...” Alphys turned to Undyne. “Undyne, I-I m-missed..." Her eyes filled with tears. "...our anniversary...”

It was true – but only by mere days; she'd overdosed three days before it.

Which, Undyne realised with shock, made _sense_.

 _The night before the Barrier Anniversary, and three before our_ own _..._

_She'd been so broken..._

“Alphy,” Undyne whispered, “It's okay, love. I...” She looked to Tollona, who nodded. “It's... been about ten days, Alphy.”

Alphys stared at her, the colour leeched from her face, and she felt her vision blur with shock.

 _No_ , she thought, shaking her head. _I spent two weeks locked in the East Wing of the Palace, then another three weeks in the infirmary._

_And then after that, almost eight months... eight whole months..._

Then, she'd died.

And woke up, _here_.

“It's... no,” Alphys said weakly, shaking, now. “It-it's b-been... _nine months_...”

She looked at her doctor, then her wife, who wore the same expression.

“R-right?” she pressed.

But she saw the answer on their faces, and shrank back.

“H-how is th-that possible?” she demanded.

“We don't know, yet,” Tollona admitted gently. “But we your help, we can figure it out. For now, though...”

She smiled kindly. “Let's get some fresh meds, and maybe something sweet to drink. Sound good?”

It sounded like heaven to Alphys, and she nodded eagerly.

Tollona stood up and touched Alphys's shoulder, gently. “Welcome back, Doctor. You were missed.”

Alphys was pale when Tollona shut the door, her hands trembling. She looked at Undyne, who was moving to sit on her lounge chair.

“I was missed...?” she echoed, confused.

Undyne stared at her, biting her lip, hard, to keep her tears swallowed, for now. She nodded, taking one of her hands.

Alphys looked at it – the gasped, and pulled hers away, looking at it.

And she laughed, her eyes filling with tears. She touched her wedding ring gently; it needed cleaning, a little tarnished, but its blue and white gems still glittered bright.

“ _There_ you are,” she whispered. "I... remembered, but almost... almost forgot about... I…”

Her face fell, as did her hands, and she closed her eyes.

Undyne had watched her through it all, and once Alphys dropped, Undyne touched her shoulder, rubbing it gently.

“Undyne,” Alphys then whispered, her eyes shut tight. “It... it's so _confusing_... It was like, some part of me remembered _here_ , and I kept having memory-dreams of our time together--,”

That made Undyne sit up – and light up – but Alphys went on.

“And yet... I told myself they were dreams...” She shuddered. “And now, if I’m awake and in what I _thought_ were dreams, what was _that place_ , then? Why was it so _real_? Just... _why_ , Undyne?!”

Her words had tumbled out, stammering and sniffling; by the end, she was in tears.

“I'm scared, Undyne,” she cried, covering her face with her hands. “I don't want to go back. I don't want to wake up, there, ever again... I… I'd... it would…”

But she couldn't say it.

Not yet.

So instead, she said, “I'm scared, and I need you.”

“You have me, Alphy,” Undyne answered firmly, and Alphys raised her eyes. “I _never_ left _. I never will_."

 _Yes you did,_ Alphys thought.

_I remember that pain._

_I still feel it._

_It was real._

_Wait._

“I felt pain,” she whispered, startling Undyne. “I felt pain, and could read, and couldn't mentally change the environment around me.”

Undyne blinked, the one confused, now.

“You can't do any of that in _real_ dreams,” Alphys rasped out, her eyes silently willing with tears. “But I felt _every_ _second_ of pain, could read _every_ word I had to write, could _recite it_ while reading it to everyone...”

She paused, her expression falling. "I could never change the world around me with just a thought. It was stuck that way, no matter how hard I tried..."

Undyne's mind was swimming, now, with her own confusion, and she placed a hand on Alphys's knee.

“Alphy,” she begged. “Tell me _everything_.”

Alphys searched her face, her tears spilling over, before she nodded slowly.

“But it's very long,” she admitted.

“I have all the time in the world,” Undyne replied. "Especially for you."

They were briefly interrupted by a nurse, who refreshed and hooked up pain medicine to Alphys's IV. He then handed Alphys a cup of orange liquid, with a straw, and told her to sip - not gulp - it until it was done.

When he was gone, Alphys leaned back and closed her eyes, feeling immediate relief - and immediate strength.

Then, she felt Undyne move closer, and take hold of her hand.

“Tell me?” Undyne asked.

Alphys took a few sips, closing her eyes with pleasure when she registered it: electrolyte juice, thick and sweet – exactly what she needed.

Then, between further sips, Alphys held Undyne's hand, and began.

“I woke up alone, in the Palace...”

And Undyne listened, desperate to hear it all.


	32. You Were Missed

Undyne listened, allowing her wife's voice to wash over her, even as she stammered on some parts, cried at others, and then was eerily calm for the rest.

Undyne cried, too, but listened, asking questions rarely but when she felt she needed to, to understand.

When Alphys finally finished, she burst into tears for real, shoving aside the now-empty cup and curling up on her side – but oddly, unlike her – facing Undyne.

Undyne was surprised, because Alphys usually preferred – and made it a thing – to hide, because she hated it when Undyne saw her cry.

But here she was, not only crying before her, but still holding her hand, when again, she usually curled away and never wanted to touch anyone.

Undyne knew, then, that something had changed in Alphys.

And she was right; after months of being denied Undyne's love, present only in her brain; forced to settle only for _dreams_ (dreams, she now knew, came from Undyne's care)...

And now, she was here, in a hospital, yes – but with Undyne.

“Are... are we... st-still m-m-married?” she asked suddenly, frightened by the prospect of it.

Undyne sighed and held up Alphys's left hand with her own, and glowered at her; she was clearly still wearing her ring. 

Oddly, this made Alphys feel better, and she smiled, blushing. “S-sorry...”

“No, Alphy, I kinda get it.” Undyne lowered their hands. “You were... a widow, kinda... for almost a year.”

Alphys nodded: that was it, that was _exactly_ it, and she pulled Undyne's hand to her chest, closing her eyes.

Then, to Undyne's surprise, Alphys tucked Undyne's hand beneath the collar of her gown, and held it over her heart.

She sniffled, then concentrated – and her soul touched Undyne's palm.

Undyne reeled, her eye flaring before closing, and she hunched over, her hand twitching, her other hand holding the handrail of Alphys's bed to keep upright.

 _Love_.

_So much of it._

_So warm and full, but tattered and recently mended._

Alphys bit her lip, then opened her soul completely.

With it, within it, Undyne felt Alphys’s emotions like she would her own: shame and regret, addiction and withdrawal, helplessness and hopelessness...

Then, something Undyne had never known, before.

_Queen Alphys._

The monarch who'd been _forced_ to rule, for the last seven months of her life, who'd spent those last shreds doing all she could to improve the Underground, to repair it, as best as she could.

And all with altruism.

Before she, had to abandon it, too. And without a choice, because of her past failures, her constant fuck-ups... 

But Undyne didn't focus on the mistakes, the missteps, the fury-filled days and the agonized, sleepless nights...

She focused on the fact that Alphys had, while she acted as Queen, not only found purpose – but _life_ , again.

“It's _cruel_ ,” Undyne whispered out, tears running down her cheeks. “It's _so_ cruel, that you did so well, and still had to give _that_ all up, too – just like you were gonna give _this_ up...”

“But without a choice, and right when I found a reason to live,” Alphys whispered. “The greatest irony of all.”

Undyne swallowed, then grabbed Alphys's hand and dragged it to her own chest, placing her palm over her heart, and then reaching out with her own soul.

And Alphys reeled, as at that moment, their souls touched and connected, and their entire world was only that: their connection.

Undyne had grieved.

 _Deeply_.

She'd panicked, been sedated, given up, screamed against fate.

Then, she picked herself back up, and decided to fight back, to rescue her wife, who clearly could not do it on her own.

To save Alphys, even when she begged Undyne not to...

She would’ve followed Alphys to _that place_ and back, if she could've, if it meant her wife was home and safe – and _alive_.

 _“Undyne, I’m_ _so sorry_...” Alphys cried, because she could see how badly her suicide - _attempt_ , _suicide_   _attempt_ , she reminded herself - had hurt Undyne, when it was her exact opposite intent.

But Undyne shook her head, concentrating harder, to show her that she'd read Alphys's note, disagreed with all of it and why, but had already forgiven her, knowing what she did now about what she had been going through.

Undyne wasn't sure if she could've lasted as long, in Alphys's place.

And it was a thought that shocked them both, because it was honest.

Undyne was Alphys's universe.

But Alphys was Undyne's _soul_.

Without Alphys, Undyne simply _couldn't_ live – no matter how difficult it got while with her.

It was better, that occasional suffering, than not having her soulmate in her life at all, and suffering alongside her, forever.

And Alphys finally understood - and accepted it, at last.

Slowly, they pulled away, and then hugged, hard, holding each other close and weeping, rocking each other slowly as their tears ran fast.


	33. Misplaced And Replaced Feelings

The day was a long one.

By now, Undyne was certain that everyone knew Alphys was awake, and probably were desperate to see her – especially since they'd all been denied seeing her for days, now.

But Alphys went pale at the idea. She shook her head immediately, and when her eyes met Undyne's, they were fearful.

“Th-they'll think I-I'm crazy,” she whispered. “And they probably h-hate me for trying to... th- _thing_...”

“I don't think so, but if you really don't want anyone to--,”

Undyne was cut off when the door opened, and sans walked in.

Alphys went even paler, shrinking down in her bed for a moment, and Undyne was so concerned that she forgot about sans in seconds.

But sans didn't allow himself to be forgotten.

“doc,” he said, the moment he stood beside Undyne.

Alphys raised her head, then shakily nodded, swallowing hard.

It was strange, seeing him like this, after seeing him differently for so long.

Here, she knew, she and sans were friends, and had been since they reunited at the barrier.

But even then, he'd never told her why he'd kept his distance; just that he couldn't be mad at her in a world like this.

Now she knew.

She knew, and she was ashamed, because even when she could have – and _should_ have, for both of their sakes' – she still hadn't been able to love him.

She even remembered his words, one evening, three months into her reign.

_She'd broken down at dinner, then dismissed herself and vanished._

_When he'd found out, he'd followed her to her room and asked her what was wrong._

_“Th-this day is-is wrong,” she stammered, though she wasn't sure_ why _the day was wrong, not then. “I hate this, s-sans, I_ hate _this... I d-don’t… I c-can't...”_

_And she slid down the wall of her room, down to the floor, and curled up, bursting into tears._

_He said nothing, at first; he just went over and sat down next to her, placing a hand on her arm, lightly._

_“I don't th-think... I c-can be Queen any-anymore,” she sobbed out, her claws digging into her knees, even through thick robes she knew she_ had _to wear, to play her part..._

 _“yes, you can,” he answered sharply. “don't even_ think _about giving up, doc.”_

 _“It's_ all _I can think about.”_

_He then crossed that line, and moved closer, grabbing hold of her face and pulling it up from her knees._

_She was stunned at first, surprised by it, when he suddenly shut his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers, his palms rubbing her cheeks._

_She froze._

_For a moment, something in her responded, something desperate and still bleeding, and she closed her eyes, reaching up and placing her own palms upon his face._

_He started to tremble, before he whispered out, “please...”_

_And she was seconds from saying yes, something about the day stirring agony within her, and the need to be intimate –_ somehow _– with someone else, someone who knew her pains, who understood them, who never gave up on her—_

_Her eyes snapped open, and she jerked away, stumbling back and tripping on her robe, ripping part of its hem._

_Only one face came to mind when she put all of that together._

_And it wasn't his._

_He slumped down, leaning back against the wall, his eyes open and wide, and his hands held up and empty._

_“I can't,” she whispered, hating herself for it but knowing it was the truth. “I... I can't.”_

_“Because you still love_ her _,” Sans snapped, his eyes closed and his hands at his sides. “You will always prefer a_ ghost _– not even a ghost, just_ dust _!”_

_And she hurled a fist of lightning at him, aiming for him, but so that each bolt barely missed him._

_She didn't want to hurt him._

_So she needed him gone._

“Get out!” _she screamed._

_And he did, slamming the door behind him – and leaving her alone to her sobs - and crumbling heart and soul._

Now, she remembered why that day had been bad: because it was the day she and Undyne had first made love – _here_.

Seeing him now, remembering that, shamed her, and she felt terrible. She didn't regret her decision – it was the right one, and he'd been cruel, even when he'd known it, too – but she still felt sorry, anyway.

The moment their eyes met, sans stopped – then flinched, looking away and scratching at the back of his skull, embarrassed.

“god _dammit_ ,” he muttered. “you know.”

Alphys nodded slowly.

“Know what?” Undyne demanded, looking slightly suspicious; the look Alphys wore was similar to one she wore when she felt guilty over something.

“look,” sans began, rubbing his face with his other hand and sighing. “i figured, so i'm glad i barged in. alphys, doc, listen.”

And their eyes met.

Alphys's wavered; the eyes she looked into now were so bright, so much happier, than the eyes of the sans she'd left behind.

But then, she narrowed her eyes, blinking.

So _much happier_ , she realised.

“You _don't_ ,” she blurted out.

“not for years,” he agreed.

And she lit up, so brightly that it shocked both sans and Undyne, and she pushed herself up and hugged him, tight.

“Thank you,” she sobbed. “I don't want to lose you. You're a good friend!”

“yeah, well, maybe _that_ needs to improve,” he sighed, hugging her back for a moment before letting her go. “if i'd been a _better_ friend, you'd would've known to come right to me, and this, _maybe_ , could've been avoided.”

Alphys's smile faded a little.

That was true.

She knew sans understood things that she did not, just like she did with things he did not.

If they _had_ been closer, and she'd told him from the start, right away, he would've been able to correct her – and keep her here.

“Okay,” Undyne growled, waving a hand between them. “Hi, yes, hello, I’m still fucking sitting here, remember?!”

In reply, Alphys hugged her, and there was little Undyne could do in response to that, save smile dopily and melt a little in Alphys's arms, hugging back tight.

“you can tell her,” sans said, his voice soft.

Alphys looked over Undyne's shoulder at him, her look withering; of _course_ she would tell Undyne, whether he allowed it or not.

He seemed to get it, and he coughed. “assuming you haven't, already,” he added.

“Can you...?” Alphys started shyly, but sans nodded, smiling at her.

“i'll be the messenger-boy,” he replied. “but no visitors yet, yeah?”

Alphys blushed, hiding her face in Undyne's shoulder.

The thing was, she wanted to see everyone, and was rather excited to do so.

But she was so ashamed of her behaviour, and knew she would never be forgiven.

“You already have been,” Undyne suddenly whispered, kissing her cheek.

Alphys looked up at her, surprised, but Undyne smiled and tapped a finger to Alphys's chest.

Then, Alphys went scarlet, squeaking out, “S-so th-then, you kn-know about--?”

“Nope,” Undyne corrected. “So piss off, sans, so my wife and I can gossip – and you can, too. And, yeah--," she added quickly, "--no visitors, yet."

He laughed, a sound that startled Alphys; she hadn't heard it in so long that it sounded alien to her.

“got it. but don't blame me if they come, anyway.”

And he squeezed Alphys's hand, then Undyne's, before he winked – and actually left out the door.

“Spill, please,” Undyne demanded cheerfully.

Alphys smiled, curled up closer against Undyne, and nodded.

This time, she told the parts she'd had to leave out, before, and each one made her feel guilt and shame.

But Undyne merely kissed her several times when she'd run out of words, and said, “Yep.”

Alphys peered up at her. “Yep?” she echoed.

“I knew. Papyrus told me.”

Alphys hid her face, again, squeaking out a long growl of high-pitched embarrassment.

“ _Why_...?” she whined.

“Because I wasn't sure that's what you meant, duh,” Undyne replied happily, hugging Alphys tighter.

Alphys decided to leave it at that, not wanting to know how Undyne felt about it, or how it affected her own feelings for Alphys.

All she cared about was now.

_Here._

_This place._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow, I will be finishing this up. :D


	34. A Diva and a Distraction

Alphys was dozing lightly when the door burst open, startling both her and Undyne, into looking up.

Neither were expecting anyone, not even a nurse or Dr Tollona, and had been rather enjoying this bubble of cuddle.

Alas, because of Undyne's wandering focus, this was indeed her fault.

Mettaton stood in the doorway, his face enraged, his entire metal body flawless – and trembling.

“Ah, shit,” Undyne sighed, lowering her head and slapping her palm to her forehead with a wince.

 _“I could kill you,”_ Mettaton declared, his voice silky with his rage.

If he'd yelled, Undyne would've been fine, because it meant she could yell back, to cover up her own embarrassment.

But, no. He was quiet, the eye not hidden by hair fixed on Undyne's and blazing.

“You could not,” she answered, but inwardly, she felt terrible.

“I _should_.”

Undyne sighed. “Okay, that one I’ll give you.”

 _“Metta!”_ Alphys suddenly cried, scrambling up and trying to get to her feet, completely forgetting how many wires she was attached to – and how weak she still was.

But she didn't care; she hadn't seen him in nine months - _longer_ , even – and the last time she had, it was on a television broadcast while that version of Frisk _murdered him._

He went over, looking concerned, just as she tumbled forward. He caught her, and she hugged him, tight, bursting into tears and sobbing out his name, again.

She felt Undyne touch her shoulder, lightly, but stay quiet. Alphys had told her, and understood this reaction – and felt even worse for inadvertently causing it.

But Mettaton had had no prior warning; he hadn't even known about Alphys's dreams, let alone her suicide attempt. It had been Frisk, who'd called him in tears to tell him, that he learnt what happened.

And it had taken him a week to get back to Ebott, something that infuriated him, further. Because if he'd been told sooner, he would’ve been here so much sooner.

Another thing Undyne came to regret.

“Metta,” Alphys sobbed, forgetting her shame and guilt, forgetting her cowardice with her medicine, and finally forgetting the horrible images she'd seen of him. She dug her claws into his back and cried, so relieved, despite knowing better, by now.

Mettaton was stunned, and he held her tight, kissing her forehead and closing his eyes. “Hey,” he whispered. “Hey.”

“ _Metta_...” Alphys answered, a long, drawn-out sob of deep regret, and she couldn't say anything else – save wordless sobs.

Undyne looked up at Mettaton, just as he was looking down at her. He glared for a moment, until he looked at her closer – and bit his lip.

Undyne was still fragile, herself, despite her bravado, and clearly knew she'd fucked up, and was sorry.

He reached out and covered her hand, the one she held upon Alphys's back, and she closed her eye and nodded, lowering her head. He saw it, then: tears.

And immediately, he forgave her.

But that didn't mean he would never tease her over it, of course.

“I’m sorry,” Alphys suddenly cried. “It's not strong enough, Metta! I-I need to get you t-to the Lab, to get you a-a better body, better upgrades, better--,”

“Alphysy, good _lord_ , why?” he wondered, leaning back and looking at her face closely, smiling kindly.

She sniffled, her tears constant and quick, but she nodded, anyway.

“Why would I need any of those things?” he asked again. “We're in peace-time.”

Undyne flipped her hand over to squeeze his. “Frisk doesn't know all of it, so neither do you, but... just, for now, accept.”

Alphys nodded, her claws digging in harder, and he blinked with surprise. “Okay,” he agreed.

Alphys sobbed out her gratitude and clung to him.

(When he did eventually learn why, he took her out for a spa day and made sure she wanted for nothing.)

* * *

“Nobody wants to tell me _everything_ ,” Frisk blurted out suddenly, surprising Alphys into waking up more and opening her eyes.

She and Frisk were alone, as Frisk offered to keep Alphys company while their parents and Undyne went to grab food – Frisk included.

Since it was only four hours after she'd woken up, Alphys was unable to experience the joys of real food yet. But she didn't mind enjoying it secondhand, for now.

But while Alphys had been dozing, she was now wide awake, and she sat her bed up to peer at her human friend closer, confused.

“Tell you everything?” Alphys echoed softly, rubbing her eyes for a moment. “Frisk, I don't think--,”

“They wouldn't tell me how you _got_ here, and _why_ you were comatose,” Frisk snapped. “I had to beg them to. And now, everyone is hiding something again from me, and I’m angry, Alphys.”

Alphys swallowed hard. “D-don't be mad at _me_. I... _I’m_ not the one refusing to explain...”

Frisk's expression softened. “Sorry,” they admitted. “I know. You're stuck in here.” They bit their lip, then added, “I know _you_ would be honest with me.”

Alphys nodded right away. When they'd met, even that nod would've been a lie.

But now, Alphys never lied to Frisk. And Frisk knew it.

“What are time-lights?” Frisk asked.

Alphys blinked hard, confused. “I... I don't know,” she admitted; sans had yet to explain that to her. “Explain them?”

“I dunno, either,” Frisk muttered. “At least I now know what alphyswaves are.”

Alphys started, then went scarlet. “I'm s-sorry, _what_ -waves?!”

Frisk laughed, surprising them both, and for once, Frisk was happy to share information to someone else for a change.

Alphys was crimson by the end, shaking her head. “No!” she insisted, scandalised. “I don't want anything after me, please!”

Frisk snorted. “Too late; it's already in your paperwork.”

Alphys groaned and laid back, covering her face, and again, Frisk chuckled.

Then, Frisk asked, “Alphys, what happened?”

Alphys lowered her hands. “Honestly, Frisk?” she replied.

When the human nodded, Alphys shook her head. “I don't even really know. All Undyne told me was that I somehow dreamt up an alternate timeline, and was literally living it.”

Frisk blinked with surprise, their eyes wide – when seen – before something in them focused, and Frisk covered their mouth with one hand, shaking their head.

“ _Oh_ ,” they murmured, their voice muffled. “I... I think I know what time-lights are. And... and what that means.”

“Then _you_ actually know more than _me_ ,” Alphys replied wearily.

She was tired; she hadn't truly slept since waking up, even with pain medicine, as she'd refused to let herself. She made sure something or someone kept distracting her, and luckily, they all felt the same way.

Even if most of them snuck in behind Tollona's back...

Because once more, Alphys was afraid to sleep.

Frisk lowered their hand and said, very softly, what they thought time-lights were, and what they meant.

And then, together, they both made the connection – and Alphys finally realised why she'd felt pain, could read, and could never change a thing.

She cried, shocked by this.

Sure, she and sans had _joked_ in the past that there were alternate timelines for _everything_ , even when it came to the mundane, like having a coffee or having a tea.

But she had never really _believed_ it to be true.

_I really should've gone to sans, first._

_Dammit._

But finally, both she and Frisk had the answers.

And that was something; it made them both rather happy and smug for when the others returned, and it honestly just served to cheer them all up even better.

Soon, however, Alphys would have to face sleep, yet again.

And she was terrified.


	35. I Forget To Worry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to you, dear Joyce. You know why.

But soon, night fell, and Alphys was _exhausted_.

No matter how much juice they gave her, she couldn't stay awake, and the staff were actually starting to get frustrated with her for not even trying to sleep.

She couldn't help it; she was petrified of sleep.

Undyne, however, knew. She cornered Tollona when she could, and asked her, “Can Alphy go home tonight?”

“I wish she could. She's earned it,” Tollona sighed. “But we need to keep monitoring her, especially her brain, for now. While she's recovered physically – mostly – she just woke up, and... there's always a tiny, _tiny_ chance that she could... lapse back into her coma.”

Undyne almost punched her out for that.

She even had her hand balled up and was raising it before she got a hold of herself.

“You _never_ said there was a chance of that,” Undyne hissed.

“Not in front of Alphys, no,” Tollona agreed. “Because if she knows, it could trigger it entirely by accident.”

“And she's already so scared,” Undyne sighed, rubbing her eye with the fist she'd raised, to hide her gaff. “Okay. Then can I stay, again?”

That, Tollona agreed with, and once everyone else had been kicked out (Mettaton complained the loudest), Tollona went to Alphys's side to check her over for the night.

“Are you in pain?” Tollona asked, checking the IV bags.

Alphys said nothing, looking away.

She was, but she didn't want to say so, because she was terrified that if she kept taking morphine, she would get addicted, again, like she had in _that place._

“Yes, she's in pain,” Undyne said softly. Alphys flinched, but Undyne rubbed her shoulder. “She _is_. Please, if possible, give her something?”

Alphys shook her head, unable to speak.

She couldn't explain it: the shame of allowing herself to get so addicted, to crave numbness and distant relief for mere hours, at the expense of her body and mind...

 _This is different,_ she suddenly thought to herself.

_You know you are an addict, now._

_You always have been._

_You always will be._

_Therefore, you need to learn how to know when you need to stop, and when you need to ask for help to stop._

_You're not alone, this time._

_Look around you._

This _is the truth._

Alphys shivered, curling up into a small ball, before, finally, she nodded, and Undyne relaxed with relief.

Once Alphys was medicated and resting, it was time to - at least try to - sleep. 

“Alphy,” Undyne murmured, as she turned the lights down and pulled the curtains around her bed. “Tell me. Anything, okay? Just say it: what do you need from me, to help you sleep?”

“Your voice,” Alphys blurted out, surprising herself.

But then again, no. It _wasn't_ surprising.

She'd been deprived of Undyne's voice for months, had spent hours begging, yearning, _screaming_ for her right to hear it, again.

Undyne used to sing - _no,_ still _sings! -_ a lot.

She played songs they'd both adored, both perfectly as well as off-tune and key-mashing, added to the fact that she sung in the shower, and hummed when she worked...

Alphys had craved _all_ of it.

Undyne sat down, then, taking Alphys's held-out hand within her own, and smiled, nodding – and making Alphys's heart heal even more.

“What song, baby?”

“ _Hunger_ ,” Alphys answered immediately, her eyes filling with tears.

For a moment, Undyne's did, too, shocked by it.

It was a strangely intimate song, by itself, but in this context...

…in _this_ context, it was _perfect_.

Undyne cleared her throat, leaned down and rested her head on Alphys's shoulder, and closed her eye.

Then, she started to sing.

Alphys stared at her through it all, crying as softly as possible, holding Undyne's hands tight.

Undyne kept her eye closed, knowing that she would cry, too, if she looked.

Despite that, her voice broke several times.

On the last line of the first chorus; first line of the second verse; and on the words, “ _Tell me what you need,”_ and _“don't let ‘em get you down, you're the best thing I’ve seen”._

But especially on the words, “ _How could anything bad ever happen to you? You make a fool of Death with your beauty...”_

And she broke down, at last, on the last sentence…

“… _and for a moment, I forget to worry_...”

By then, luckily, Alphys was asleep, unable to stay awake. Undyne’s voice broke and stammered, but to Alphys, she sounded _glorious_.

She was lulled closer to sleep by the end of the second verse, and was out completely just as Undyne finished.

Undyne was glad.

Her mind was swimming with the words she'd just sung, sung to her lonely, broken, desperate wife, so that she could face sleep and be brave...

_“How could anything bad ever happen to you...?”_

Undyne kept her face hidden in Alphys's shoulder, weeping softly, until she ran out of tears.

Then, she leaned back in her chair to sleep, herself, shaky and tired and running out of steam, quickly.

But she kept Alphys's hand in her lap, the entire night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/5GHXEGz3PJg


	36. So Darkness, I Became

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, I'm going to bed now, stop nagging me.

Alphys _did_ dream.

And she _did_ dream of _that place._

But it was entirely different.

* * *

_“Where are you...?”_

_Alphys heard these words, in a familiar, deeply unsettling voice._

_She opened her eyes, and found herself in the Royal Garden._

_She'd never set foot here, even when she'd moved into the Palace, ever._

_She'd tried, but never succeeded._

This isn't a memory, _she realised with shock._

What is this?

_It was nighttime, she saw, too. She had never seen the garden in the dark, before, and was amazed by how hauntingly beautiful it was._

_Her clothes were strange, too: she wore her hospital gown..._

_The one she'd..._

_...died in._

Oh _..._

_She looked around, her eyes adjusting to the dark, and finally, she made out a familiar shadow._

Sans _._

_She looked closer, and saw that he was kneeling in front of a throne._

Mine _, she realised, a hand going to her chest._ That's my throne, the one they made just for me... 

How did it even get in here...?

_Sans was kneeling before it, hunched over and prostrated, save his arms; they were raised, and his palms were flat, toward the ceiling._

_Alphys's heart ached._

He must've had someone move it here, so he could... mourn in peace _... she concluded sadly._

 _“Please. Mercy, Alphys..._ Please _...”_

_Alphys closed her eyes. She had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep herself quiet, and when she felt no pain, her eyes opened._

_With that, she was calm._

_She now knew what this was._

_She took a step forward, and, as she expected, she made no sound. When her feet landed on the greenish-blue blossoms, they did no damage, didn't even rustle them._

_As she got closer, she saw that her crown was upon the seat of the throne. No, wait, that wasn't right. It was placed upon a jar, like it was wearing it._

_The jar was engraved; she noted this with eerie calm._

_She squinted, and it said exactly what she knew it would._

_Her full name, her birthday... and her deathday._

_Strangely, it didn't scare her._

_Because truly, she'd faced death, and managed to stay alive._

_Twice._

_Death, the concept, didn't scare her._

_But losing the ones she loved did._

_And before her was a friend she loved, in both timelines, begging her dust to let him die._

Nope _, she thought, like he always snapped at her when she'd begged him for Mercy._

_She walked closer, and she could hear it: his heart was beating, loud enough for her to hear – and for it to be the loudest sound in the room._

_It was so dark, and it looked like the moon and stars had been snuffed out, keeping Sans trapped in this horrible, painful darkness, in the shadow of a love she could never give him._

_So, she slipped closer._

He's trapped in the darkness?

Fine.

I'll stay in the darkness, too.

Until he's strong enough to stand, in heart and mind.

_She stopped beside him, then knelt down beside him, remaining sitting up. She touched his shoulder, expecting her hand to go through._

_But it didn't._

_It remained, and he jumped, looking up quickly and turning toward her._

_And suddenly, their eyes met, and his lit back to life._

_They were as dim as possible without being gone, but at least_ those _stars hadn't been blown out._

_Alphys swallowed, about to speak, but he said, “you left me, here, in the dark.”_

_Alphys nodded, her eyes filling with tears._

_“are you even real?” he wondered, looking scared and pained, but hopeful – and angry that he was hopeful._

_He reached up shakily, placing his hand upon her cheek._

_When it remained, this was the first time she consciously allowed him to keep it there._

_She closed her eyes briefly, then met his, again._

_They widened, especially when she hadn't moved away or slapped him._

_“you're_ not _real,” he whispered. “because the doc would_ never _let me do_ this _.”_

_Alphys smiled, and he leaned back, as if struck. His hand trembled, and she nodded gently._

_“What are you doing, sans?” she asked him gently. “Why are you here?”_

_“you_ left _me!” he answered, reaching up and grabbing hold of her face._

_She flinched, her smile vanishing, but she didn't pull away._

_She knew he needed this._

_And she wanted to give this to him._

_“you left me all alone, in this dark, in the shadows, without even your_ love _!” he cried, his fingers digging in._

_She felt pressure, but no pain, and again, it comforted her._

_“sans,” she whispered. “I need you to be strong. I need you to take care of them. They_ need _you, now, as much as_ I _needed you.”_

 _“i can't!” he answered. “please, alphys, where_ are _you...? how...? how are you_ here _, if you're...?”_

_His eyes flicked to the jar, then back to hers, and he looked scared._

_He pulled his hands away, looking at them with confusion._

_“Listen,” she answered gently, keeping her hands on her knees. “sans, you deserved better. You deserved love, and happiness, and a family to hold you, and for you to hold.”_

_sans lowered his head, covering his face, and he again leaned forward – but kept his hands in place, instead of holding them up._

_“I could never give that to you,” she reminded him. “Even when I tried, sans. And... I_ did _. I_ really _did.”_

_Then, she said what she thought she'd regret saying, but ended up being the right thing to say._

_“_ You _are in love with a ghost, too, sans.”_

_sans sat up at that, lunging for her – and hugging onto her, tight._

_He choked out a sound, a cross between a sob and a laugh, and he spluttered out, “you crafty bitch queen.”_

_Alphys smiled and hugged him back, closing her eyes. “Yes,” she agreed._

_For a moment, they held each other, Alphys rubbing his back, slowly._

_She hoped this was real, at least for him._

_“you're right, you bitch,” he said softly, his voice muffled by her shoulder. “i'm a fucking hypocrite, and deserved that.”_

_“Yep,” Alphys agreed, and he laughed again, in the same way._

_Then, he held her tighter._

_“don't go,” he begged. “don't leave me.”_

_“I wasn't lying when I said I’d be in your soul, always, sans,” she reminded him. “The fact that I’m here, right now, proves it. You're not clever enough to say what you really_ need _to hear.”_

 _He laughed again, his fingers digging into her back, then sobbed. “alphys, please._ please _, don't leave me...!”_

 _“I'm_ not _,” she stressed, taking hold of his upper-arms and shaking him a little, smiling. “I’m_ here _, right now, you bastard! Do you really think this'll be the_ only _time?”_

_He stared at her, his lights suddenly glinting brighter, the brightest she'd ever seen them be in this timeline._

_“you'll come back?” he asked._

_“I will,” she agreed._

_She wasn't sure if she could even control that, or if this would ever happen, again, but that's not what she meant._

_With this, she knew his soul was open, and would conjure up her likeness on its own. He probably wouldn't need her to actually come back, because he'd never be able to tell the difference._

_Soon, with that, he wouldn't need her, anymore._

_And that comforted her._

_He touched her cheeks again, and she let him, just for a moment._

_Then, she pulled them away, and held them for a moment, before she let them go._

_He reached for them again, but she pulled away, and stood up._

_Now, she saw, she was wearing her Queen robes, and she smiled; she reached up and found that her crown was also upon her head._

_She'd kind of missed it._

_Then, she pushed him back down lightly when he tried to get to his feet._

_“No,” she said. “You need to be_ here _. You need to put_ that _on, sans.”_

_She pointed to her crown, the one upon her throne._

_sans stared at it, looking haunted._

_“I know it's a heavy burden,” she admitted. “But, sans...”_

_Her mind went to a line of song, and she swallowed hard, before she said it._

_“Imagine it as my arms around your neck, my fingers laced as that crown. Then you'll know I'm always there, beside you, within you, forever."_

_sans looked up at her, and she smiled, her eyes full of tears._

_“I’m_ so sorry _, sans,” she confessed, dropping back down to her knees. “I_ never _meant to break your heart. I always thought I was_ too _heavy, in your arms...”_

_And this time, when sans tried to hug her—_

_\--he fell through her, and landed upon the flowers._

_Alphys stood up, again, looking at her hands._

_They were transparent – and on her left hand, she wore her_ true _crown, the one that made her feel truly royal, and she smiled._

_When sans looked back up at her, back on his knees, he whispered, “come back, doc. please...”_

_She nodded. “Always,” she repeated, just like she had, before she'd died before his eyes, and left him alone..._

_“Forever,” she added, unable to stop her tears, now._

_She_ would _miss him, despite the pain and sorrow._

 _But she knew he'd be happier,_ this _way._

_So, she turned, and walked away – and through the door that led to the barrier._

_She heard him call her back, but before she even considered going back..._

…she woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Name the songs :P. There are two. Chapter title is a hint for only one.
> 
> EDIT: Joyce won. She knew them all, even the most obscure ones. :D


	37. Projects and Projections

“Whoa! _Easy_ , Alphy... easy... It's me, can you hear me?”

Alphys stopped, unaware that she'd been struggling until she wasn't, anymore.

She found herself in Undyne's arms, sitting up, Undyne holding her with her arms wrapped in a way that kept Alphys's at her sides, but without inducing panic.

It worked.

She felt... _safe_.

She stared at those arms, then looked up, and stared at Undyne, who stared back with a worried, startled eye.

Alphys suddenly couldn't breathe, the surprise of seeing Undyne, again, so strong that she forgot _how..._

And she _fainted_.

“Shit!” Undyne cried, grabbing hold of her and pushing the call button with her elbow, before nudging Alphys a few times and calling for her, again.

It was barely morning, and Undyne had awoken to Alphys squeaking in her sleep. It didn't sound terrible, but at the same time, Undyne refused to take any chances.

And sure enough, Alphys fought her a little, until she woke up completely.

And now, _this_.

Except, even as a nurse rushed in, Alphys was already stirring awake – then blushing – when she realised what had just happened.

But it had.

And was just as real as Undyne was, holding her close while the nurse looked her over, kissing her nose and forehead whenever she could.

Alphys leaned back and smiled, relaxing at once and letting her eyes close, again.

She'd not only woken up, but she was certain that that was the last time she'd ever see _that place_ , again, at least not for a very long time, and _definitely_ _not_  with the same method as before.

Finally, _finally_ , her tattered heart's stitches tightened up, and it was mended whole, and able to start to _really_ heal, at last.

“Are you okay?” Undyne whispered to her, stroking her forehead.

“Yes,” Alphys agreed, smiling wider. “It wasn't _that_ _place_ , not exactly, that you woke me up from."

Undyne peered at her. “Explain?”

“It was an intense dream, but...” Alphys's smile went crooked, and she blushed. “…it was one I needed, I think...”

Undyne smiled, then nuzzled Alphys with her cheeks and just... hugged her, until she laughed – and heard Alphys join her.

And for both, it was the nicest thing in the world.

* * *

Alphys asked Tollona for a readout of the – she blushed when she said it – _alphyswaves_ from the prior night to when she woke up.

But when she looked at the chart, there were none. Her brain patterns, for the whole night, appeared to have been normal.

And suddenly, she wondered about that dream.

_Had it been for sans, really?_

_Or me?_

She dearly hoped, at the very least, it was both.

“I didn't go...?" she whispered aloud, her finger slowly tracing the little waves.

They changed, grew closer together at times, but there were no alphyswaves.

 _Wait_.

Her finger stopped, just at the line that ended with her waking up.

Just for a few seconds, she saw them: alphyswaves, so minute that they were easy to overlook, and lasting mere minutes of sleep-time.

She _did_ go.

It _was_ real, but not totally.

_What does this mean?_

“What happens now...?” she asked weakly, handing the paper back.

She leaned against Undyne, taking the cup of offered juice from the nurse with her, and sipped it.

She said nothing about the alphyswaves; she wanted to tell Undyne privately about _all_ of that later on.

“Well,” Tollona began, sitting down, as the nurse changed Alphys's meds. “This opens up an entire new branch of sleep and dream research.”

(Alphys almost stopped the nurse when she saw him set up another dose of morphine, but she was still sore, and when Undyne kissed her forehead, she kept quiet.)

“Okay,” Undyne broke in, genuinely interested. “How will it get worked on? Since we know what those waves are, now, how can we use them? What purpose do they serve?”

Alphys blinked up at her, beaming at her, and she grinned a little shyly.

Tollona smiled, too. “Well, we have monster coma patients here,” she admitted. “We can now scan them for alphyswaves.”

“Er,” Alphys jumped in hopefully. “C-can we change the name?”

“No, fuck you,” Undyne replied cheerfully. “You earned this, at the _very least_. Now you get to be immortal.”

Alphys had a rude reply, but was silenced by that last word.

 _Immortal_.

In a way, she already was: as one of the Seven, and as the pioneer of DT research.

But both of those had other names attached, as she was _one_ of Seven, and DT had been hypothesised by Gaster.

This would be wholly her own.

And in a way, she felt that she really _had_ earned it, considering the upheaval it caused in her life.

 _Maybe it's not_ so _bad..._

“What would scanning for them do?” she wondered between sips of juice, soothed by Undyne stroking her head softly.

“We could see if they are trapped, like you were, and see if we could wake them using the methods Captain Undyne used with you,” the doctor replied.

“ _What_ methods? _You_ gave her the meds that woke her, _duh_ ,” Undyne answered, rolling her eye.

“Undyne,” Tollona said firmly, her gaze locked on Undyne's. “You sat with her for _hours_ at a time, rarely left her alone, and talked to her for almost the entire time, even through the night.”

“I heard it,” Alphys blurted out. “I dreamt of the memories you reminded me of.”

Undyne blinked, surprised.

But then, “Well, you kept _reacting_. I... wanted to wake you up, Alphy. I would’ve done _anything_...”

Alphys looked up at her, then sat up and hugged her tight, careful to keep her drink steady. Undyne grabbed her and buried her face into her neck, and she uttered a tiny sob, her fingers digging into Alphys's back.

“What you did was _exactly_ what I needed, my love,” Alphys told her, and she nodded, clinging tighter.

“Exactly,” Tollona agreed. “And we figure, now that we know how to scan for them, we can scan all of the patients, and then ask family or friends to do the same for them, if they test positive for alphyswaves.”

Alphys pulled away from Undyne, but kept her close. “And... th-the ones without family or friends...?”

Tollona paused. “At the moment, I know all of our coma patients have at least a friend. In the future, I don't know. We'll go from there.”

Alphys felt her cheeks warm up, a question on her tongue, but she hesitated.

Undyne nudged her, noticing.

“Doctor,” Alphys stammered, her eyes on her cup, now. “I... I’d l-like to help. W-with the research. In any way I can, like talking to the people comple-completely alone; or even if it's just mundane tasks, even housekeeping. I don't c-care. Please...?"

Tollona stared at her, but she didn't notice.

Undyne did, and saw that she looked both relieved – and grateful.

“ _God,_ yes _,_ _could_ you?” she answered. “I know you're not a sleep expert, but as a patient as well as a doctor of biology, you'd know what would need to be said, and when, and how to recognise--,”

“So yes,” Undyne cut in, amused.

 _“Please,”_ Tollona agreed.

Alphys was crimson, but she nodded, feeling a flutter of excitement.

She wanted to help and be useful.

She wanted to _make_ something out of this horrific experience, and into something actually _good_...

It would turn out to be one of the most important decisions of her life.

But now, Undyne said, “Cool. Can we go home, now?”

Tollona smiled. “Well, Alphys, we need you to see a psychiatrist, today.”

Alphys did not smile.

She went pale, shame flooding through her and making her try to pull away from Undyne to hide – but Undyne simply pulled her back.

“You tried to commit suicide, Doctor,” Tollona said gently. “With full intent on dying. You can't just walk away from that.”

“It was caused by those dreams,” Alphys explained weakly.

“Doesn't matter,” Tollona answered, her smile gone, now, too. “It's _not_ optional, not if you want to leave today or tomorrow.”

Undyne then murmured, “Alphy... I think you should...”

And her fingertips slid over the inside of one of Alphys's wrists, tracing the faint lines of scars - scars Alphys had made, herself.

Alphys couldn't argue with that.

So, she wouldn't.

Because with that, she knew it was true.

She _did_ need to speak to someone.

From the very start, she'd needed help.

Now, she was finally getting it.

“Yes,” she agreed at last, making both her doctor and her wife relax.

“Thank you,” Tollona replied. “I'll arrange it so she sees you within the next two hours. Hopefully, you'll be able to go home, tonight, depending on what she says.”

“Please,” Alphys begged, knowing her voice sounded pathetic but unable to help it. “I want to go home.”

“Well, Doctor, that depends on you, today,” Tollona replied, getting to her feet, as the nurse was now done, and they needed to make the rest of their rounds.

“I'll come back when she's done talking to me about you, okay? And relax; she won't go into details unless you give her permission to."

That helped Alphys relax a bit.

"If you need anything, ask Pedro.” The doctor gestured to the nurse, who grinned and waved.

Then, they were alone, again.

“I'm scared,” Alphys confessed. “I'm scared they'll lock me up.”

“They fucking won't,” Undyne declared. “Because they'd have to lock me up with you.”

Alphys smiled, cuddling up closer to her. “I believe you.”

“Damn right.”

Alphys felt a great deal of her fear ease, slowly being replaced with what she assumed was calm.

She didn't know it, but it was actually bravery.


	38. Pain and Gain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for discussion of drug abuse and sexual abuse (non-graphic). Please be careful and keep this in mind while reading.

Alphys cried.

A lot.

And it was ugly-crying, the kind that warps the person's whole body with the power of its grief.

She gasped, hiccupped, spoke shrilly, and sobbed so hard her words were incoherent at times.

But she talked.

And she was listened to.

Undyne held her in silence, her eye wide and glassy with grief. Alphys had insisted she stayed, unless she didn't want to, but Undyne did, so stay she did.

Alphys told her that she had nothing to hide, that Undyne already knew everything about her, anyway.

Undyne had thought the very same thing.

But Alphys hadn't told her the details of _that place,_ her relationship with sans, and how she'd fared as a Queen, while dying as everyone watched. She hadn't had the time to, yet. 

Now, she did. So now, she explained. 

“I was _so_ _addicted_ ,” Alphys sobbed, hiding behind her hands. “For two weeks, I _let_ myself be addicted. I forgot to eat, to shower, to dress. I used a _goddamned_ _chamberpot_ by the end, I was so lazy. And even by then, I was barely passing anything to even _need_ it...”

Her words weren't as coherent as this, the entire speech punctuated by her usual stammering, but also by hiccups, coughs, or blowing her nose.

She was shaking so hard that Undyne shook, too, just by holding her.

Or at least, that was Undyne's excuse for why she, herself, trembled.

“When I felt drugged, I felt nothing but the fake euphoria it gave me – and it barely even registered. I eventually just used it to pass out all the time. When sans found me, I was hours from dying, and I didn't even _care_ …”

Undyne's eye went huge, then, her hold tightening on her wife. The very idea of Alphys's addiction was already so horrifying, but the fact that sans had just barely found her in time was even worse.

“Is that why you asked your doctor not to give you morphine, Alphys?” the psychiatrist, a monster woman named Antigone. “Despite the fact that you needed it, and deserved relief?”

 _“Yes!”_ Alphys cried. “And why I don't want any to take home! I hurt, my whole body hurts, especially my gut, but I’m _scared_. I'm _so scared_. _This_... this almost happened, before, once, but with alcohol...”

Undyne's ears twitched. She hadn't know that.

But then, Alphys said why, and Undyne understood.

“I was... s-sexually assaulted, in m-my teens,” Alphys whispered. “And... not long after, my mom was... k-killed. I… drank. A lot.”

There was a small silence.

Then, Antigone asked, “Why did you drink?”

“It hurt me, physically, drinking,” Alphys answered, surprising herself. “It burned when I drank, and hurt my stomach, and made me puke."

She sighed. "It wasn't for long, a few days, and I stopped when sans came by to help me with funeral arrangements, because helping him distracted me; I preferred focusing on _his_ problems instead of my own...”

She winced. sans apparently had a habit of finding her addicted...

“I needed to be sober for it. And after, I focused on school, instead.”

“This assault... Can you tell me about it?”

Alphys paled, biting down on the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood.

“You don't have to, Alphys. We can talk about something else. You are under no obligation to share that information with me, unless you know it will help you."

“N-no,” Alphys said. “I... n-n- _need_ to...”

Therefore, in tears and in a tiny voice, with Undyne holding her tight through it all, Alphys described her assault, and how badly it had damaged her, both physically and emotionally.

Undyne, through it all, was motionless and pale, her eye wide and tears streaking down her face.

To hear of her wife's assault, in such detail (and in such a dead, flat voice, one she'd never known Alphys even had), broke her heart – and enraged her.

But she said nothing; she knew she shouldn't. She just gathered Alphys closer – when she knew it was okay – and pressed her cheek against the top of her head, rocking her slowly.

“When I stopped drinking, and after my mom was scattered, I started to cut,” Alphys added, her eyes on her hands, which were fumbling with her wedding ring. “The inside of my ankles, first. Th-then my knees, then... my arms, and wrists.”

“Why?” Antigone asked. “Certainly, at least with alcohol, you could take your pain away. That only worsens it.”

“It did,” Alphys admitted. “By causing physical pain, I eased my emotional, because I was angry at...”

She hesitated, her eyes going wide, and she went rigid with shock.

“Me,” she realised. “I was angry at _myself_. I was punishing _myself_ , because I let someone else abuse my body, without fighting back. So I punished my cowardice, and it felt like it balanced things out.”

“Alphy...” Undyne whispered, unable to keep quiet at that. “Poor sweetie...”

“You didn't know why until just now, Alphys,” Antigone observed.

“No,” she agreed. “I didn't.”

“But, Alphys, don't you see how that doesn't help you at all?” Antigone asked, making a few notes on her phone as she spoke.

“No,” Alphys answered. “Because it felt _good_ , and I _deserved it._ I didn’t f-fight hard enough to keep him from... r-raping me."

Her voice broke, before she added, "I  _deserved_  that, what happened to me...”

 _“Alphys!”_ Undyne cried, dismayed. “ _No_! Alphys, _god, no!!”_

“Yes,” Alphys corrected, pain lancing her heart – and making her fingers itch for something sharp.

“I have to side with your wife, Alphys,” Antigone added, her voice a little sharp. “You did _not_ deserve _any_ of it, the event, and anything after.”

“I didn't fight hard enough!" she argued, her claws digging into her palms. “I _didn't_. I _let_ it happen. I—,”

 _“Alphys, shut the fuck up!”_ Undyne snapped, grabbing her hands and prying them apart. “You did _not! You did not!_ Who was it?! _I'll fucking kill them!!”_

“Doesn't matter,” Alphys muttered. “You've never met him. You never will. He probably has already forgotten...”

“Undyne,” Antigone broke in, just as Undyne was about to demand the name, anyway. “It's up to _Alphys_ if she wishes to name her rapist, not _you_. You _must_ respect the wishes of your wife.”

Undyne swallowed hard, her eye filling with tears. “But... but...” she stammered, the word “rapist” ripping her apart, inside. 

“I _tried_ to tell someone, anyway. My doctor, when I had to... g-get... looked at... because I th-thought... n-n-needed... sti-stitches..."

Alphys lowered her head, her hands going to her scalp, and she dug her claws in.

She remembered that.

There had been a lot of blood, and she'd needed a cane for several weeks after, barely able to even stay _sitting_ for long...

“And-and I told them... and... and they said it h-h-happened, and they'd fix m-me up, give me an after-kit, test me for STDs... b-but...”

“They did not go to the police?” Antigone asked, her voice sharper, now.

“No,” Alphys whispered. “So... neither did I…”

“Undyne,” Antigone then said, gesturing to Alphys's hands; her claws were starting to leave marks, and were about to break the skin.

Undyne grabbed them and held them tight, and Alphys sagged, silent, now, crying.

“Alphys,” Antigone said, her tone now gentle and almost soothing. “Listen to me _: it was never your fault,_ and even if you _didn't_ fight, _that doesn't mean you deserved it, either._ You were a _kid_ , scared and alone, and someone took advantage of that and  almost _destroyed_ you with it.”

Alphys keened out, then, her eyes shut tight, curling around her legs and hugging them to her, hiding her face in her knees. She started sobbing, so hard that she couldn't even _try_ to speak.

She wanted to believe it.

And the adult part of her honestly did.

But that broken, angry girl, the one bleeding and crying and wearing torn clothes, clothes she'd _loved_ , that she had to _burn_ , because it hurt too much to even _see_ them, when before she used any excuse to wear them...

“I want to _die_ ,” she suddenly cried. “I'm too _weak_. I can't. It hurts too much!  _I can't! I want to die!!"_

Undyne leaned down, wrapped her arms around the ball of her wife, and pulled her against her own body, chest to back.

Alphys's eyes opened, and she went cold, panicked and yearning to either disappear or just _die_ , but Undyne simply covered her hands with her own, rested her cheek against her upper back, and began to rock her, ever so slowly.

Under her breath, Undyne began to hum, her rocking slowing to match the pace of the song.

_Hunger._

Alphys closed her eyes, burying her face, again, her tears worsening.

But her tail reached out, and wrapped around Undyne's waist, tugging a little.

Through it all, Antigone was silent, but she was writing down a lot of notes.

“You _can_ , baby,” Undyne then whispered, after she'd finished the first chorus, and Alphys's trembling had eased. “Because you're here, right now, and accepting help.”

“She's right,” Antigone agreed. “Undyne, you know Alphys _very_ well, don't you?”

Undyne peered over Alphys's shoulder at her. “Better than I know myself,” she agreed. “And I keep learning more and more, every day, like a present, one only _she_ can give me...”

Her voice caught, and she lowered her head. "Her waking up beside me, every morning, reaching for me, her hands' touch the best alarm clock... All of her... is the best present I've ever received..."

Alphys suddenly reached up with one hand and moved it behind her, then placed it upon Undyne's cheek. Undyne grabbed it and pressed it closer, whimpering just a little.

_I almost lost this hand, this touch, this feeling..._

“Alphys,” Antigone said, after a moment. “Undyne loves you, very much.”

Alphys nodded, and Undyne smiled, squeezing her a little.

A year ago, that nod would've never happened.

“And you love her, just as much.”

“More,” Alphys sobbed out. “ _More_. More than _any_ measurement can make. More than _anything else_ ….”

“No, you can't best _me_ ,” Undyne replied softly. “ _No_ _one_ can best me, not even with love. I love you _most_.”

Alphys whacked her lightly with her tail, surprising her into spluttering and jumping a little.

Alphys then giggled, just a little, barely a sound at all.

But she did, and it was genuine and real.

And it felt _wonderful_.

Suddenly, Alphys's eyes snapped open, and she started shaking, again, their colour clear and focused.

Because Undyne's actions, her care and love, made her change her mind about something she always assumed was right, and true, and never expected otherwise.

And Undyne had _just_ proven her wrong.

 _Oh god,_ she realised. _I have to tell her._

_But not now, not like this, and not here._

_Home, at home, the second the door is closed..._

Antigone noticed. “You laughed,” she observed. “Even in such pain, you can make - and try to make - each other laugh.”

“Undyne is my entire universe,” Alphys answered tearfully.

“And you're mine,” Undyne replied right away.

Alphys smiled, then.

And to Undyne, it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen in her life.

She didn't know why, yet, but it was the most relaxed, confident smile she'd ever seen Alphys make.

When she did learn why, though, her broken heart would not only mend – but never break, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has ever touched you, and you didn't want it or like it, even if it didn't hurt, I want you to know:
> 
> -It wasn't your fault  
> -You didn't deserve it  
> -You did everything you could  
> -IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT
> 
> Tell someone, as soon as you can. And keep telling people until you get the help and justice you deserve.
> 
> You are not horrible, gross, disgusting, or stupid.
> 
> You are wonderful, beautiful, kind, and loved. 
> 
> You did not deserve what happened to you. 
> 
> It was not and never will be your fault. 
> 
> You are brave and strong.
> 
> Prove them wrong, and keep living.
> 
> And make them sorry they were ever born.


	39. Final Orders, Honourable Discharge

The rest of the session was easier, after that, especially with Alphys's shocking – and silent – conclusion.

Though she cried and sobbed, and at one point lost her temper (“ _No, I did deserve to die, that time, because they deserved to live life normally!_ ”), Antigone apparently concluded that Alphys would be safe to leave that very night – with Undyne.

“She stressed that,” Tollona explained, as Alphys and Undyne read the report together. “Alphys needs to have company as much as possible, Undyne. Yours.”

Undyne looked up, but Alphys sighed and kept her eyes lowered, a little embarrassed. 

 _It sounds like I need a damned babysitter,_ she thought bitterly. 

“Why?” Undyne asked.

Tollona looked uneasy. “Dr Antigone feels that Alphys is still a suicide risk, but if she takes her medicine daily, after a week, it should calm a little. Until then, she wants you and Alphys to remain close, and Alphys to never be alone, if possible.”

“Can I even _shit_?” Alphys muttered, unsure if she'd be heard.

“Yes, Alphys, you can shit,” Tollona answered flatly, making Alphys blush and hide behind the papers of her report. “She just meant in the house, and close by outside of it.”

“Cool,” Undyne said. “Easy.”

And it was; Undyne was happy to have an excuse to be close to Alphys, and it was an added bonus if it meant time off, too – something Toriel had already promised them, both.

“So...” Alphys then murmured, her eyes wide. “I... I _can_ go home?”

“I need to finish and file your paperwork, then print off your discharge papers, which should take an hour,” Tollona said. “When that's done, I'll come by with a nurse and throw you out.”

Undyne snorted out a laugh, and Alphys smiled.

“Thank you,” Alphys whispered. “I m-mean it.”

“And now we need to go back to one more thing, Alphys. Medicine.”

Alphys bit her lip, but nodded.

“Dr Antigone has written two prescriptions for you: a daily antidepressant, and an as-needed sedative.”

Tollona looked at her with a small smile. “You need to take at least the antidepressant for a month, and see the doctor every week, okay? And if you feel suicidal, take a sedative, wake Undyne, and come back here. It's not optional."

Alphys nodded again. She didn’t like it, but when Tollona named the antidepressant and the sedative, Alphys agreed to both; neither were addictive. 

“I've also written you two prescriptions: one for your damaged stomach, and one for pain. Both have refills for three months, and if you need more, see me anytime, even if you use it up before three months is over.”

“N-no,” Alphys protested. “No pain medicine.”

Undyne sighed, this time. “Alphy, _please_ , not again?”

“No,” Alphys answered.

Undyne looked up at Dr Tollona and narrowed her eye, flicking it down from the doctor's eyes to her prescription pad, before back up, again.

The doctor's eyes focused, and she blinked, once.

Then, she said, “Alright, Alphys. I'm sending you home with Pantaloc, then. Once a day, every morning, with water and at least an half-hour before breakfast. In a month, we'll do another scope and see how your stomach is doing, okay?”

Alphys nodded, feeling quiet calm fill her. “Okay,” she agreed.

“Alright. See you in a bit. Hang tight, maybe start to pack.”

They agreed, and she left.

Alphys laid back, closing her eyes, before sighing. Undyne leaned down, following her, and she blinked.

“Undyne,” Alphys murmured. “I need to tell you something. When we get home.”

Undyne blushed; she'd been expecting Alphys to bust her out on her duplicity with the medicine.

Instead, she was now confused.

“Why not now?” she asked, touching Alphys's cheek.

Alphys opened her eyes, then reached up and covered Undyne's hand with her own, smiling. “Trust me?”

“With my life,” Undyne agreed. “Okay. So. We have an hour to kill. I've an idea.”

When she grinned, Alphys worried a little, but it was pointless.

* * *

The moment the water hit her back, Alphys relaxed and shut her eyes, sighing deeper than she ever had, before. Her arms hung limp at her sides, and she leaned back against the wall, so the most of the water hit her right on.

_A shower._

Undyne had managed to get them to let her shower. They even unhooked her from her IV and closed the port sites

Seeing her hands naked, now, soothed her immensely, as if they'd been shackles and not mere ports for medicines.

Unfortunately, Undyne was not allowed to help her. It pissed her off, and she almost made a scene, but Alphys touched her hand wearily, and Undyne shut up and accepted.

It meant, for the first time since this happened, Alphys was truly alone.

For a moment, all she could think about was the water, and she smiled, the feel of it so wonderful that she wanted to sleep under it.

Soon, though the novelty wore off, and the days of lack of proper hygiene caught up with her.

She felt _disgusting_ , covered in the shame of her suicide attempt. She reeked of sweat, unwashed skin, dirty clothes, and rubbing alcohol. 

She _hated_ it.

She started scrubbing, relaxing even more when she realised Undyne had brought her soap from home.

(It was actually Papyrus, but when she learnt that, she thanked him so many times he hid behind Undyne, bashful but pleased.)

It smelt so familiar and comforting that she cried, but in a good way, a cleansing way - literally.

She spent longer than she'd wanted washing up, as it took a while to actually _feel_ clean, but it did eventually happen, and she rinsed off, turning the shower off and jumping out.

 _Even the towel is from home,_ she noticed happily. She sniffled, then dried off, wrapped it around herself, and examined the rest of the bag's contents.

Each thing made her tear up, not having seen them for – her – almost a _year_. The fact that they even still _smelt_ like home, and that home was a smell she _remembered_ , made her weep, especially.

Then she saw the clothes, and she stared at them.

 _I knew about these_ , she realised. _Undyne told me about them._

_Except... I wasn't awake. It was before I woke up._

_It was in a dream._

For a moment, she was scared, so confused that she wasn't sure what was real, anymore.

She felt dizzy, claustrophobic, and she propped herself up on the sink, gasping for breath and shutting her eyes.

_What is wrong with me?_

_I'm so confused..._

_Nothing is real, everything is real..._

_I'm scared, I’m so scared, what if I got back, what if I die too soon?!_

_Will I end up back there?!_

She didn't hear the door open behind her, nor when it closed.

So when arms went around her, she yelped and swung her fists and tail.

Undyne managed to dodge her fists, but got her knees whacked by her tail. She stumbled a little, then laughed.

“Good instincts!” she concluded, hugging onto Alphys, again, but this time from the front.

Undyne blinked. “Just underwear,” she observed.

Alphys nodded, her hands holding onto the front of Undyne's shirt.

“Clothes, maybe?” Undyne suggested, peering down at her.

Alphys shivered, closing her eyes for a moment, then nodded. “Help?” she added.

“Always, Alphy,” Undyne agreed, holding her close, even as she leaned over to grab the clothes. “Always.”

And Alphys kept close, letting Undyne's touch wash over her - the sweetest of waves, the softest of blankets - as Undyne dressed her.

The clothes felt glorious against her skin, so much more elegant than any of the robes she'd ever worn as Queen, and invoked such comfort from an unknown place that she almost fell into a doze.

 _Soothing_ , she concluded sleepily. _The best word for this. So... so soothing..._

“Ah,” Undyne murmured, kissing Alphys’s cheeks. “Your batteries are low.”

 _“Mmhm_ ,” Alphys answered, her arms wrapping around Undyne slim waist, her face buried into her chest.

With a chuckle, Undyne scooped her up, the bag already slung over her shoulder, and carried her back out to her hospital room.

She clung to Undyne as Tollona explained the discharge papers, showed the reminders for the various future check-ups, and gave the prescriptions from both herself and Antigone.

Unknown to Alphys, Tollona also silently showed Undyne on the prescription sheet where she'd added pain medicine, and Undyne smiled at her gratefully, nodding. Tollona smiled and squeezed her shoulder, nodding, too.

And in that moment, Tollona became not just their doctor, but their _friend_ , for _life_. 

Undyne then poured Alphys into a wheelchair, had her hold onto her bag and use it as a pillow, and wheeled her to the exit, grinning the entire time.

They met Papyrus at the front entrance, and he brought Alphys to - and then into - his car, while Undyne quickly went into the pharmacy, paid for Alphys's medicines, and paid for delivery.

Then, Undyne was in the car with Alphys, holding her close as she rested happily against her chest.

Finally, on their way home.


	40. Say It Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the second smut chapter. Enjoy.
> 
> Also, clearly I did not finish, yesterday. I have a family thing today, but plan to have it done by Sunday, the very latest.

_Home_.

Undyne hugged Papyrus through the driver's window, adding a kiss to his forehead and making him laugh softly, then pat her back.

Then, she grabbed her bag, Alphys's bag, then Alphys, herself, and carried them both to their apartment.

Their security guard barely even blinked when Undyne walked in, her arms full of her wife. The staff were all so used to seeing this from the two that it barely registered.

Undyne flashed them a happy grin, anyway.

(Later, she would have words with them, as she did notice, when she woke up, that their door was still damaged, but that didn't matter, now. It still worked, and still locked, at least.)

The moment they were inside their home, and the door closed, Alphys stirred awake, the sudden rush of familiarity waking her up as soon as it hit.

She opened her eyes, already tearing up, and looked around, taking in the sight of their home.

She loved their little apartment, crammed full of books and collectibles and weapons, the walls covered in posters and pictures, the smell of cooking and incense and books...

...and just _them_ , the two of them, their personal scents mixed _together_...

And she cried, unable to believe her good fortune.

Undyne dropped the bags and carried her over to their couch, sitting down with Alphys in her lap. Alphys turned around to hug onto her face-to-face, latching onto her with both her arms and her legs, before she buried her face into Undyne shoulder and sobbed.

Undyne held her close, leaning back so that they were at least a little bit lying down, and she gently rubbed her back, kissed her face, and murmured that it was okay, she was safe, and it was all over, now.

And then, Undyne felt something that brought tears of her own.

Alphys nodded, with each reassurance, even as she cried.

 _She's never done that, before,_ Undyne realised, her hands shaking, unaware that she was smiling faintly.

_She's never nodded, because she's never believed that it's okay._

_So why is she nodding,_ now _?_

She found out once Alphys managed to collect herself and calm down.

When she did, she used the sleeves of her shirt to clean her face as best as possible, then sat up, smoothing down her clothes and clearing her throat.

 _Her_ hands were shaking, too, Undyne saw. She placed her own on Alphys's knees, and Alphys smiled, her eyes warming up – and making Undyne's heart melt.

“Undyne, I need to tell you something,” Alphys admitted, her hands tangled in front of her. "It's really important, and it's something big."

Undyne bit her lip, feeling nervous, but she nodded. 

"I... came to realise something, wh-when you were listening... t-to me t-talk about... the most humiliating thing that's ev-ever h-happened to me..." 

Alphys hiccupped, and Undyne touched her hand for a moment, letting her know that she could take her time. 

"When your first instinct w-was to defend me, to pro-protect m-me, wh-when I always assumed I deserved... t-to be abandoned..." Alphys closed her eyes briefly. "But instead, you... you kept m-me closer..."

Undyne smiled, her eyes stinging a little with tears. 

"I always thought - expected and planned for it - that you'd no longer... w-want me... after kn-knowing that... That y-you'd think I was... gross..."

Undyne shook her head, biting her lip harder.

Of course she didn't abandon Alphys.

Of course she wanted to stay.

She still wanted Alphys, because she wanted to show her love, and use that love to wash away that hatred she'd begun with...

"And..." Alphys inhaled shakily. "It made me finally accept something..."

Undyne nodded, sitting up a little, and their eyes met.

Alphys swallowed hard, and for a moment, Undyne was afraid.

But she bit her lip and kept quiet – and was glad she did.

Alphys shut her eyes for a moment, then opened them, reaching forward and pressing her hands to Undyne's cheeks.

“I...” she stammered, her face reddening, already. She looked a little panicked, and she felt Undyne rub her knees in encouragement.

“Undyne, I... d... I-I... y-you...” Alphys inhaled shakily, her eyes locked on Undyne's.

Then, she said the very _last_ thing Undyne _ever_ expected her to say, above anything else in the entire _world..._

“I deserve you, Undyne,” she blurted out.

Undyne barked out a laugh, then sobbed. “Okay, that's _not_ what I was expecting...!” she cried.

She grabbed Alphys and held her, so tight that Alphys squeaked – and smiled, in tears, again, herself.

 _“Oh my god!”_ Undyne added, before grabbing Alphys's face and kissing her lips, sobbing with each breath, despite the face that her face was _ecstatic_ , the happiest that Alphys had _ever_ seen her look.

Alphys returned each kiss, her hands holding Undyne's, now, and for a moment, there was nothing else: just thrilled, sloppy and teary kisses.

“Say it again,” Undyne pleaded, her eye wide and darting between Alphys's, her smile bright and her cheeks scarlet.

“Undyne!” Alphys squeaked out shyly. “Do you have any idea how hard _that_ was?!”

“I don't care,” Undyne replied. “Again, _again_!”

Alphys squeaked again, then whispered, her voice clear and steady, “I... deserve you, Undyne.”

 _“Yes, you fucking do,”_ Undyne answered, grabbing hold of her and kissing her, again.

This time, Alphys suddenly changed it.

When she kissed back, she sat up and grabbed hold of Undyne's shoulders, her knees still at Undyne's hips.

The moment she was steady, she pressed herself against Undyne and slipped her tongue between her lips.

They both shivered, but Alphys made a soft yearning sound, overcome with desperation, now. She pulled Undyne up to her, pushing her tongue deeper so that it met Undyne's – and Undyne moaned softly, shifting against her. She wrapped her arms around Alphys's waist, and Alphys pushed closer, so that she could move down and grind her hips against Undyne's.

Undyne moaned again, her nails clutching at Alphys's back.

Two weeks.

It had been _two weeks._

Maybe not so long a time, but thanks to that coma, it had felt like _years_ , and Undyne was _starving_.

But for Alphys, it was different.

For her, she'd spent _nine months alone,_ widowed but not widowed, and she never took a lover, _ever_ – even when given the chance.

She _couldn't_ ; her heart belonged to Undyne, and for her, that meant her body, too.

Those long months had been spent in a haze of pain and dying, of politics and faking happiness, of breaking sans's heart while her body cried out for any comfort, just _anything..._

...but her heart sobbed only for _Undyne_...

“Undyne,” she gasped out. “Undyne, please... _please_ , make love with me...?"

“Yes,” Undyne begged in reply, her brain long-gone and happily so, especially when she felt Alphys slip her hands under her shirt, and brush her fingers over her gills. “Please, Alphy... _Yes_..."

Alphys nodded, tugging at Undyne's shirt, before she tugged on her own, her hands fumbling in her urgency. Undyne was the same, her whole body shaking with need...

Before they both looked at each other – and kissed.

Undyne grabbed hold of Alphys and got to her feet, pulling Alphys’s legs tighter around her waist, as she stumbled to their bedroom, trying to keep kissing her at the same time.

When they tumbled onto their bed, muscle memory kicked in, and they both managed to figure out how to remove their clothing while still somehow touching each other, in some way.

The moment they were both naked, Undyne grabbed Alphys and rolled herself onto her back, propping herself up a little against the wall at the head of their bed. Alphys even helped, pushing pillows behind Undyne and moving herself around until they both got comfortable.

Alphys moved close, on her knees, and kissed Undyne, again, her hands holding her face. Undyne's arms went around Alphys's neck, and she moved one leg, as Alphys moved one of her own, her hands going to Undyne's hips.

They shifted, Alphys taking a moment to reach between them, before their flesh touched close, and they clung to each other, the sensation almost too much, _too good_ , like rich, thick chocolate...

Alphys trembled, her kisses clumsy in her effort to keep still, not realising that Undyne was doing the same, waiting for Alphys to start.

Alphys opened her eyes, at the same time as Undyne, and they met, their kiss breaking apart.

Alphys's filled with tears, unable to speak, one hand reaching up and curving around Undyne's cheek. Undyne leaned into it, smiling, before kissing the palm and closing her eye.

“Alphy,” she whispered, “' _C'mon, and work it for me_ '...”

Alphys laughed with surprise, then kissed her lips, pushing her hips down at the same time – and sharing a cry with her wife, who moved to meet it.

It was slow, but it was _glorious_.

Alphys wanted to savour every second, remember every sensation, and she knew, somehow, that Undyne did, too.

Which was true; Undyne was grinning, her arms around Alphys's neck, leaning back and moving just slightly to ensure they both felt the most pleasure, and always made a sound when Alphys moved to deepen it, succeeding every single time.

Alphys tilted her head back, arching up a little and pulling Undyne with her, one of her hands buried into Undyne's hair and holding the back of her head, so gently and tenderly, regardless of the intensity they shared.

Her other hand wandered, drifting to Undyne's gills, her hip, to the wall...

...and sometimes just at her own mouth, her fingers lingering over her lips, her eyes rolling up and closing...

Undyne watched her, entranced, as Alphys acted like their lovemaking was getting her _high_.

It was endearing, fascinating, and strangely sexy.

Undyne was right; that was it, _exactly_.

Alphys could already feel herself growing close, her body so starved that it was inevitable, and it felt better than anything she'd _ever_ felt before, _including_ drugs.

“Undyne,” she whispered, her voice thick. Her wandering hand was now settled on the headboard, to keep them both up as they moved. “Undyne... I… I'm...”

Undyne stared up at her, her own body shivering. She grinned, licking her lips, and she sat up a little, renewing her hold around Alphys’s neck. She nuzzled the curved dip at the hollow of Alphys's throat, then slid the tip of her tongue over it, purring softly against the reddening skin.

Alphys shuddered, her head tilting back further and her eyes squeezing shut, her claws digging into the headboard a little (and leaving behind tiny scratches).

Undyne suddenly grabbed that hand and pressed it to her hip before replacing her own, and Alphys grabbed hold, grinning without even feeling it.

All she could feel was Undyne, and nothing and no one else.

As she got closer and closer, it was like a warm tide, _so_ cliché, and yet the only way she could describe it.

Undyne often inspired nautical metaphors and similes, and sex was the worst case for it.

But this time was different, Alphys knew.

She could already feel how intense it would be, because it already _was_ , and she quickly clung onto Undyne, growling low, her head thrown back and her face wild with glee.

Undyne watched her, watched every second, her heart healing as _she_ watched _Alphys_ heal.

Alphys reeled, then, burying her face into the top of Undyne's head and jerking hard against her, crying out long and low, just her wife's name; nothing else was worthy enough of vocalising this unmatched, ultimate pleasure.

Undyne closed her eye, her cheek pressed against Alphys's chest, and she listened to her, holding her close and feeling her wife's whole body be overtaken by the bliss Undyne freely gave her.

It lasted longer than either had even experienced, and unsurprisingly, the moment it started to fade, Alphys slumped in Undyne's arms, panting hard and crying - but also  _beaming_ , her eyes bright and her smile wide.

Undyne held her close, moving to sit up again to do so, and she rubbed Alphys's back and neck slowly, kissing her chest every so often. She felt Alphys stroke her hair, slowly, her other hand twitching against her hip, before Alphys whispered Undyne's name and lowered her head, nuzzling Undyne's cheek with her own.

Both hands slipped to Undyne's face, then, and Undyne smiled at her, her heart racing.

Alphys looked _gorgeous_ , _unbearably_ beautiful _,_ in that moment, and Undyne would never, _ever_ forget it.

Alphys kissed her lips, and started to move again.

Undyne moaned, grabbing hold of her and deepening both their kiss _and_ their bodies' dance, and to her delight, Alphys matched both, groaning a little, herself.

Undyne was already so aroused, so _thrilled_ , that it took very little after that to bring her close, and when she whispered it to Alphys, she felt her wife soften, in both touch and body, and she slowed down.

Undyne's eye rolled up, leaning back and pushing her hips up hard, gasping; Alphys _always_ knew how to bring her closer, and bring her to the best kind of climax, better than any she ever could give herself.

She growled faintly, before she murmured, _“Yes,”_ once, then twice, before she kept repeating it in time with their bodies meeting, rubbing close, getting closer...

Undyne gritted her teeth, sitting back up and burying her face back into Alphys's chest, before she cried out, wordless but high-pitched and desperate.

Alphys pushed down, and the friction was _perfect_ , so _sweetly perfect_ , that Undyne laughed out Alphys's name as she came, tears coming to her eyes, but alongside more laughter.

Alphys moved to draw it out, and they both cried out from that, feeling gentle aftershocks for a moment, which each movement.

Then, Alphys stumbled and fell atop Undyne, bringing them both back down flat onto the bed, Undyne on her back and Alphys completely on top of her, still tangled intimately with each other – and happily so.

For a moment, neither moved, save gentle caresses and softer kisses. Both were crying by then, but also smiling.

“Undyne,” Alphys whispered, her voice drained and thick. “I love you, _so much_... I… I’m…” Her voice broke. _“I'm_ _sorry_...”

Undyne gathered her closer and shushed her, shaking her head. “You're already forgiven,” she reminded Alphys, her tone gentle and playful.

Alphys nuzzled her shoulder, then slid her face down to between her breasts, over her heart. Undyne closed her eye and bit her lip, smiling happily and holding her tighter.

“I love _you_ , Alphy,” she replied, then. “Every beat you're hearing now? Yours, Alphy. Always.”

Alphys sobbed, bursting into fresh tears, and Undyne comforted her through it all.

By the time she'd calmed, Alphys was drifting asleep, heavy in her arms, but feather-light in her heart.

"Say it again...?" Undyne then whispered.

Silence.

Then, "I deserve you, Undyne..." Alphys breathed out.

Undyne closed her eye and grinned, her heart soaring, so happy she was momentarily speechless.

“Keep me _here_ ,” Alphys then pleaded weakly, moments from being deep asleep.

Undyne nodded. “I will,” she agreed, even if Alphys was already asleep.

She was, so Undyne kept her close.

Undyne kept Alphys here, through the entire night.

Even in her own sleep.

As promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, you look so free, the way you use your body, baby... c'mon, and work it for me..."
> 
> God, that song is theirs. Fight me.


	41. Trust

When morning broke, it wasn't the sunlight that woke Undyne. It wasn't even the drug-delivery.

No, it was a sound more beautiful than any aria, sweeter than any J-Pop jam, more powerful than a heart-racing guitar solo...

 _Snoring_.

Alphys was _snoring_.

Undyne's eye snapped open, then fell on her wife, who was lying down in a ball, on her side with her back to Undyne, her hands tucked under her chin and her knees at her elbows, her tail circling them.

Clearly, she'd been cold overnight, but had been too sleepy to find a blanket.

Her head was angled slightly off of her pillow, and as a result, she was snoring, a soft, buzzing sound that brought tears to Undyne's eyes. (She'd taken her eyepatch off before they'd made love, after all.)

 _Adorable_ , she thought, sneaking closer and pressing her forehead against Alphys's back, her eye still closed.

_Adorable and silly and hurting and yet sweet, so sweet..._

_Alphy..._

Then, the buzzer rang, and Undyne leapt up quickly, grabbing her robe and tying it on, her eye darting nervously to Alphys.

But she slept on, and Undyne raced to the door before it could buzz again.

When she came back, holding a paper bag full of Alphys's medicine (and a free pill-tray, a weekly one with a slot for each day), and tossed it onto her pillow, before throwing her robe off, opening it, and setting it up.

Once she'd filled it with the daily meds, she set it on Alphys's nightstand and examined the other two, the optional meds. One was pink, and the other was orange. The sizes were different, so that helped.

She pushed them onto her nightstand, deciding to deal with them later, with Alphys – who was still deep asleep – and still snoring.

She did debate sneaking them into the pill-tray, so that Alphys might take them before she even knew, and wouldn't find out until too late, but...

It made her feel gross, like she was forcefully drugging her wife.

She refused to force Alphys to do _anything_ , _ever_ , no matter what.

She then laid back down and wrapped her arms around her wife-ball, wanting to warm her up, and it worked; Alphys soon moved backwards and into her arms, unrolling a little and grabbing hold of one of Undyne's arms, her tail lazily curving around one of Undyne's ankles.

Then, she relaxed, and was asleep, again. She no longer snored, but her breathing was even and deep.

 _Peaceful_.

Undyne stayed awake until Alphys woke up, her whole soul focused on the fact that Alphys was home, in their bed, and sleeping peacefully.

When Alphys woke up, though, it was with a jolt and a shocked gasp, and her hands went to her belly. She curled up again and winced, uttering a soft cry.

 _Of pain,_ Undyne realised.

“Alphy?” she murmured, nuzzling her cheek with her own.

Alphys reached up and touched her other cheek, nodding, but Undyne felt that her cheek was hot, and she'd broken into a pained sweat, her face pale.

“Alphy, are you hurting?” she coaxed gently. She wanted Alphys to admit it, to be honest with her, so that she could help her.

Alphys hesitated, her skin patchy with heat. The pain in her stomach was sharp, like a sewing machine working on the lining of her gut, and it was agony.

Then, she nodded. There was no reason to lie to Undyne. There was no point. Undyne probably already knew.

Undyne kissed her cheek, proving her right. “Alphy, do you want something for it?”

“Mm,” she grunted. “Pantaloc… then ibuprofen... where...?” She then winced again. “Other meds... n-need to start, this morning... D-did we... get?”

Undyne bit back a sigh, but nodded. “Delivered. They came this morning. Nightstand.”

Alphys opened her eyes and raised her head, then reached out, her hand falling on the tray. She blinked, then smiled faintly, taking hold of it and murmuring, “Thank you, love.”

Undyne nodded. “I'll get some water.”

When she got back, Alphys was wrapped in a blanket and sitting up, the tray on the bed in front of her. Her glasses were on, and she stared at it, her face oddly neutral, despite her shaking from pain.

Undyne sat down beside her and gave her the water, and she poked open the day's slot and took out the two pills, before palming them, tilting her head back, and swallowed them with her water.

She shuddered, making a face; both were bitter and chalky. She hoped it was worth it.

She moved to lie down, again, to try and doze off until the Pantaloc worked, but Undyne stopped her. She looked up, and was surprised to find that Undyne looked... guilty.

“Alphy... Can you tell me, like they asked you to in the hospital? What your pain is at?”

Alphys sighed. “Seven,” she muttered, angry about it. Even sitting up took too much effort, and she resorted to leaning against Undyne, instead.

“And... and you think ibuprofen will _really_ be enough?” Undyne pressed, hugging her and pulling her closer.

“Dunno,” Alphys admitted, only a half-lie. She _wanted_ it to be, and knew it probably had to be.

  _Maybe I'll try naproxen...?_

Undyne closed her eye, then leaned over to her nightstand and grabbed the bag of pills. She handed it to Alphys, looking away with that same guilt.

Alphys opened it and took the first bottle out; the sedative, she noted calmly, before putting it back. She was about to mention how a sedative probably wouldn't work too well, when her fingers found a second bottle. She blinked and grabbed it, then looked at the label.

 _Morphine_.

Her hand held it so tight that the plastic cracked. Undyne flinched, looking away and biting her lip.

“Why,” Alphys muttered, her voice thick with pain – and fury, trembling from both, now.

“Because,” Undyne stammered, closing her eye and swallowing hard.

 _“Why?!”_ Alphys repeated, throwing the bottle onto the bed and turning to her, her eyes glassy with pain, but blazing with rage.

And at that, Undyne suddenly lost her temper. “Do you have any _fucking clue_ what it's like to watch the other half of yourself writhing in pain and crying from it? And worse, because they won't take what they _need_ to feel better?!”

“Undyne, _please_!” Alphys begged, her eyes filling with tears. She shoved the bottle at her, then I buried herself into her blanket. “Please... throw them away, return them... I can't... _I can't!”_

“And so, you won't,” Undyne answered. “Alphys, _I will_ _help you!_ I'll help you with it. I'll keep them hidden, okay, and when you need them, I’ll give them to you! I'll make sure you never take too much, okay? _Okay?!”_

She was sobbing by the end, shocking them both.

Alphys felt her anger die at once, and she shakily hugged her, closing her eyes. Undyne sobbed and clung to her, whimpering out her name as a long, painful plea.

“You... you'll... h-help me?”

Undyne jumped, then leaned back to look down at Alphys, whose eyes were on the discarded pill bottle.

“You'll hide them, count them? Give them to me only when absolutely needed? Won't... won't l-let...? Will h-help me to n-n-not...?

“Yes,” Undyne sobbed out. “Please, Alphy, _let me fucking help you! Please!”_

Alphys realised what Undyne was not saying when she said that, and heard it louder than her actual words.

_Let me help you, and keep you from doing this to yourself, alone, ever again...!_

“You trust me, yeah?” Undyne added, before Alphys could say anything.

She nodded, so Undyne added, “Trust me, still?”

“Okay,” Alphys agreed.

Inside, she felt fear and anxiety coil in her gut like a nest of snakes, the images of her past addiction torturing her.

But when she felt Undyne kiss her cheeks and gather her closer, Alphys felt those snakes shrink, then become too small to feel.

“ _Thank_ you, baby,” Undyne added. _“Thank you!”_

Alphys kissed her in reply, then whispered, “I'll try one, now, okay?”

Undyne nodded quickly, leaning to the side and grabbing the bottle, opening it and fishing out one tiny orange pill, stamped with a ‘2'.

Alphys took it, swallowed it with more water, and laid back down.

After a moment, Undyne joined her and held her close.

It took almost an hour to kick in, but when it did – alongside the Pantaloc – she felt her guts calm and her pain ease. She felt that delicious warmth, that undeniable pleasure, and when she flinched, Undyne suddenly wrapped around her closer, kissing her cheeks.

Reminding her that, indeed, she was _not_ alone.

And with that, alone, the only part of her that was, Alphys felt herself begin to calm down, completely, and she drifted back to sleep.

Undyne never let her go.

In every single way.

**END OF PART THREE**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, technically, you could end it here. If you stopped reading here, you'd be fine.
> 
> But there's more story. So if want more, keep reading.


	42. Period of Adjustment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. Don't say it. I know. *sigh*

**PART FOUR: THE BEGINNING**

It took time, but eventually, Alphys was on her way toward as full a recovery as possible.

She healed completely from her overdose in about three months, the combination of medication and diet changes helping her stomach heal quicker.

With Undyne's help, she was able to cope with the pain of healing with morphine. That also took time, as the pain didn't stop for months, even when she'd physically healed.

It was internal pain, difficult and harder to numb.

Alphys always grew frightened whenever they had to increase her dose, sometimes lying about how bad the pain actually was to try and prevent it.

But by then, both Undyne and her doctor – who was now Tollona, permanently – could see right through her, and gave her the proper amount.

Alphys worried, but it was unfounded. Undyne was meticulous with her help, precise and sure, and made sure Alphys had no way to find the medicine on her own (and luckily, too, because twice, she _did_ look for them, in the middle of a panic attack, and likely would've overdosed).

Her mind, however, would never fully heal; the pain there was chronic, and permanent.

After a month of taking her antidepressant, as well as going to therapy once a week, she began to feel... better. Calmer. More like herself, like a fog had lifted, and she could finally see colours, again.

They weren't _happy_ pills; they didn't make her hyper, or get her high. Rather, they helped her brain work better, and in turn made her _feel_ better.

Her depression became easier to carry, and soon, she only needed monthly therapy – especially after she was completely off morphine.

However, there were times that she _did_ need the sedatives, especially from the start.

* * *

 The first month was the hardest, because Alphys had to struggle to remember that she was home, that she was safe, and that this was real.

For her, it had been months since she'd felt any of that, and it took its toll several times.

She would often wake up, startled by a noise she didn't recognise, and realise that she had no idea where she was, when she was, or what she was.

She would panic. She often got out of bed and hid in the darkest corner of the unfamiliar room, curling up and whimpering with terror, feeling lost and without any hope. Other times, she would just wake up and start crying, loud sobs that shook her and made her feel dizzy and helpless.

No matter what, Undyne would wake up, and always find a way to her side. She learnt very quickly that Alphys needed her to hold her face, give her direct eye contact, and call her name, then explain to her where, when, what, and who she was.

And she'd remember. 

It was then that Alphys would need a sedative, and it was one she took gratefully, desperate for sleep, and for comfort.

Each time, it took less and less. Every time Undyne helped Alphys wake up from that terror, she found herself able to hold onto the truth for longer.

And soon, it stopped. When she woke up, all she needed to do was look at Undyne, and she'd be rooted, again.

She was even able to go back to work, again, something she'd missed more than she realised she even could.

She was home.

And she was safe.

And then, a year had passed, and Alphys forgot.

* * *

The day came: one year since Alphys had tried to kill herself.

Alphys woke up that morning with a jolt, a nightmare waking her up, but one that faded the moment her eyes opened, mercifully so.

She stared at the clock on her nightstand, then closed her eyes and covered her face, shivering with shame.

Suddenly, she was glad she'd asked Toriel for the day off, because there was no way she was leaving this bed.

She remained hidden under her blanket, crying as quietly as possible, until Undyne woke up a few hours later, her alarm startling them both.

When she'd shut it off, she dropped back down, shut her eye, and whispered, “Fuck.”

Alphys nodded, unable to turn around. Undyne looked over, seeing only a ball of blankets, and sighed, biting her lip.

 _I can't_ , she realised. _I'm too scared. I want her to be safe._

Undyne hesitated, though; Alphys _had_ insisted that, while she knew she'd be upset, she'd be fine if she stayed home by herself. She was doing so well, and hadn't hurt herself, once. (Neither counted the times Alphys would accidentally injure herself while panicking; she couldn't control those moments, so it wasn't the same thing.)

Undyne wanted to trust her, but at the same time, realised it wasn't about _trust_. It was about thinking it would be okay, planned it to be okay, but when faced with it, was certainly not okay – but now it was too late to say so.

The fact that she knew Alphys had not only been crying, but for at least an hour, made her realise that Alphys thought it was too late.

That decided it.

Undyne grabbed her phone and texted Toriel, slowly, as she kept one of her hands on Alphys's shoulder, rubbing it gently through the blankets.

Oblivious to the texting, Alphys focused on Undyne's hand, trying to absorb as much comfort from her as possible before she left, hoping it would be enough to last until she got home...

She heard Undyne's phone chime a few times, then stop.

Alphys then heard her set it aside, and she closed her eyes, biting down on the inside of her cheek to keep as quiet as possible.

Undyne slid close, curling around Alphys and holding her tight, burying her face into the back of her neck and closing her eye. Alphys sniffled, shifting back against her and holding onto one of her arms, grateful for this, too.

“Alphy,” Undyne then whispered, “What would you like for breakfast? Wanna eat in, or go out?”

Alphys jolted her eyes snapping open. Her heart raced hopefully, but she quickly tried to smother it. “Wh-what? A-are you getting some for yourself, before you l-leave--?”

“Alphy,” Undyne interrupted, her tone gentle and a little sarcastic. She was grinning, knowing Alphys so well by now, and loving that she did. “Don't be a nerd.”

Alphys giggled, surprising them both, before she sniffled again, trembling.

Undyne nudged her, and she crawled out of her nest – and into Undyne's arms.

Undyne held her as she cried, with both relief and sadness, and kissed her forehead.

She would do anything and everything to hear that giggle, again.

“So...?” she coaxed after a moment, her hands rubbing Alphys's cheeks gently, something that made Alphys purr a little.

“Mm...” she replied. “I... w-want... u-uhm...”

And she opened her eyes, smiling shyly, her tail wagging and her face reddening.

“Oh?” Undyne observed, raising an eyebrow with a devious smirk. “You wanna _eat out_ , then?”

Alphys laughed, so hard and so happily that it thrilled them both, and she tackled Undyne and kissed her, muffling their laughter, but never stopping it.

* * *

Undyne spoilt Alphys the entire day, and Alphys accepted every second of it, wanting it.

She wanted to be coddled, petted, reminded she was loved and showed she was wanted.

Undyne wanted to do all of that, and did – and then did it, again.

Alphys fell in love with her all over again, feeling so lucky and so loved, and she hoped Undyne knew how much Alphys cherished her.

And Undyne did. She knew. And she never took it for granted.

The day was perfect, and Alphys even managed to forget why it was supposed to be awful.

But when the sun set, her mood did, too, and with both, came darkness.


	43. Thank You...

Alphys couldn't sleep.

She was tired – Undyne had made rather certain she would be – and knew she needed to, but she couldn't.

Undyne had fallen asleep almost at once, barely catching her breath before she drifted off in Alphys's arms, smiling faintly.

Alphys held her close, relishing the feel of Undyne's smooth, strong body against her own, but her eyes stayed open and fixed above, at the ceiling.

She remembered that night with painful clarity, now, and it made her feel sick.

She bit her lip, her eyes squeezing shut, and she started to cry, gritting her teeth and biting down onto her hand to keep herself quiet.

She'd hoped the combination of sex and tears would make her pass out, but she couldn't stop crying, now; the floodgate was long gone. She looked down at Undyne, then carefully shifted, moving Undyne off of herself and onto her side of the bed, taking her time and making sure she didn't jolt or jar her.

Once settled, Undyne stirred a little, getting more comfortable in her sleep, before going still, her breathing deep with slumber.

Alphys then hesitated, remaining on her side and keeping her eyes on Undyne, trying to keep herself rooted in place by looking at her wife's beauty...

 _But_...

All at once, she felt herself plummet into a dark pit of despair, and she shied away from Undyne, sliding out of bed and wrapping herself in her blanket.

She got to her feet and crept out of the room, before closing the bedroom door.

She then ran to the bathroom and closed that door, too.

She stopped, sliding down to the floor, and huddled there for a moment, trembling. The dim, bluish light from the nightlight in the outlet made the bathroom look almost gigantic, the shadows large and looming like sentries around her.

She crawled over to the sink, pulled herself up, and opened the medicine cabinet, finding the sedatives and taking one quickly, before sitting back down on the floor and hiding under her blanket, shivering with cold as well as fear.

 _Please kick in,_ she kept thinking, rocking slowly as she waited, counting down the time mentally.

_Hurry, please, I’ll sleep here, I don't care, help me, help me..._

It didn't help her.

She waited an hour, then two.

When she was halfway through the third, she opened her eyes – and they landed immediately on her claw file, knowing where it was, even in the dark.

She hesitated, but then, her mind went blank.

She got up, shuffling like a sleepwalker, and grabbed the file. She then crawled into the tub, pulled the curtain closed, and curled up against the wall.

Then, she used it.

* * *

Undyne would never know what woke her up that night, but _something_ did. She just jolted awake, her eye snapping open, and it fell on Alphys's nightstand, on the clock, taking in the time but without remembering.

She didn't know it, but it was the exact moment she'd woken up to Alphys dying in their bathroom, officially a year ago to the second.

Undyne was only able to see that clock when Alphys wasn't in bed with her.

The second she concluded that, she was on her feet and out of bed, racing to the bathroom.

She didn't hesitate; she just opened the door and ran in, calling for Alphys, her eye almost blink with panic. Her hand scrambled for the light switch, and when she found it, it nearly blinded them both.

“Ouch!” Alphys cried, covering her eyes.

Undyne followed the sound of her voice and went right to the bathtub, shoving the curtain aside and jumping into the tub, not bothering to wait for her sight to adjust.

Alphys started, freezing in place, looking up at her guiltily, already trembling with shame and pain. She cowered a little, looking away, and she quickly hid her arm under the blanket, then the claw file, before simply throwing it completely over herself.

Undyne knelt down beside her, and hugged onto her tight.

Undyne was shaking so hard that it startled Alphys. She suddenly felt a wave of worry, and she used it to push aside her own shame, concern for Undyne more important.

Alphys poked her head out and looked up at Undyne, who, when seeing her face, grabbed her and pressed her forehead to Alphys's, uttering a soft sob.

Her eye was glassy with terror, her face pale and streaked with tears. She'd forgotten she was naked in that fear, so certain that she would find her wife dying again...

_Or worse..._

_Already... already..._

Undyne keened out and shut her eye, burying her face into Alphys's blanketed shoulder. Alphys sat up and crossed her legs without even pausing, and Undyne crawled into her lap and clung to her, sobbing in earnest, now.

Alphys held her close, pulling her under the blanket and bringing her back into her lap, so that they could cuddle as close as possible, wrapping them both up.

Undyne latched on the second she could, clutching Alphys to her like she was slipping out of her hands. She kept raising her head and kissing Alphys's cheek, or nose, or forehead, before hiding her face – only to raise it again for another kiss, sobbing between each gesture.

Then, Alphys heard it, between soft, drawn out sobs, “Thank you... _thank you._.. oh _god_ , Alphy... _thank you_...”

Alphys was stunned, but she kept Undyne close, trying to calm her down, though she was confused.

_I just cut myself._

_She knows it._

_She sees it._

_But she's_ thanking _me...?_

Confused or not, Alphys would still try to comfort her, anyway, feeling terrible and wishing she hadn't left their bedroom.

She wished she'd just woke Undyne up, and asked for help, instead.

After a long, confusing moment, Undyne managed to gasp out, “We need to patch you up, love.”

Alphys flinched, but nodded.

She pulled her blanket off, wrapping it around Undyne, instead, and got up, reaching out of the tub and grabbing what she needed.

Undyne watched her in sudden and complete silence, stunned. She stared at her wife as she almost casually cleaned the cuts she'd made on her own skin and bandaged them up, before throwing away the rubbish and putting the unused stuff away.

Then, Alphys sat down in front of her and curled up on herself, her tail wrapping around her knees tightly. She lowered her eyes, but she didn't hide her face, despite the fact that she was crying.

And then, she reached out with her left hand, her eyes closing.

Undyne lunged out and grabbed it between her own, startling Alphys into looking up.

This was good, because it was then that Undyne grabbed hold of her and pulled her back under the blanket with her, holding Alphys in her lap, this time, before wrapping them both up tight.

Alphys shivered, with cold as well as shame, but while she kept her face buried in Undyne's shoulder, she kept her arms around Undyne, too.

Undyne shut her eye, holding her tight and rocking her slowly, just like she had that first night...

She knew Alphys had no idea what she'd just done – and how important it was.

She also knew that Alphys felt terrible, unable to accept that Undyne wasn't angry, but relieved.

Especially when Alphys whispered, “Why are you thanking me, Undyne...?”

Undyne kissed her cheek, nuzzling it a little, right after. She hiccupped, still a little weepy, but whispered, “You _didn't_.”

Alphys clung to her tighter. “ _No_ ,” she agreed, dismayed. “Oh _no_ , Undyne, I’m… you thought I was...? N-no, it was guilt, b-but I wasn't going to... _Fuck_ , Undyne, I’m _sorry_ , I’m _sorry_ , _I’m_ \--!”

Undyne had heard enough. She grabbed Alphys's face and pulled it to her own, and silenced her with a kiss.

It was desperate, needy, and exactly what they _both_ craved.

Alphys returned it, wanting to comfort Undyne, wanting to be comforted by Undyne...

After, once they were both back in bed, they snuggled close, and neither needed to say a word: they both knew.

And with that, Alphys fell asleep, and slept through the rest of the night completely – with Undyne at her side.

Alphys still didn't understand why Undyne had thanked her, and Undyne knew it - and looked forward to telling her in the morning.


	44. Lending A Hand

When morning broke, Alphys awoke to the feeling of Undyne kissing her face lightly, her lips darting from feature to feature, lingering a few times – and occasionally leaving behind a tear.

Alphys reached up, her eyes still closed, and touched Undyne's cheeks, brushing her tears away gently, before kissing her forehead, her hands going into her hair.

Undyne curled close, snuggling between Alphys’s breasts, and kissed there, too.

Alphys stroked her hair slowly, in tears, now, herself, unable to speak.

The urge to run away was strong, but oddly, the need to comfort Undyne was stronger, and held her still.

Undyne then reached up, took hold of Alphys's left arm, and pulled it to her lips. She brushed them over the bandages slowly, before trailing up along the back of her hand – and settling her lips upon her wedding ring, her eye shut tight. She trembled with tears, nuzzling that hand and kissing it, too.

Alphys was rigid, her eyes wide. She felt her confusion from last night return, and she whispered, “Undyne...?”

Undyne sat up, then pushed herself back up, so that they were face-to-face, and she smiled, even through her tears.

“Hey, cutie,” she replied.

Alphys sniffled, biting back a sob, and shook her head, but Undyne reached up and held her head still, nodding.

“Alphy, you have no clue what you did last night, do you?”

Alphys nodded this time, unable to hold the sob back, anymore. “Why aren't you m-mad at me? I... I...”

She raised her arm, then let it drop.

Undyne nodded. “Alphy, listen to me: it sucks that you hurt yourself. I'm not saying otherwise. But if I’m proud of you, anyway.”

 _“It makes no sense!”_ Alphys blurted out, frustrated.

“First of all, you tried the medicine, right?”

Alphys nodded silently, and Undyne rubbed her cheeks.

“And it still didn't help, I know it didn't. Because you panicked. You felt guilty. You felt like you didn't deserve yesterday, right?”

Alphys nodded each time, unable to speak. Undyne's voice had wavered a few times, but was still strong, and still cheerful.

“You felt like shit, didn’t want to bug me, but needed to cope. Because you didn't want to kill yourself.”

It wasn't a question, but Alphys nodded, anyway, her eyes slowly opening.

She was starting to understand.

“And even when I caught you, and I got upset, _you_ comforted _me_. You focused on me, first. Even when you patched yourself up, you were calm, and _still_ focused on me,” Undyne continued.

Alphys looked up at her, and Undyne grinned the second their eyes met.

“You've _grown_ , Alphy,” she concluded happily. “You're getting better. And I see you _trying_ at getting better. I really do.”

Alphys jolted with shock; she knew Undyne didn't realise what she'd just said, because Alphys had never explained it to her, before.

So to hear it, unbidden, struck her deeply.

And she not only understood – but accepted that she really _had_ grown, _had_ gotten better...

…and Undyne knew how hard it had been, how much work it took to get there...

 _She sees me,_ Alphys realised, lunging for Undyne and making her laugh.

_No._

_She's always seen me._

_She's never stopped._

“Make love with me,” Alphys begged, before kissing Undyne's lips, her hands reaching for her desperately.

“Please,” Undyne agreed between kisses.

It was a good start – perhaps the best start – to begin the third barrier anniversary with, indeed.

* * *

It was a weekday, so Frisk did have to go to school alongside their family, that day.

But the moment the school was empty and Toriel had locked it, the day was theirs, and theirs, alone.

Seeing Frisk so happy, after three years of hard work, of desperation, of moments of dread and fear, was the best reward for all of them.

Alphys was able to forget that, this time last year, she was in a coma, thrown everyone's lives around, and forced practically everyone to spend that day in the hospital, and without any joy, at all.

This day, and night, made up for that.

Alphys made sure _she_ did, too.

Undyne noticed, and gently pulled her aside at the restaurant, one flooded with media and well-wishers and thus easy to hide in briefly. She hooked her arm through Alphys's and led her to a random and empty corner, and before Alphys could even ask why, Undyne told her.

“Alphy,” she said gently, nudging her so that she leaned on the wall, and so Undyne could stand as close as possible, so that Alphys knew it wasn't bad.

It worked; the moment Undyne pressed against her, Alphys stood on her tiptoes and hugged her, just for saying her name so sweetly.

Undyne closed her eye and smiled wider, hugging her tight, before finally adding, “Nobody's mad at you.”

Alphys stiffened, even her tail, but she stammered out, “I-I d-d-don't th-think... It-it's not that I… I’m n-not--,”

Undyne rolled her eye and kissed her lips briefly, silencing her – and making her eyes grow warm, and her cheeks, pink.

“O-okay,” Alphys admitted weakly, her eyes still on Undyne's. “I... yes... I do th-think every-everyone ha—is m-mad at me...”

“Nobody _hates_ you, either!” Undyne insisted, dismayed by this added sadness. “Alphy, my god, do you have any fucking clue how _happy_ Frisk is, right now?”

Alphys's eyes flicked over Undyne's shoulder, landing on their human friend, and saw that they were beaming up at Papyrus, who was explaining to them why he personally felt Frisk should rule the world, using his meal – chicken fingers and fries with marinara sauce – to illustrate the reasons.

“Yes,” Alphys agreed, warmed by the sight.

Undyne followed her gaze and again rolled her eye. “ _Alphys_ ,” she sighed. “How happy Frisk is to have _you_ _here_ , is what I meant, you _dork_.”

“N-n-no!” Alphys spluttered, pulling away and resting back down on her heels, hiding her face behind her hands.

At first, Undyne had hoped it was shyness mixed with glee at the fact that she indeed was making Frisk happy.

But instead of laughing, Alphys started to cry.

Undyne took hold of her arm, again, and gently tugged her into the washroom; Alphys stumbled blindly, hiding behind her hands and pretending that no one could see her because of it.

Undyne found three other women in the room and glared; two – both monsters – left, but the third – a human – tried to ignore her and fix her hair.

Undyne snarled, and the human blanched, grabbed her bag, and bolted.

Alphys giggled weakly at that, lowering her hands and going to the sink to wash her face. She loved it when Undyne protected her like that, no matter how weird or possibly troublesome the circumstances – or results.

Alphys kept scooping handfuls of water over her face and neck, her glasses on the counter, and Undyne gave her time, standing beside her and watching her, unable to mask the affection she wore.

Alphys didn't notice, yet; she didn't even look at herself in the mirror, unwilling to see how bad she actually looked, especially now that she was crying. She felt embarrassed, and didn't want to ruin the day - again.

“I-I'm sorry,” she whispered, leaning against the sink counter and lowering her head, shutting her eyes tight. “I'm being selfish.”

Undyne sighed, and it was then that Alphys looked up at her – and went scarlet, noticing her expression and looking away, quickly, in denial about whom it was for.

But despite her sigh, Undyne still smiled warmly at her, because she understood her more than anyone else in the world – especially now.

She slid over and wrapped her arms around her wife, and Alphys curled into them, burying her face in Undyne's chest and clinging to her, starting to cry, again.

“I’m sorry!” she cried. “I _don't want_ to be sad, but all I keep focusing on is how much I fucked up!”

“I know,” Undyne agreed.

She reached over, grabbed Alphys's glasses, and placed them into her bag – before gently pushing Alphys into one of the bathroom stalls.

Bemused and still crying, Alphys stared at her in silence, as she casually locked the door and hung up her bag, then Alphys's, on the back of it.

“Lemme...  _help_ ,” Undyne explained – before she pushed Alphys against the wall and kissed her.

Alphys was bewildered, unable to return it – until she felt Undyne's hand slip between them, then slide beneath Alphys's jeans.

Alphys shut her eyes and leaned back, breathing out the second Undyne touched her, and Undyne grinned, the sound like catnip to her.

When they did _eventually_ tumble out of the washroom, Alphys was crimson but thrilled, her eyes wide and her smile wider, and Undyne helped her walk, laughing every time Alphys stumbled dizzily and clung onto her – with more happy giggles.

 _Undyne always knows,_ Alphys realised, looking up at her affectionately, before they both sat back down at their table. _She always knows, and never lets me forget._

_Because she knows how easy it is for me to forget._

For the rest of the evening, Alphys was happy; she didn't crash again, only cried when happy, and focused solely on their human champion.

And it was _perfect_.

For Frisk – _and_ for Alphys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you know why the title has more than one meaning :P


	45. The True First

The following day was a Friday, which allowed Alphys to be distracted by her classes, students, and the weekend homework for both.

And when school ended, Undyne took her out for dinner, and she was able to remain distracted for quite some time.

But once home, guilt crashed into Alphys so quickly that she flinched.

_Tomorrow is our anniversary, our second one._

_But really, it's the_ first _, because I…_

_Because of what I..._

“Alphy.”

She looked up, and found Undyne kneeling in front of her, smiling at her. “Let's get ready for bed.”

Alphys nodded, realising that, if Undyne was still smiling, what she felt – guilt, anxiety, the like – mattered less to her.

Undyne took Alphys's hand, and smiled back.

* * *

When Alphys woke up the next morning, she felt that guilt all at once, without even registering why she was awake at all. Her eyes were full before she even opened them, but when she did, she stopped herself from running away - and also stopped her tears.

Because Undyne was beaming at her, crying quietly, herself, but in a way that made it clear that she was happy, and not sad.

There was only happy feelings in her eye: relief, comfort, joy, love...

_So much love..._

“Happy Anniversary, Alphy,” she whispered, before Alphys could even breathe.

When she did, she sobbed, and found herself in Undyne's arms – exactly where she wanted to be.

And exactly where Undyne wanted her to be.

In truth, she'd completely forgotten about their anniversary during Alphys's coma, only remembering it when Alphys woke up, and mentioned it. 

She didn't even realise, because she wasn't even sure Alphys would survive the night, and thus it _didn't matter..._

So for Undyne, too, this really _was_ their true first anniversary, not second. And for her, that was all she cared about.

“Alphy,” she whispered, nuzzling her wife's damp cheek with her own.

Alphys reached up and touched her cheeks, and when Undyne moved to slide beneath her, Alphys moved, made it easier – then pressed herself close.

As close as possible.

* * *

That was how most of the morning was spent, especially when they both realised just how early it actually was.

They talked.

A lot.

About things they already knew, about things they wanted to hear again, about things they needed to know...

They made love many times; slowly and fervently, half-asleep and almost too awake...

But suddenly, a rude reminder of life outside of their nest existed, and there were chimes from their phones.

Undyne's were well-wishes – and one curious email that was basically nonsense, but that Undyne focused particularly on – and replied similarly.

But Alphys hadn't expected _anyone_ to wish her well about _anything_ , let alone _this_ , and she started crying almost immediately.

Undyne leaned over and grinned, resting her cheek on Alphys's belly and beaming up at her, again, tossing her own phone aside.

Alphys handed Undyne her own phone and covered her face, and Undyne read the messages with a wider grin.

“Oooh,” Undyne observed happily. “I don't even know some of these names!”

“F-from the h-hospital,” Alphys coughed out. “Th-the sleep clinic...”

“Oh, yeah!” Undyne agreed, nodding.

On weekends, Alphys had been visiting the sleep clinic at the hospital, helping them examine the comatose monster patients there, and looking for alphyswaves.

“But I n-never told them,” she realised, confused. “Oh, no, wait.” She sighed. “My admissions paperwork. _Really_...?” That, at least, helped stop her tears.

Undyne snorted. “I swear, it wasn't _me_ ,” she said honestly, laughing a little when she saw some of the other messages. “Cute. People love you, Alphy.”

Alphys was quiet from that, her eyes opening. She frowned, but with deep thought. She wanted to deny it, to claim that they were only doing it out of obligation...

But she'd never told them. They'd saved the information for themselves, and used it as they wanted to.

And that was to wish her happiness, and years more.

“Shit,” she squeaked out, in tears, again. She felt Undyne sit up and hug her, and she clung tight.

After a moment, when she was calm, Alphys whispered, “Thank you.”

“Always. And people do love you, Alphy,” Undyne replied, kissing her cheeks. “I'm just too selfish to share.”

Alphys bit her lip, her mind suddenly flashing right to sans, but she pushed him away, knowing that the sans they both knew, now, was not _that_ sans.

And never _would_ be.

“Thank you,” Alphys whispered. “I don't want to share, either, please.”

“Fuck that,” Undyne agreed, pleasing Alphys and making her giggle and hug her close.

For a moment they kissed, just lightly and softly, and hugging each other close.

Then, Undyne pulled away, sat up tall and with her hands on her hips, and declared, “We're going to have brunch!”

“Okay!” Alphys agreed cheerfully, her tail upending her blanket and becoming a blur.

And when Undyne stood up, Alphys grinned – and raised her arms.

Undyne picked her up with a cackle and carried her to the bathroom, Alphys's giggles added to the mix.

* * *

While Alphys dressed (they'd showered together, but – _somehow_ – managed to take as much time as if they had not – _somehow_ ), Undyne quickly checked her phone, then opened _another_ strange email written in gibberish, one she not only understood but scowled at and replied to.

She waited, her eye blazing, and when she got the reply she wanted, she accepted it, told the sender to fuck themself, and returned to getting dressed, herself.

Alphys just walked out of the door, then, wearing a very pretty spring dress – before pausing, her eyes on the calendar near their bed, and remembering that it was fall.

She still sometimes had trouble with time...

“O-oh,” she stammered. “I'll g-go--,”

Undyne silenced her, grabbing her hand and holding her in place. “All you gotta do is put some matching tights on, and add a sweater, nerd,” she said gently, kissing her nose.

Alphys blushed, closing her eyes and leaning into it, before nodding a little. “O-okay,” she whispered, before blurting out, “I just want to look pretty, today... F-for _you_ , m-my wife...”

“Alphy, you could wear _nothing_ and look _gorgeous_ to me,” Undyne replied, worsening Alphys's blush – as well as making her a little dizzy.

Undyne laughed, held her up, and handed her some tights – and a sweater. Both matched perfectly.

Then, Alphys noticed Undyne. “Oh!” she cried, smiling shyly. “You… you're _beautiful_!”

Undyne had opted for a long skirt and a peasant top, and honestly felt a little over-dressed – until she saw Alphys in her dress.

Now, she was glad, as if they were both overdressed, it didn't matter.

Plus, Undyne _also_ wanted to look as pretty as possible, and also for _her_ wife.

Alphys certainly thought she did, if her expression said anything about it.

Undyne grabbed her hand, grinning. “Let's go!” she declared, and Alphys nodded, holding tight.

She would follow Undyne anywhere.


	46. Delightful Detour

The entire time was spent talking.

They sat down, ordered their food, and talked. Their food was given, they ate some of it, and talked even more.

Neither could help it.

It was important.

It was _needed_.

Alphys had to get her guilt out of her system.

And Undyne had to get her loneliness and pain out of her own.

Brunch almost did it, completely, and for both of them. They laughed a lot, cried a little, and most just held hands and stared at each other, either eye-to-eye or sneaking glances as the other ate.

It wasn't enough for Undyne.

She needed _more_.

She knew there _would_ be for Alphys, and – she checked her watch – in twenty minutes.

But as they got up to pay, Undyne suddenly realised she wasn't ready to end it, yet. As Alphys paid, she looked something up - and sent an email.

Then, she took Alphys's hand, led her outside, and said, “We're _not_ done.”

Alphys, always game for this kind of thing, smiled and held her wife's hand, tight. “Okay,” she agreed.

Undyne looked up the bus route, did not show Alphys, and when they found it right stop, we’re on their way.

Undyne was grinning the entire time, excited.

She knew it would be worth pissing everyone else off.

And she was right.

* * *

“Undyne,” Alphys protested, when she realised where in the mall they'd stopped at.

“ _Yes_ , Alphy?” Undyne replied, squeezing her hand and grinning.

“No,” Alphys answered, before turning around and taking both of Undyne's hands. “Undyne, no.”

Undyne was about to get mad, but Alphys's expression silenced her.

“You don't have to do this,” Alphys insisted, looking sad and worried. “You don't have to spoil me like this.”

Inwardly, Undyne snorted. _This is the very_ least _of how much you're gonna be spoilt, today_ , she replied silently.

She opened her mouth, but Alphys cut her off. “You don't have to make up for _anything_ , and you...” Her eyes wavered. “You don't have to buy my love, to keep it.”

Undyne smiled, but this time gently. She leaned down and rested her elbows on Alphys's shoulders, moving her head close and pressing her forehead to her wife’s, her eye closing affectionately.

“I know all of that, nerd,” Undyne reassured her, her voice warm. “That's not why we're here.”

“O-okay,” Alphys murmured shyly, her hands tangled in front of her. “Wh-why are we here...?”

“Trust me, and I’ll show you,” Undyne replied.

“I trust you,” Alphys said right away, her eyes glinting.

“Follow me, then.”

She did.

* * *

“I'm Undyne. I emailed you an hour ago?”

Alphys looked up at her sharply; an hour ago was just at the end of their brunch.

Undyne looked away, smiling shyly; she'd taken Alphys's paying for brunch as a distraction from her emailing this very store.

The clerk behind the desk lit up and nodded. “Yes!” she agreed, a human who went pink with delight; clearly either didn't recognise Undyne but liked monsters, did recognise Undyne and liked her, or simply didn't care who her customers were, if it meant a good sale.

She darted away for a moment, going into the back, and Undyne reached down and set Alphys's left hand on the glass counter, looking at her wedding ring.

They'd both got matching bands, bright and silvery stainless-steel rings, one with yellow and white gems, and the other with blue and white gems. Undyne wore the yellow, while Alphys wore the blue.

Alphys had always been happy with her ring, and wondered why Undyne was trying to take it off. She frowned, trying to pull her hand away, but Undyne was insistent.

“I don't want to,” Alphys admitted, her voice sharper than she'd intended. “Please let go...?”

It was the truth; she didn't want to _ever_ take it off, after being forced to have it gone from her finger without warning, for months and months...

But Undyne surprised her, and slipped her own ring off, first, before going back to Alphys's.

Alphys understood; Undyne wasn't going to allow anything to happen to either of their rings, and she clearly trusted the place enough to take her own off as well as Alphys's.

She held her hand back out, and Undyne took it and, with some help, managed to wiggle the ring off and set it down beside Undyne's, on a soft velvet swatch of cloth.

Alphys itched to steal it back, but that was when the clerk returned, with two little boxes. She set both down, then opened them, and they both peered in.

One was a band of the same metal, but with light green hearts decorating the entire band. The other was the same, but with dark green hearts.

Undyne looked unhappy. “They don't match,” she realised.

“I'm sorry,” the clerk agreed. “But for the sizes you requested, as well as the metal, and the green hearts, this is the best we have to offer.”

Alphys was quiet, her eyes fixed on one of the rings, her mouth pressed closed to keep herself silent. She held the edge of the counter tight, and slowly, her tail started to sway.

Undyne noticed, her eyebrow raising. “Hm,” she murmured, softly enough to not break Alphys's attention away from the ring she – clearly – wanted. “You're sure?”

“Yes,” the clerk agreed. “But if I can easily see that they would still complement your wedding rings nicely.”

She took the green ones out, and was about to match one to Alphys's, but Alphys raised her hand quickly and stopped her, shaking her head a little.

She pointed to the other ring, and the clerk grabbed it and held it stacked with Alphys's wedding ring.

And Alphys's eyes just… _melted_ , her whole face lighting up. She nodded, her hands held at her chest.

“Ah,” Undyne murmured, smiling brightly. “So it's a good thing, the differences.”

“Yes,” Alphys breathed out. “Look at how they complement each other differently.” She gestured to Undyne's ring, and the clerk stacked it with the other.

Undyne grinned; Alphys was right. The dark blue of Alphys's wedding band worked better with the light green, and the dark green worked better with Undyne's light yellow wedding band.

 _Contrast really works, and nicely,_ Alphys thought giddily, remembering something Mettaton mentioned, once.

“Yep,” Undyne then said. “Perfect. I'll pay whatever, so long as we can wear ‘em out.”

Alphys turned to Undyne, stammering and shaking and fidgeting with the amount of her pleasure and gratitude, her eyes wavering with tears.

Undyne grinned at her, leaned down, and took hold of Alphys's left hand – as the clerk rang her credit card through – and slipped both rings on her finger.

Alphys stared at them, crimson; it was a heavier feeling, one she'd need to get used to, and it would make a bigger dent in her finger, but...

_Green._

_Green hearts._

Alphys stared up at her, her mind swimming, wanting to ask but was simply too shy...

Undyne smiled mysteriously at her, then bounced a little and held out her own left hand.

Alphys grinned, grabbed her rings, and slipped them on – then leaned down and kissed them, nuzzling Undyne's hand and sniffling a little.

Undyne kissed her forehead and pulled her back up, and she finished up with the clerk, grabbed the bag with the boxes and receipts neither would need, and headed out.

“Let's go home,” Undyne decided, her arm around Alphys's shoulder tight.

Alphys’s was around Undyne's waist, her eyes on her left hand, and she nodded, still rather spellbound. “O-okay...”

She looked up. “Undyne... th-thank you...”

Undyne grinned at her. “Hold that thought,” she advised.

But no matter how often Alphys prodded her for answers, she didn't say a word.

It would be worth it.


	47. To Living, To Laughing, To Love

Despite her best efforts, Alphys burst into tears on the bus ride home.

They were only about two minutes sitting down when she leaned over, curled under Undyne's arm, and cried, clinging to her and trying to stifle her sobs.

Undyne helped, holding her close and glaring at anyone who looked for too long, pausing only when she got a text message.

_“Where”_

She sighed and typed clumsily, with one hand. “ _On ou r way. Stfu”_

_“This was your idea, you maniac.”_

_“eat me”_

The reply to that was – while earned – rather rude, all the same, and made Undyne roll her eye and stuff her phone back into her purse, deciding to ignore it until they got home.

Instead, she cuddled Alphys to her and told her that it was okay, to cheer up, because there was nothing wrong.

Alphys nodded, but then cried, “I'm so happy!”

Her voice was loud, and broke, but Undyne didn't flinch, nor did she look away.

Alphys blushed, as she'd been rather loud, but Undyne got her attention, and she forgot.

“That makes _me_ so happy, Alphy,” Undyne told her, nuzzling her cheek.

Alphys closed her eyes and purred faintly, then hugged onto her tight, kissing her cheek several times.

She kept attached to Undyne as they got off the bus, amusing Undyne to no end and making her the one kissing Alphys's cheeks.

Once again, the security guard on duty noticed Undyne carrying her wife, but upon seeing the method, added lightly, “Not in the elevator; there are cameras, please.”

Undyne shot him the finger before she and Alphys disappeared into their building's entryway, then did so the entire time they went up the elevator, making Alphys laugh so hard she almost threw up.

Once in the hallway, however, Alphys went bright red, then hopped up and kissed Undyne's lips, trying to climb up to wrap around her, her legs scrabbling a little.

Undyne laughed affectionately, scooping her up and making her wish come true, and she growled and kissed Undyne deeper, tugging on the back of her shirt and trying to drag her – however _that_ worked – to their apartment.

And Undyne lost her brain when that happened. There had always been a risk of it, and plans had been made to accommodate, should it actually happen, but still.

Undyne kissed back, hugging Alphys tight and staggering backward down the hall, trusting Alphys to lead her the right way with her tugs, something Alphys easily did.

The moment they reached their door, Undyne pushed Alphys up against their front door, and for a moment, they both forgot where there were - and just made out like teenagers.

However, they both heard Undyne's phone start to vibrate with a phone call, and the sound dragged them apart and back on the planet.

Alphys tried to drag Undyne back, whispering, “Let it go to voicemail.”

Undyne, however, went scarlet, her whole body rigid, before she pulled away reluctantly, set Alphys back onto her feet, and grabbed her phone.

She answered it. “I know, shut up!” she snapped, and she hung up before there was even a wisp of a reply.

Alphys was grinning up at her, her look one of plans she was making right there on the spot, and all of them involving their bed.

But Undyne quickly managed to get the blood back into her brain, and she said, breathlessly, “Alphy.”

Alphys beamed up at her, nodding.

“I love you,” Undyne confessed, reaching down and touching Alphys's cheek.

Alphys closed her eyes briefly, but her smile got wider. “I love you,” she replied softly.

“C'mon,” Undyne advised, taking hold of one of her hands, her other grabbing her keys. Alphys nodded, leaning on her, and Undyne locked the door, swallowed hard, and opened it, pushing Alphys gently in before her.

The door closed, the lights went on – and cheers were exclaimed, alongside bits of throw confetti and horns blaring loud enough to feel.

Alphys stumbled back into Undyne, her eyes wide and her hand on her chest, and Undyne caught her with a chuckle.

“Help,” Alphys squeaked out. “What is happening?”

“Happy Anniversary, Alphy - _again_ ,” Undyne replied, grinning down at her.

“Congratulations, Alphys!” Frisk blurted out, before blushing a little, realising they either spoke too soon – or too late.

“Undyne...” Alphys said slowly. “Wh... _why_...?”

Undyne closed her eye for a moment, then knelt down and slid her arms around Alphys's waist.

Alphys turned to look at her, swallowing hard and shaking a little, and Undyne's smile suddenly became sad.

“Because we love you, Alphy,” Undyne replied, kissing the tip of her nose.

Alphys started crying, then, hunching over and covering her face with her hands. Her tail slipped around Undyne's waist, to keep her with herself, and Undyne smiled – and understood.

This wasn't a surprise party for the two of them, especially since Undyne had helped plan it – and it had actually been her idea.

No, it was for _Alphys_ , for having survived another year, and finally got to see how much not just _Undyne_ loved her, but their _entire family._

It was a thank you party for Alphys, for fighting back – and staying alive.

And Alphys now knew it, and couldn't stop crying, even when she raised her head and tried to thank them, she instead wailed out, “Oh my god!” and covered her face again.

But they knew.

They understood.

And they each took turns making sure that she knew it.

Alphys knew, now.

She _finally_ knew.

And she accepted it.


	48. Peace

The night went by like the best of blurs.

Alphys let it overtake her, let it swirl around her, and she felt herself buoyed up in the force of it, and rendered weightless.

And she adored it.

She loved it.

She never wanted it to end.

And truly, they all knew that, and tried to make it last as long as possible – despite Undyne's unfortunate detour, which had lost them all an hour.

But Alphys didn't mind losing that hour, because the detour had been worth it.

She would sometimes just stop and look down at her hand, and tilt it a little so that the light caught it perfectly, and she smiled.

Undyne watched her, her heart pounding with both hope and secrecy. She really thought she was being obvious with her intentions, but now wondered if Alphys either knew, and didn't say anything to spare Undyne's feelings, or truly did know, but wasn't allowing herself to hope.

And Undyne knew Alphys better than anyone else; of _course_ it was the _second_ one.

So while Alphys looked a little disappointed when people started to leave, Undyne was secretly screaming at everyone to hurry up and go, so that she could spend the last hours of her anniversary with her wife.

Papyrus stopped Undyne on his way out, nodding to Mettaton, who was now carrying a passed-out sans, and pulled her aside.

She opened her mouth to ask, but Papyrus was already holding her left hand and examining it sharply, frowning.

“UNDYNE,” he said, his voice carefully flat. “I SAW THE DOCTOR'S NEW RING, AND WONDERED SOMETHING... AND NOW, SEEING YOURS, I DON'T THINK I HAVE TO WONDER, ANYM--,”

She covered his mouth with her hand and wrestled him into a headlock, hissing at him to shut up. He smirked at her, not at all intimidated by this, despite know if she wanted to, she could really hurt him.

But of course she did not.

Because of course he was right.

And Undyne didn't punish cleverness.

She growled, let him go, and blushed, before shoving him out the door behind Mettaton, snarling, “Talk later, shut the fuck up!”

He laughed, his only reply, and she scratched her cheek, growling again in embarrassment.

Alphys noticed, and she peered up at her curiously. “Talk about what?” she asked.

Undyne went redder, but looked away, mumbled nonsense, and darted over to Asgore, hugging him tight.

 _“Help me!”_ she hissed to him desperately. “I don't want her to think I’m hiding anything bad!”

Asgore nodded, and said, accidentally-on-purposefully too loud, “Undyne, I don't think Alphys really likes _that_ kind of pasta--,”

Alphys looked over, curious. “Pasta? Undyne?” Her face relaxed, and she smiled. “Were you going to order midnight pasta?!"

Undyne stared up at Asgore gratefully, before she blushed, looked guiltily over at Alphys, and nodded.

The guilt was real, but at least the reason wasn't.

“Midnight pasta” was what they'd called it when, on their first night married, they spent the whole evening in bed, forgetting about food until way too late, and then both of them scouring the Internet for late-night food.

They'd found one place that delivered past midnight, and not only had it been fast, it had been worth it: it was delicious.

Undyne had told the story to Asgore that same night, when Alphys fell asleep, and she'd been so happy that she had to email her dad, had to tell him how awesome it was to be married to Alphys...

And he'd stayed up with her, talked with her... and remembered.

Undyne beamed up at him, and he smiled knowingly, kissing her forehead before letting her go – and scooping up his human child from the floor with a soft chuckle.

Toriel kissed both Undyne and Alphys on the cheek. “Congratulations,” she murmured, smiling at them.

Then, they, too, were gone, and it was only the two of them.

Alphys turned to Undyne, still looking pleased. “Undyne, I'd _love_ midnight pasta, let's get it, please? Please?!”

Undyne laughed and hugged her tight. “Of course,” she agreed, picking her up. “Now, though, you are mine.”

Alphys clung to her with a giggle. “Always,” she agreed.

Then, she added something that made Undyne fall in love with her all over again, and all at once.

“Just like you're mine, r-right, Undyne...?”

Undyne nodded. “Yes,” she agreed quickly. “ _Fuck_ , yes.”

It was the perfect response – in more ways than one.

* * *

“Do it.”

Undyne glared. “No, shut up!”

Alphys wagged her tail. “Yes! Do it, do it, do it! Do--!”

Undyne held her hand up and Alphys went silent, just as the other line was picked up. Undyne then started their order.

Alphys sat up on her elbows, lying on her front and beside Undyne, and she grinned, still, her tail a blur. She bounced a little, and Undyne's eye flicked to her.

Undyne's expression changed, and she sighed, closed her eye, and said, “And I’d also like an order of _crazy bread_...!”

Her voice went up and strained on the last two words, her hand up and shaking, and Alphys burst into giggles, clapping happily.

Undyne went scarlet, then ordered the rest as if she hadn’t done what she'd done.

Alphys was crying by that time, her face buried into her pillow, and when she hung up, Undyne growled – then pounced.

She landed across Alphys's back, and Alphys squeaked and laughed. She squirmed a little to roll onto her back, and Undyne slipped around to lie down beside her, again, but still mostly draped across Alphys.

Alphys didn't mind; she was quite happy with the arrangement.

“That was hilarious,” she decided, giggling a little without control.

Undyne raised an eyebrow at her and grinned. “Yeah? Only ‘cuz _you_ didn't have to do it.”

Alphys nodded. “Exactly!” she agreed.

Undyne pounced again and bit down on the curve of Alphys's neck lightly, making Alphys squirm and squeak with delight.

“Undyne?” Alphys then said, her tone one that had Undyne moving away and sitting up a little, to look at Alphys better.

When Undyne nodded, Alphys added, their eyes meeting, “I love you. So much. I... why did you... the party thing...?”

Undyne relaxed and smiled, propping herself up on her elbow, hand to cheek.

“Two reasons,” she confessed. “One? I love you, and I wanted to see you laughing, again.”

Alphys blushed, but nodded, one hand going up to Undyne's cheek.

“Two?” Undyne added, before sighing a little. “I wanted to make it up to you. I wanted this party to be as big as two, to make up for the one we missed.”

Alphys bit her lip, her eyes closing for a moment, trying to get a hold of herself.

But then, she nodded, sniffling. “Th-thank you, Undyne,” she whispered.

Undyne leaned down and hugged her, curling beside her and kissing her cheeks. Alphys snuggled up close and closed her eyes.

For a moment, they were quiet, both just happy to enjoy each other's presence, the simple fact that they were both alive, and alive together.

Then, Undyne slid her hand down, and took hold of Alphys's left, pulling it up between them. Alphys opened her eyes and smiled, squeezing Undyne's hand, but Undyne looked sombre, serious.

She was. She was focused on this one thing, now. She refused to bury it any longer.

It was almost midnight.

_The only time is now._

“Alphy,” she whispered, her thumb running over the two rings slowly, lingering on the new one. “Do you... understand why I asked for these rings?”

Alphys felt herself flood with sudden anticipation, nervous anticipation, and she swallowed hard, shaking her head.

She had _ideas_ , sure, of _course_ she did, but she didn't want to say them aloud, especially since she was certain the _one_ she _wanted_ was the one the least likely...

Undyne stared at her, her face bright red. She leaned closer, pressed Alphys's hand over her own heart, and closed her eye.

“Alphy,” she whispered, her voice making Alphys shiver. “They're green hearts. Like what happens when someone with blue magic... merges her magic with someone with yellow magic... and creates s-something... n- _new_...”

Alphys's eyes filled with tears, just as she saw Undyne's do the same.

“Yes,” Alphys blurted out, just as Undyne opened her mouth to clarify what she was trying to say.

But she didn't need to, because Alphys knew.

Because it was what Alphys had been hoping for, most of all.

Undyne stared at her, trying again, but again, Alphys cried, “Yes! Please!”

“W-wait--,” Undyne stammered, her eye flicking between Alphys with slight panic.

“Yes, Undyne!” Alphys insisted, her other hand still on Undyne's face. “Yes, I want to have a baby with you!”

Undyne sobbed, in such a loud, sudden, and embarrassing way that she actually surprised herself into silence for a moment, unaware she was actually capable of making such a sound.

But then Alphys kissed her lips, repeating “Yes,” between each one, and the sobs came back – alongside overjoyed laughter.

* * *

Where one life ends, another begins.

Alphys realised that balance not long after that night, when she thought back to how cruel it had been for the Underground of her dreamt timeline.

They were deprived of a queen, almost as soon as they'd begun to depend on her, to take her for granted, one they'd been able to find permanence in their impermanent world, and then...

She'd died, almost right in front of their eyes, and with so much unfinished.

But here, now, life went on.

New life began.

It _did_ balance out.

And with that balance, Alphys finally found it.

 _Peace_.

**\--THE END--**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A week after I said I would end it, I finally end it. Phew. Sorry it took me so long. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this bizarre fic, all the way to the end. I really appreciate it.


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